How to deal with mismatched desire (in a relationship)

Are you in a relationship where one of you has much more sexual desire than the other?

I’m going to share a secret with you.

Sexual desire problems can be the most amazing thing that occurs in your relationship.

Now before you get angry at me and tell me how you’re tearing out your hair with sexual frustration or angry at being pressured to have sex, just bear with me.

I’ve been there before. I feel your pain.

Read the rest of my article about mismatched desire in my first blog for Adult Matchmaker here.
I also bust some of the biggest myths about sexual desire in relationships.

I’d love, love, LOVE if you logged into their website and wrote a comment/question or feedback on the article! It’s my first article for Adult Matchmaker so I’d love some feedback!

Why he’s not in the mood

Did you catch my latest sex column in Sydney’s CIAO magazine?
You can check it out at this link or read it below

Society tells us that men are always ready for sex, perpetually randy and constantly thinking about it, while apparently women need to be emotionally in the mood for sex because their sexuality is not as ‘simple’ as a man’s. In reality however, low sexual drive in men is very common and male desire is just as complex as women’s.

These myths can cause problems in relationships, especially for the partner of a man with low sexual desire. Women can often take the rejection personally when grappling with mismatched libidos because of the societal beliefs that men want sex all the time.

In fact, the idea that men could suffer from low sexual desire has been so off the map that researchers have usually focused on ejaculation problems or erectile dysfunction when studying male sexuality. Meanwhile, sexual desire was ignored completely. Only recently is this under researched area finally getting a look in.

Simply put, Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is persistently deficient sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity that causes distress and interpersonal problems. In men, it is an under reported and stigmatised sexual dysfunction because it runs contrary to cultural myths about male sexuality.

One in five men has HSDD according to The American Psychiatric Association and other studies say between 13 and 30 percent of men report they have had a digressing lack of sexual desire lasting two months or longer in the past year. Just like female sexual desire, male respondents report social, relationship and psychological reasons for their lack of desire, such as depression, work, stress, tiredness and poor communication in their relationships. Drugs, alcohol and some medications can also hinder libido.

Sexual anxiety plays a huge part in waning desire too, with men being five times more likely to report low sexual desire if they had low confidence in their erections compared with men who didn’t worry about their erections at all.

So how do you solve a problem no one wants to talk about? Studies show pumping a man full of testosterone doesn’t translate into more desire when there are long-standing relationship issues. Men popping Viagra may get a whopping erection but it doesn’t improve sexual desire. These shortcomings in medical treatments highlight the importance of holistic therapy in overcoming HSDD.

Seeing a sex therapist or couples counsellor can help a man discover the reasons for his inhibited desire, explore relationship issues, learn the difference between intimacy and sex, and improve sexual communication skills. Sessions can be customised for individual clients and tackle exactly what is causing the low desire through treatments including sensation, fantasy and masturbation exercises.

Sessions also help expose and re-write irrational thoughts that block desire, such as fear of commitment and abandonment. Ultimately though, people sometimes just need a little help prioritising pleasure and intimacy over intercourse and orgasm.

Words: Cat O Dowd, Sex Therapist and Relationships Counsellor. For more info email or visit

More sexual myths. Men turning down sex with their partners.

I’m on a lifelong journey to tackle sexual myths, because there’s a lot of misinformation out there. Starting with this myth- Women have lower sexual desire than men.
This is not true! Several studies have found that the partner least desirous of sex can be equally the male or the female.
Research has shown that the differences between male and female desire discrepancy is evenly balanced.
In medieval times, women were believed to have the bigger sex drive than men. It was believed that women had animalistic sexual urges that were more out of control than men.
A recent survey found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partner, with a third admitting they had lost their sex drive.
Doctors talk about the rising numbers of men with low libido that they treat; citing stress, illness, money worries, diabetes and obesity as well as lowering levels of testostorone as causes. Large studies done in America show that every decade there’s a decrease in testosterone levels by as much as ten per cent.
If you would like to improve your sexual desire or are having problems with your partner because you have mismatched libidos I can help! Book a session today!