Stalking and tracking someone’s phone is not BDSM and far from a healthy relationship. It’s illegal and abusive.
This is about abuse, intimidation and control.
When manipulative and controlling jerk Christian has met Anastasia only three times he turns up outside her house but she never gave him her address. He also finds out where she works and turns up unannounced. He turns up unannounced at her mothers house hundreds of miles away when she goes there to visit. This is called stalking and is abuse.
Control freak Christian buys the company Anastasia works for so he can have complete control over her, has nonconsensual sex with her ignoring her “no.” Where is the healthy consent in this movie? Anastasia often goes along with sexual acts with Christian because she’s too shy to speak up or too scared to lose him and so goes along with his wishes.
There are kinky events that aren’t erotic play but more like emotional bargaining. Anastasia feels like she has to “put up with it” because she’s terrified of what he will do to her if she doesn’t.
He micromanages her life, cuts her off from her friends and family, dictates what she should eat and what exercise she should do.
He “love bombs” her with expensive gifts, deposits tens of thousands of dollars into her bank account but won’t tell her how he got her bank account details, disregards her requests for space, limits, safe words and boundaries, has double standards and rules for her but not for him, yells at her, pressures, badgers, gives the silent treatment and emotionally blackmails her and intimidates and threatens her to get his way, says her body is his and dictates what contraception she should use and makes her go to his gynaecologist to ensure she does with her body what he wants.
How people cannot see that Christian is an abusive bully is shocking. He maintains control over Anastasia through intimidation.
It’s not romantic that he’s extremely possessive of her when they’ve just met and not even a couple.
It’s not love when he tracks her mobile phone to stalk her and come and pick her up when she’s out with her friends. She doesn’t want him to come get her and he turns up and demands she go home. This is abuse.
There’s a big difference between wanting to explore power exchanges with your partner and wanting to use power to manipulate and control them.
After she accidentally forgot to call him once he said he wanted to hurt her.
The book also pathologises BDSM. Christian says he only likes it because of his terrible childhood and later in the books he “gets over” those desires with the help of a therapist. Umm. As a kink friendly therapist I was shocked to read about his being “cured” of his kinky desires. The DSM does not list BDSM as a pathology.
Just because the media glorifies and romanticises abusive relationships it’s important to remember the following…
Intimidation is not love. Possessiveness is a sign of control not romance. You have the right to walk away from a relationship and the right to say no to acts you aren’t comfortable with.
If this book, movie or message is triggering for you, bringing up past traumatic memories of an abusive relationship or you’re concerned about a current relationship then please get in touch via my website. All Skype and in person sessions are confidential.
Cat O Dowd