Does sex always die in a long term relationship?


There’s this commonly held myth that you will be all over each other at the beginning of a relationship but it’s normal for sexual desire to just end after a year or so.

This is codswallop! It only dries up if you haven’t worked on your own self development.

The answer to this problem about sex drying up is about becoming more emotionally mature and autonomous. Starting to work on a stronger sense of self can help bring back sex into a long term relationship. A strong sense of self means you aren’t dependent on having a positive reflected sense of self from your partner. This is an idea that sex therapist David Schnarch came up with and is an extension of Bowens Theory.

Tell me, do you want to have sex with someone who needs you to prop them up all the time and needs constant validation from you? I didn’t think so. Maybe at the beginning of the relationship that did it for you but it’s not going to last the distance.

Working on a stronger sense of self means that you will be:

-less reliant for your partners attention and not take differences in libido personally or to heart.

-less likely to force your partner to go along with your ideas or be forced to compromise on things you don’t want to just to keep the peace.

-less likely to always need validation and being ‘propped up’ constantly from your partner.

It’s usually not about sex at all. Sex is the battleground these conflicts are fought on but it’s about something much bigger.

I had someone scoff at me in my therapy room about the idea of self development. However it’s key to our sexuality and inextricably linked.

Working on issues surrounding our selfhood means we can resolve sexual problems in a relationship much better.

Art- Nathan-Dumlao


How to keep your long term relationship sizzling!



Have you ever wondered what the secrets are to long-term relationship sexual satisfaction?

I’ve saved you some time! 

I’ve spent years trawling through decades of research, analysing couples with satisfying sex lives all over the world, and found they all had certain characteristics in common! I know you’re at the edge of your seat now so I won’t keep you in suspense for too long!

Sexually happy couples consciously work together to keep the relationship emotionally intimate and connected, and the sex passionate, different and non-routine.


Here’s some of the things I found that they had in common.

Sexually satisfied couples:

  • Say “I love you” everyday and truly mean it.
  • Kiss each other passionately for no reason—not just to instigate sex.
  • Practice good sexual communication and implement it. They discover what turns their partner on and off erotically by discussing each others’ own unique sexual needs and wants — not just having sex the same way they have sex with every single partner because that’s just the way they like to do things.
  • Are more likely to set the atmosphere for sexual activity, such as by lighting candles and playing music.
  • Remain close friends.
  • Go on weekly dates together.
  • Make sex a top priority, not the last item of a long to-do list or something they never have time to do in their busy schedule.
  • Have showers or baths together, or massage each other.
  • Are physically affectionate in public.
  • Keep playing and having fun together — not just in the initial dating phase.
  • Cuddle each other, even during times where they’re not having sex as regularly as usual.
  • Surprise each other with  romantic gifts or titillating emails or texts.
  • Go on romantic holidays.
  • Are mindfully conscious about turning towards each other when one partner asks for any positive connection such as attention, affirmation or affection.
  • Have more sex, orgasms, oral sex and more sexual variety (such as discussing or reenacting sexual fantasies, experimenting with positions, clothes or toys) than unsatisfied couples.


On the other hand, sexually unsatisfied couples do the following things:

  • Spend a very small amount of time together during an average week.
  • Drift apart and lead parallel lives.
  • Talk mostly about their gigantic to-do lists.
  • Make everything else in their lives a priority above the relationship and the partner.
  • Become job-centred or child-centred over and above the relationship.
  • Only unintentionally turn towards their partner, and it’s an accident when they respond positively to a partners bid for affirmation.




One couple in a sexless relationship only spent about 35 minutes together in total conversation throughout all of their interactions throughout an entire week. That’s five minutes a day on average!  Most talks were about tasks, errands, bills and dull household things — so nothing intimate or exciting, and no dates! Is it any wonder they weren’t experiencing satisfaction or connection in sex, given such routine, monotonous and sparse interactions? No intimacy was being built and worked at.

If your partner spends 95 per cent of their leisure time doing things without you, or ignoring you for their computer games or their drug of choice, then your sex life will suffer. Being ignored doesn’t build emotional connection, nor does it fire up the loins. You’re more than just an option to someone — you should be their priority!

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I see relationship struggles as wonderful opportunities!  Relationship struggles can be a crucible of self-learning and self-reflection as we grow together and discover our lovers and our own needs.

Think of sex as more of an intimate and emotional act than just rubbing skin together. It’s true intimacy and sensuality  that creates sexual fireworks in a relationship! Consistently working at building this emotional connection with your partner lays the building blocks for an incredible sex life.

Get in touch today to transform your long term relationship from dull to exciting!