Chemistry is overrated!!!

Don’t prioritise chemistry in a relationship above everything else.


Players can ooze charm. Abusers can ‘love bomb’ you with ‘chemistry.’

I hear this a lot from my single clients who come to me for dating coaching. I also hear these myths and the heavy priority placed on chemistry from many ‘contestants’ on a lot of reality, dating TV shows right now.

Yes chemistry is important but it’s not everything and chemistry can be built up slowly over time.

Prioritising chemistry above all else  is a recipe for a hot mess of a geyser of a short lived relationship which might explode in flames as fast as it started.

Think of the person you had the most chemistry with and where are they now?

Chemistry isn’t necessarily an essential building block for long term successful relationships or an accurate predictor of what the future holds.

Love addicts can mistake intensity for intimacy.

Intimacy is feeling safe enough to be vulnerable, let down your guard and fully self disclose about who you are and be accepted for that. 

Whereas intensity is about highs and lows, hots and colds, uncertainty and anxiety. This intensity is a euphoria similar to a high you can get from recreational drugs. You get an intense neurochemical shot of dopamine when you are in the ‘highs’ of this kind of  relationship and keep craving more of this when you are in the ‘lows.’

Intense chemistry or that first ‘limerance’ of a relationship isn’t meant to be an emotional coping mechanism to help you through life!

Love addicts often suffered childhood trauma and learnt that being vulnerable equals danger.  They can struggle to form healthy bonds and long term relationships often going from relationship to the next as soon as that first ‘limerance’ high of 3 to 24 months wears off.

“Love at first sight” is not a predictor of relationship success. Sure there’s always exceptions to this rule – but generally speaking long, slow and steady courtships guarantee relationship success.

The thing about chemistry is that it can attract you to the “wrong” person.

If you want a life partner but are only attracted to commitment-phobes start examining your attraction. Chemistry could be your unconscious keeping you safe from the hurt of a real relationship by only attracting you to shorter term relationships or charming player or emotionally unavailable or avoidant attachment types.

Chemistry changes depending on your mood or medication..

That’s the thing about chemistry! It’s a fickle thing! Bends and twists in the tides like a reed in a river.

Research shows when men are hungry or stressed they’re much more sexually attracted to bigger and more curvy women than when they were full because of the unconscious attraction and its associations with appetite and bigger women.

Studies show women are attracted to very different types of men when they’re on the pill than when they’re not.  So much for “chemistry.”

You might start a relationship with someone because of the high chemistry that tells you- THIS PERSON IS MY TYPE! (which is a problematic term in itself that I will leave for another blog post!)  Then after two years the chemistry is gone and the relationship fizzles out.
Your “type” could be an unhealthy unconscious pattern.

You might be attracted to a man who is similar to your father- emotionally unavailable like your Dad was.
 The huge amount of effort and work that you have to put in to get their attention can feel comforting and familiar. This must be love you say as you have to chase this emotionally unavailable new partner! He’s just so much more sexy than that emotionally available and keen man that wasn’t so cool and distant!  The chemistry might be huge but it’s an old unhealthy pattern you can get stuck in again and again and again.

Please don’t prioritise chemistry in a relationship above everything else.