Chemistry is overrated!!!

Don’t prioritise chemistry in a relationship above everything else.


Players can ooze charm. Abusers can ‘love bomb’ you with ‘chemistry.’

I hear this a lot from my single clients who come to me for dating coaching. I also hear these myths and the heavy priority placed on chemistry from many ‘contestants’ on a lot of reality, dating TV shows right now.

Yes chemistry is important but it’s not everything and chemistry can be built up slowly over time.

Prioritising chemistry above all else  is a recipe for a hot mess of a geyser of a short lived relationship which might explode in flames as fast as it started.

Think of the person you had the most chemistry with and where are they now?

Chemistry isn’t necessarily an essential building block for long term successful relationships or an accurate predictor of what the future holds.

Love addicts can mistake intensity for intimacy.

Intimacy is feeling safe enough to be vulnerable, let down your guard and fully self disclose about who you are and be accepted for that. 

Whereas intensity is about highs and lows, hots and colds, uncertainty and anxiety. This intensity is a euphoria similar to a high you can get from recreational drugs. You get an intense neurochemical shot of dopamine when you are in the ‘highs’ of this kind of  relationship and keep craving more of this when you are in the ‘lows.’

Intense chemistry or that first ‘limerance’ of a relationship isn’t meant to be an emotional coping mechanism to help you through life!

Love addicts often suffered childhood trauma and learnt that being vulnerable equals danger.  They can struggle to form healthy bonds and long term relationships often going from relationship to the next as soon as that first ‘limerance’ high of 3 to 24 months wears off.

“Love at first sight” is not a predictor of relationship success. Sure there’s always exceptions to this rule – but generally speaking long, slow and steady courtships guarantee relationship success.

The thing about chemistry is that it can attract you to the “wrong” person.

If you want a life partner but are only attracted to commitment-phobes start examining your attraction. Chemistry could be your unconscious keeping you safe from the hurt of a real relationship by only attracting you to shorter term relationships or charming player or emotionally unavailable or avoidant attachment types.

Chemistry changes depending on your mood or medication..

That’s the thing about chemistry! It’s a fickle thing! Bends and twists in the tides like a reed in a river.

Research shows when men are hungry or stressed they’re much more sexually attracted to bigger and more curvy women than when they were full because of the unconscious attraction and its associations with appetite and bigger women.

Studies show women are attracted to very different types of men when they’re on the pill than when they’re not.  So much for “chemistry.”

You might start a relationship with someone because of the high chemistry that tells you- THIS PERSON IS MY TYPE! (which is a problematic term in itself that I will leave for another blog post!)  Then after two years the chemistry is gone and the relationship fizzles out.
Your “type” could be an unhealthy unconscious pattern.

You might be attracted to a man who is similar to your father- emotionally unavailable like your Dad was.
 The huge amount of effort and work that you have to put in to get their attention can feel comforting and familiar. This must be love you say as you have to chase this emotionally unavailable new partner! He’s just so much more sexy than that emotionally available and keen man that wasn’t so cool and distant!  The chemistry might be huge but it’s an old unhealthy pattern you can get stuck in again and again and again.

Please don’t prioritise chemistry in a relationship above everything else. 

Expand your Orgasmic Capacity


How to orgasm easily and frequently whether for the first time with your partner or expand your pleasure capacity into full body, multiple orgasms that last for hours.


Love your body

If you’re worried about your tummy rolls how can you abandon yourself to ecstasy? If you don’t feel pleasure about your body you’re holding yourself back from the pleasure your body can feel.

Negative body image is linked to low sex drive, avoidance of sex, less sexual satisfaction and orgasm.

Take the focus off the appearance of your body parts and marvel at the function that body part provides. Instead of thinking, “I hate my vulva, it’s so ugly.” Try, “I’m amazed and grateful at the pleasure this organ brings me. All the thousands of nerve endings just in this area!”

Focus on sending love and gratitude to the parts of your body you harshly judge. Imagine the judgments being released from your body.


Learn to calm your mind and that inner critic before sexual interactions.

Don’t bring the business of the day into your sexual practice.

What ‘switch off’ rituals can be part of your pre sex time? Does a bath with candles help you relax? How can you invigorate all your senses? What scents, sounds and textures can help you get out of your mind? What music and lighting makes you feel more sensual and relaxed?

Write down a pleasure intention 

What do you want to experience? Meditating on the unlimited potential of your body for sensual pleasure and love can help shift the focus from everyday stress back onto self love.

Regular solo cultivation

Masturbation and understanding your sexual anatomy is the most important step in learning how to have regular satisfying orgasms.

The strange cultural idea in heterosexual couples that it’s the man’s job to pleasure the woman, sets up an impossible scenario where a woman’s orgasm is dependent on finding a man who can ‘give her’ an orgasm.

No one can ‘give you’ an orgasm! You are the expert on your sexual body.

Master your PC Muscles

Learning to isolate your PC or “sex muscle” can help with meditative practices and breath orgasms. It can also help you to strengthen or relax your PC’s in order to have stronger orgasms.

Unleash your Sexual Imagination

Write down your sexual fantasies and don’t censor them. Try to share them if you’re partnered and integrate them into your sex life. 

This can open up a whole new world of pleasure! If you struggle to have fantasies book a confidential session with me so that I can tailor you specific homework exercises to rev up your sexual imagination.

Awaken your sexual energy

Start embracing the idea that your sexuality is inherently part of your wellness and health.

If you’re stressed, overworked and fatigued- how are you expected have energy for amazing sex?

The more sexual energy we possess, the easier it is to orgasm and the more sex we want to have.

How can you support and prioritise your erotic self? What makes you feel more erotic and what sensual supporting actions can you include more of in your life?

Slow Down

Many women feel they have to hurry to intercourse and be on their partners schedule or clock. Don’t feel you have to hurry to have an orgasm. This is where sexual communication is important. If you struggle to communicate your needs in your relationship or in the bedroom please don’t hesitate to book a confidential session with me via skype or in my Sydney rooms.

Ask for the time you need and the pace you’d like. Schedule a sex date in advance.
Reconnect with your partner
Lack of intimacy and conflict can cause sexual problems in relationships.

Book a session with me to discover simple and fun exercises to rekindle intimacy in your relationship. 

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Constantly attracted to Peter Pan Men

A client, let’s call her Anna, in her 40’s complained to me the other day,

“The only men that are out there are the Peter Pan guys. The ones that don’t want to grow up, get married, settle down, have kids.”

(This topic of the Peter Pan or prince of princess complex in men (and women) is a fascianting one to explore in another blog post but for now, back to Anna. )

Anna would spend all her time, relentlessly  trying to “UN-PETER PAN” her partners. How exhausting that must have been!!

Yes, there’s a lot of these “Peter Pan” types out there but Anna wasn’t noticing all the more mature and honest men out there because she was so busy being swept up in another relationship with a Peter Pan and falling in love with their potential rather than accepting who they really were today.

Anna  wanted to know what she could do because she was truly starting to despair. It was impacting her sleep, work- everything. My heart went out to Anna.

Anna was intuitive enough to know a few months into dating these men that something was wrong but would then spend her energy trying to ‘fix’ them. She thought if only she could get them to “see the light” they’d awaken and start treating her how she should be treated and mature and grow up.  Kind’ve like trying to stop the rain falling out of the sky or making a fish walk on land.

Anna was investing all her energy into the wrong people, the ones that were happy being Peter Pans. They don’t need to get married or have kids, they’re happy as they are. Sure they’re possibly emotionally immature but that’s their choice.  Anna would wind up wasting some much time and energy trying to change them. Why should they change? They love living a party lifestyle at the age of 45. They certainly weren’t interested in changing for anyone or in settling down. They’re ruled by their boy-psyche and it’s rather impossible to have a mature relationship with someone like this.
Sure, these men have problems but that’s not the point of this post. Anna was so preoccupied with their problems and how she could fix them she’d forgotten to look inwardly at her own problems and rescue herself.
You cannot have a relationship with someone who isn’t who you thought they were or have a relationship with someone based upon what you hope they will become. You can’t get blood out of a rock and you can’t force someone to become conscious. This a choice someone makes for themselves.
Anna was trying to change them to want the same things she wanted and kept ending up wasting years and years in futile relationships that went nowhere. She was putting her power into someone elses hands and that rested on the crumbling future possibility that maybe one day in the future, not based on any hard evidence, they might change-maybe.
Her issue was HOW she was selecting partners and why was she trying to force them to change or ignore who they were. She’s continually attracted to the unavailable ones and had been repeating this cycle over and over again.
Anna might see a red flag early on but ignore it. Then she might see a combination of red flags but ignore them. Her friends and family might be concerned about this person she’s dating and try to talk to her about it but she’d block them out because she’d be embarrassed.
Why did Anna keep dating people who she knew were cheaters and liars? Why did she think they’d be different with her even though she knew they’d cheated on their exes or refused to commit to any of their previous partners?
Love rules our mind and seems to control the logical and rational part of our mind. The same part of our mind that controls addiction also controls our feelings of love.
There are so many opportunities out there for this woman that she wasn’t noticing. She wasn’t noticing the men that were in touch with their mature masculine sides and were genuinely interested in a committed relationship.
                                                       INTERVENTION TIME.
We started with some gentle art therapy and meditation exercises to help Anna get  some perspective and look at her relationships with a birds eye view.

Then we started together to help her to open up and really start to look within herself openly and honestly.
During this self review process I got Anna to ask herself these questions; “What am I afraid of? How worthwhile do I think I am? Do I think I’m not worth more and have to settle for these people? “
Anna wasn’t in touch with her own ‘shadow’ and so kept being unconsciously attracted to the shadow in others. Getting in touch with her own dark side helped this pull. Anna also couldn’t see her own self worth.
Anna would go on dates saying, “I hope that they like me.”
Instead she should be saying, “I hope I like them..” And spend that date assessing that person to see if they’re right for her.
Anna thought she should put out everything there that she was looking for in a first person. Sadly there are so not so ethical people out there who will pretend to be that person she’s looking for just for their own short term gains and pleasure.

Instead I encouraged Anna to ask open questions on dates and really find out slowly what someone was like and not rush into anything in a blaze of emotions.

Part of our therapy was relationship education. We discussed healthy relationships versus unhealthy relationships. We talked about what she thought she deserved and worked on identifying her needs. Anna had grown up witnessing her parents violent relationships so wasn’t even sure what a healthy relationship was. Sadly our schools don’t give us much education about this either.

Now Anna has to be really honest with herself about what’s she is looking for and pay attention to red flags appearing in a relationship every single day. She doesn’t cut out her friends and isolate herself if ever they show concern about a partner.  As we worked together to help her see her strengths and build her self esteem she gained the courage to leave relationships if she felt she wasn’t being treated well whereas in the past she might stay there for years and years of abuse.

How to stand up for yourself in relationships

When your needs are being made unimportant in a relationship what do you do?

Have you been in a relationship with a controlling or pushy person who always put their needs in front of yours? Perhaps you didn’t know how to communicate to them how unhappy you were with them doing that? Perhaps you were bullied at home or at school growing up or were never taught the skills to stand up for yourself in a healthy and assertive way.

How you communicate this impacts how successful you will be at getting your point across.

Your needs are no more or less important than someone elses. I speak to a lot of clients who believe their partners needs are more important than their own but over time the unhappiness and resentment builds as their needs are never accounted for.

I love the similarities between friendships and relationships this video highlights.
There’s no rule that says you have to do what you don’t want to do.
It’s totally fine and acceptable to set a limit on what you want to do.

This is a wonderful and cute animated short video that was aimed for high school adolescents but I think it’s fitting for adults too because it explains things so simply. So many of us didn’t receive this education when we were at school so it’s important to learn it no matter what age we are at.  It was made by the The Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society.

I love the scales at the end that shows what you need and what I need in a relationship together are of equal importance.

Watch the video here!

How to deal with mismatched desire (in a relationship)

Are you in a relationship where one of you has much more sexual desire than the other?

I’m going to share a secret with you.

Sexual desire problems can be the most amazing thing that occurs in your relationship.

Now before you get angry at me and tell me how you’re tearing out your hair with sexual frustration or angry at being pressured to have sex, just bear with me.

I’ve been there before. I feel your pain.

Read the rest of my article about mismatched desire in my first blog for Adult Matchmaker here.
I also bust some of the biggest myths about sexual desire in relationships.

I’d love, love, LOVE if you logged into their website and wrote a comment/question or feedback on the article! It’s my first article for Adult Matchmaker so I’d love some feedback!

When are values relationship deal breakers?

Susan in Married at First Sight doesn’t know why she was matched with Sean. Susan likes to volunteer to save bears in Asia. Sean wears a belt buckle he won at the rodeo.

One key detail has been missing from the reality tv series about what tore them apart-Sean’s love of the rodeo-in particular calf roping. You can read more about the cruel practice in this article about the reality tv couple here.

“I don’t understand how someone could use animals for entertainment like that. I’m never going to accept that cowboy image.”

I have a lot of clients that spoke to me at length about this TV reality show during its airing and how the topics coming up were similar to things in their own life.

Despite my misgivings I could see how the program did bring up issues that were important to couples or dating singles -although I was concerned with how it was all handled.

I can see how the concept  fires up the imagination but the lack of ethics of the show and the strange references to “science” and decisions and actions of the “experts” were umm… certainly interesting and worrying to me as a relationship counsellor and clinical sex therapist.

Isn’t it interesting how things are edited to give a sanitised view of things in reality tv?

susan sean

Value Systems as Deal Breakers

Anyway let’s get right into the meat of the issue this article brings up. Susan has compassion for animals and fights to save them. Sean loves rodeos and “calf roping” and other areas where animals are used for entertainment. Hmm.

As Susan says, that was the deal breaker for her. Despite these reasons for her choosing to break up with him never being shown on the TV program, the clashing value systems were the reason she didn’t continue the relationship.

You can have many differing interests to your partner and that’s fine and healthy, however opposing value systems can be more challenging.  Value systems are the foundation to who we are, why we do what we do, our boundaries, how we react to things and who we choose to spend time with.

Value systems don’t have to be exactly the same in a couple but they do need to match up or at least slightly overlap somehow.

If someone is psuhing up against our values you can feel uncomfortable and pained.

Have you ever been with someone with completely opposing value systems? What happened?

Differing value systems are a big point of conflict for couples and good communication can see things through.

However if the value system is that jarringly different even the best communication skills can’t necessarily see it through.

I wrote about a couple where one of them was an animal rights activist vegan and the other was a hunter and a fisher for fun not food in a feature for Ciao earlier this year and their various struggles.

In sessions where I see couples that are struggling with very different value systems and all the strain that goes along with that they can feel stuck. To help them move forward I get them to fill out a common values assessment.

Values can include everything from wanting children or not, religious beliefs, how you see animals and how your diet relates to that, political beliefs, environmental beliefs, moral responsibilities, loyalty, commitment, education, family, caring about others, security, self direction, seeking pleasure, avoiding harm to others, personal success in life, understanding self and others, independence in thought and action, stability of self, belongingness in groups..

Value systems are important to look at and often couples can rush so quickly through the dating process and get so physically hooked on each other so early on they neglect to look at these things until much later.

If it’s not in the deal breaker arena couples can learn to live with differing values -I’ve had a couple where one was a hardcore atheist and the other was deeply spiritual. This caused conflict but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them and was more a matter of practically negotiating their different issues and respecting and accepting their differing views. On the days she went to her spiritual circle he went to hang out with his aetheist friends.

Exploring what their value systems meant to each of them and how that influenced their different behaviours and reactions shed a lot of light onto various everyday conflicts and resentments that were occuring.
I think a lot of reality tv can be appalling in its moral bankruptcy, more exploitative than a social experiment and manipulatively constructed but I’m glad this topic was brought to light.

What did you think?

What are your core values? If you’re single how important is it to be with someone who has the same core values as you?

If you’re in a relationship how similar are your core values and what problems do the differences cause? Please let me know in the comments below and don’t hesitate to book a session with me via skype or in person if you and your partner are stuck on issues relating to your vaules.

How to deepen the connection in your relationship

I have so many clients that tell me about how their partner doesn’t touch them much. They speak about how they always sit far from them, on their phone or playing games and it’s like they’re a remote island.


If you are in a relationship how much time do you spend in close physical contact?
Do you wish you had more touch or less touch?
I don’t necessarily mean just sexual contact but any touch whatsoever.
A lot of us are touch starved in our tech saturated world.
We all need touch! It’s how our brains are wired.

Studies of baby monkeys show that the desire to touch and be touched is stronger than the desire for food.

Research shows that human babies and children need touch and physical comfort and these needs don’t disappear when we grow up into adulthood.

We need touch to truly thrive; it is fundamental to our health, communication and bonding.

  In fact children and babies who don’t experience much touch growing up can be more violent, have weakened immune systems.
 and a host of other problems.

If you don’t spend much time hugging or touching there’s a chance that your hippocampus in your brain might be smaller- the smaller this organ is the harder it is for your brain to regulate your stress response.

So, hugging and touching your partner is good for you, your relationship and your brain!


Physical touch also helps reduce stress. 

I’m talking about everything from sex to giving a kissing, massage, holding hands, cuddling, hugging, stroking, tickling and lots more..

These examples are medicine for your body and your relationship. This kind of touch helps to preventatively maintain your health and healing ailments you may have according to the latest research.

Join my inner circle here if you’d like to learn how to deepen your connection with your lover through a daily touching ritual. You’ll notice the difference within a few days or a week.  Just fill out your name and email address in the pop up.