How to invigorate your relationship with role-playing..


Imagine you’re being interviewed for a job as a personal assistant in a big office. Now pretend your lover is the boss. They close the door. They walk very close to you as they walk back to their chair. You feel giddy. You suddenly want to do anything to please them; whatever it takes.

They need you to work back very long hours under their strict eye. You must relinquish control and do everything they say. His or her eyes trail down your body. You will have to do a lot more than just filing… You feel your heart rate increase and your face flush with excitement.


Sexy role play helps to liven up sex, heighten intimacy, increase confidence and drop our inhibitions.

Role-play goes straight to the biggest sexual organ in our body: our brain. Our mind needs to be both stimulated and silenced for great sex.

As a side note, this is why Viagra fails so many couples. Viagra only increases blood flow to the genitals, and sex is much more than engorged genitalia. A hubby demanding sex because he has an instant Viagra erection doesn’t solve any relationship problems. Viagra doesn’t stimulate our minds.


Getting in the mood for great sex starts with connection, seduction, anticipation, wanting, flirting, teasing, communication, atmosphere, fun, foreplay, imagination and intimacy.

Role-play fantasy scenarios invigorate our imagination and lead to very creative lovemaking where we can play out another aspect of ourselves. Clothes can stay on. It starts with just words…

Once clothes eventually come off you can be so aroused that your body image worries fade away. Roleplaying can lead to a greater build up of sexual tension and desire and help you break out of the formulaic ‘you do this, then I do this’ kind of sex. Boring and uninspired sex can stagnate a relationship.

Try this role-play with your partner. Who wants to play boss and who wants to play secretary? Notice who gravitates to each role and don’t be afraid to swap. What is it about this fantasy or one of your own that appeals to you? Does the idea of being in control and being the boss or being the dutiful, willing and eager junior turn you on?


You could set up a desk and dress in office clothes and re-enact it at home. Perhaps you could arrange to meet in a crowded cafe for the ‘interview’. You both have to stay in character the whole time. A public area means you can’t touch each other until you get home, thus increasing the sexual anticipation.

Don’t worry about whether your role-play is PC. It’s playtime for adults! As children we played pretend games and unfortunately we lose touch with that make believe world as we grow up. Don’t let that fertile land of imagination go!

Remember to stay consensual, be respectful and debrief afterwards. A couple that plays together stays together.

Long life loving. How a good sex life can add years to our life.

“No one has sex over 35! Everyone knows that!” An elderly gentleman told me recently. I blinked and looked to see if he was joking but he wasn’t! No one else in the room laughed, it was accepted point-blank. Sex was only for the young apparently!



Hang on! Sexual satisfaction is essential for physical and mental health of any adult age. Intimacy is a natural human need and strengthens relationships. Expressing our sexuality is a basic human right.

Let’s clear up this ageist myth. 75 per cent of adults aged 58 to 85 said that satisfactory sex is essential to maintaining a relationship in a recent study. Over half the men and women had been sexually active more than once a month.

STI’s and HIV is rising amongst the over 60s population every year. Safe sex health campaigns mistakenly only target young people. This is where public health fails our baby boomers. Staff at nursing homes often aren’t trained to deal with sexually active residents.


Our society has ingrained this myth of the asexual older person to such an extent that over half of actively sexual elderly people didn’t think it was “proper” for them to be sexually active in a Finnish study. Information on elderly sexuality in sex education in schools could destroy this taboo surrounding sex and old age.

If we care about the welfare of our ageing population then we must boldly put their sexual health on the table. Australia is facing complex challenges with an ageing population and I’ve read countless general health studies where sexual health consistently gets excluded. Some Australian studies of our sexually active population cut the age range for participants off at 50!

By omitting this important aspect of physical and emotional health, we’re saying the sexuality of ageing adults isn’t important! However a good sex life can add years to our life.

Sometimes couples can get embarrassed and sex can stop. This doesn’t have to be permanent. Don’t be scared to come see a sex therapist such as myself for help if you’re struggling. Professional help can reignite your sex life. Sex at 70 might not be the same as when you were 20, but this chapter of your life can usher in new and heightened explorations of your sensual side.


Many older people have more exciting sex lives than when they were younger. They have more time, less interruptions from kids or work, more privacy and self-confidence. Their partnership may have deepened or they might be relishing online dating.

Try accepting the normal changes that happen to your body as you age. Let go of expectations about sex and stop comparing yourself to your younger self. Communicate your fears with your partner. Be honest, open and playful. Expand your definition of sex as more than just intercourse. Sex can be whatever you want it to be. Touching, kissing, sensual massage, mutual masturbation. Remember not all intimacy has to lead to intercourse.

 Life can be sensual into your 80s.

Get in touch with here to find out how. I see clients in my clinic near Central train station in Sydney and via skype.

This blog first appeared as my April column in Ciao magazine.
Top photography by Jean Malek..