Tag: healthy relationships

Why compatibility is a myth

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in relationships, Uncategorized

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I’m sick of reading about compatibility being the supposed ‘glue’ of a relationship all the time.  I hate this strange definition of compatibility and I’d like to redefine it with you now and show why it’s overrated.

There is such a thing as a compatible couple.

There’s no such thing as two people who share all the same tastes, values and interests.  All couples fight and argue about the same things- sex, time, money, kids, in-laws etc.  A good relationship hinges on how you manage and resolve these conflicts together.

Research shows there’s no difference in levels of compatibility in happy or unhappy couples.

Happy couples never even mention compatibility. Only unhappy couples bring compatibility up all the time and stress how important it is to a relationship.

Compatibility is like an easy scapegoat for unhappy couples to blame when a relationship is floundering or doesn’t work out.

Successful relationships aren’t about compatibility.

Successful long term relationships  are more about will power and partners who truly want to stay together in the relationship. You must want to be in a relationship in general and you must want to be with your partner.

Creating a fulfilling relationship is more to do with you and your partner than this contemporary concept of compatibility.

Lasting relationships are more about how you interact with each other than who you are.

Compatibility is something that you create together. It’s not something you have inside of yourself. You maintain and nurture that compatibility over time. You work at compatibility.

I want us to throw out talking about relationship compatibility like it’s a noun. It’s not like a holy grail you find in the wilderness. Relationship compatibility should be discussed as a verb. You go on a pilgrimage together to find the holy grail. Verbs are doing words and a noun is an object.

Relationship skills can always be sharpened and improved upon.

How do you emotionally connect? How do you respond to your partners bids for connection? Do you turn towards your partner or turn away?

Some people think someone’s personality or interests are what makes up compatibility but these won’t necessarily pass the test of time.

Relationships are about building something together. How does your relationship support your vision for your life?

Stop focussing on this flawed notion of compatibility especially in the early days of dating. Doing this makes it easier for commitment phobes or people scared of intimacy to run straight for the exit door of the relationship as soon as things get challenging.

Top signs you are attracted to the emotionally unavailable

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized
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Do you find yourself in a cycle of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners again and again? Do you wonder why you keep being attracted to the same type of person again and again? 

Sadly many adults struggle with intimate relationships because as children they survived heartbreaking neglect.

Perhaps for whatever reason-your parent/s or caregiver had their hands full with mental health issues/work/addictions or romances. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable caregiver might mean that you pursue relationships with emotionally unavailable partners in your adult life.
This can happen because as a young child you internalised the parental neglect and wrongly believed, “I must deserve this bad treatment.”
When this young child (you) grows up with these unconscious beliefs in place they choose partners who confirm that sense of not being worthy of good treatment. They pick partners who in the same way may be critical or distant or detached.
It feels ‘comfortable’ because it is the love you’re used to.

If you felt easily dismissed by your parent or had to fight hard to get any recognition from them growing up, then you can easily get ‘hooked’ again by partners that you have to pursue that play hard to get.

 

 

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“If only I could get that detached and distant person to love us then I must be worthy enough to love” is a common thought process.
If you have low self esteem then it would feel alien and strange to be with someone who genuinely wants you! You feel more comfortable being with someone when you are in the lower position which makes you more easily used and dismissed and thus repeating the abandonment cycle again.

 

Therapy can help you break those unconscious patterns of being attracted to the same type of partner again and again.

 

I hate it when I hear people say “trust your gut!” It’s important to be very suspicious of your gut if you’re profoundly attracted to someone. Those ‘gut feelings’ are what caused these patterns of attraction to the wrong people!

 

Your ‘gut’ might make you feel very attracted to those same types that are only pursuing you when you’re not available and as soon as they ‘catch’ you they lose interest in you. This can destroy your self esteem. Therapy sessions can help you change your values and your actions and stop relying on your gut (or unconscious) attractions.

 

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Signs you are in a bad pattern of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners;

-You usually fall for partners who will never ever settle down or commit to you and will often cheat on you multiple times.

-You focus a lot on pleasing your partner and trying to appease their needs and wants whereas your needs and wants seem to fall by the wayside. This isn’t a healthy relationship by the way!

-You feel incomplete unless you are in a relationship or needed.

-You feel incomplete unless you are getting sexual validation from someone.

-You find yourself in relationships that are very one sided where you are prepared to do anything to fix things and they say you’re ‘needy.’

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-You are a ‘rescuer’ and want to ‘fix’ your faulty partner rather than accept that what you see is what you get. You may get an emotional high from helping or be quite codepedent.

-You are searching more for the ‘high’ feelings of infatuation and romance rather than a trusting, mutal, mature, relationship.

-You feel like you’re the one that is always more emotionally invested in the relationship than your partners.

-You try hard to mould yourself into the person you think your partner wants.

-Perhaps you are emotionally unavailable yourself and you’re attracted what you give out.

-You aren’t attracted to calm, consistent and kind people that don’t play games because you’re not attracted to them and don’t feel any ‘spark.’

-You are always attracted to ‘bad boys’ or ‘wild girls.’

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-You think the hottest sex ever is when you’re trying to seduce or convince a hard to get person to be with you.

-You assume the highs and lows of anxiety, suspense, inconsistency and games are signs of chemistry. (they aren’t)

-You’re only sexually attracted to emotionally unavailable types.

-You believe you have to work super dooper hard to keep your partner interested because they’re so much more worthy and fascinating than you and they could easily lose interest and find someone else at the click of a finger.

-Your parter has all the power and control in the relationship and everything is set by their terms never yours.

-You desire a lot of closeness in a relationship but keep being with people who push you away and want a lot of alone time.

-You get trapped in dead end relationships that aren’t going anywhere for years and fall for the appeal of where the person could be rather than who they are today.

-People tell you that you just haven’t met the ‘right person’ when the reality is probably that you already have met the right person long ago but you were turned off by them because they were too ‘available.’

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Start to change your view of the definition of ‘love’ rather than a feeling that washes you away see it as actions that show consistency, kindness and caring.

When you’re dating someone ask them how they ended their past relationships and read between the lines to see if you can spot an emotionally unavailable abandoner. These abandoners cannot commit to a relationship and have all sorts of justifications for ending a relationship with someone-often blaming it on their exes ‘neediness.’  This wasn’t the reason. They broke up with their ex because they are emotionally unavailable.

In the honeymoon phase of a relationship it can be hard to see who someone truly is that’s why it’s important to look at their relationship history. Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re different and special and now that you’re here you can change them! That’s like juggling broken glass.

Don’t look at their relationship history through rose coloured glasses. Who they were in their relationships in the past reveals their present capacity for intimacy.

 

Please remember you can fall for someone who is totally and utterly wrong for you.

It is possible to break these patterns with the help of a therapist.

Going within is where the solutions lie. Perhaps it is time to take a break from dating and do some work on yourself with a therapist rather than continue this destructive cycle of toxic relationships with unavailable partners.  Take some downtime with me in confidential skype sessions so that you can take the power back and not keep repeating these painful and often soul destroying cycles with your relationships.

50 shades of stalking, control and abuse

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Stalking and tracking someone’s phone is not BDSM and far from a healthy relationship. It’s illegal and abusive.
This is about abuse, intimidation and control.

When manipulative and controlling jerk Christian has met Anastasia only three times he turns up outside her house but she never gave him her address. He also finds out where she works and turns up unannounced. He turns up unannounced at her mothers house hundreds of miles away when she goes there to visit. This is called stalking and is abuse.

Control freak Christian buys the company Anastasia works for so he can have complete control over her, has nonconsensual sex with her ignoring her “no.” Where is the healthy consent in this movie? Anastasia often goes along with sexual acts with Christian because she’s too shy to speak up or too scared to lose him and so goes along with his wishes.

There are kinky events that aren’t erotic play but more like emotional bargaining. Anastasia feels like she has to “put up with it” because she’s terrified of what he will do to her if she doesn’t.

He micromanages her life, cuts her off from her friends and family, dictates what she should eat and what exercise she should do.
He “love bombs” her with expensive gifts, deposits tens of thousands of dollars into her bank account but won’t tell her how he got her bank account details, disregards her requests for space, limits, safe words and boundaries, has double standards and rules for her but not for him, yells at her, pressures, badgers, gives the silent treatment and emotionally blackmails her and intimidates and threatens her to get his way, says her body is his and dictates what contraception she should use and makes her go to his gynaecologist to ensure she does with her body what he wants.

How people cannot see that Christian is an abusive bully is shocking. He maintains control over Anastasia through intimidation.

It’s not romantic that he’s extremely possessive of her when they’ve just met and not even a couple.

It’s not love when he tracks her mobile phone to stalk her and come and pick her up when she’s out with her friends. She doesn’t want him to come get her and he turns up and demands she go home. This is abuse.

There’s a big difference between wanting to explore power exchanges with your partner and wanting to use power to manipulate and control them.

After she accidentally forgot to call him once he said he wanted to hurt her.

The book also pathologises BDSM. Christian says he only likes it because of his terrible childhood and later in the books he “gets over” those desires with the help of a therapist. Umm. As a kink friendly therapist I was shocked to read about his being “cured” of his kinky desires. The DSM does not list BDSM as a pathology.

Just because the media glorifies and romanticises abusive relationships it’s important to remember the following…

Intimidation is not love. Possessiveness is a sign of control not romance. You have the right to walk away from a relationship and the right to say no to acts you aren’t comfortable with.

If this book, movie or message is triggering for you, bringing up past traumatic memories of an abusive relationship or you’re concerned about a current relationship then please get in touch via my website. All Skype and in person sessions are confidential.

Cat O Dowd
Www.creativesexpression.com

Why bottling up your emotions is bad for your health

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

New research shows the negative consequences of  bottling up our emotions. If your partner has done something to really upset you and you bottle it up-you are much more likely to be aggressive.
  If you’ve had a bad day at work and you suppress your emotions you can come home and take it out on your partner.
 Even Freud talked about this…


Another study shows that suppressing emotions can take years off your life. This study asked participants questions such as “I try to be pleasant so that others won’t get upset” and “When I’m angry I let people know.”


When the survey was repeated ten years later it was found that premature death rates are the highest amongst those that bottle up their emotions. 
Researchers guess this causes early deaths– perhaps because people use drugs, smoking, drinking or over eating as coping mechanisms for their suppressed emotions.  Perhaps the stress of bottling up emotions disrupts hormonal balances leading to illness and damage to the immune system.

Suppressing our emotions can shut down and close our partners out. We might not mean to do it or even want to do it but it could be a learned behaviour from our parents or our own attempts to avoid conflict. Sometimes we can’t cope or deal with an emotionally painful scenario because of we are paralysed by fear.

We can bury emotions down deep inside where they “rot.” This “fermentation” can seriously harm relationships and cause resentment.

“Buying peace” at any cost creates deep unhappiness. 
Swallowing down our hurt, bubbles up later in negative ways and manifests itself;

  • in low self esteem
  • unconsciously hurting and punishing our partner
  • internalising our pain so it turns into self destructive behaviour
  • venting about your partner
  • losing patience for your partner at little things etc.

We can try to avoid feeling our emotions through;

  • denial
  • compulsive behaviour such as over eating/working or sexual activity or drug abuse
  • addiction to pornography/intimacy avoidance
  • keeping excessively busy as a defence mechanism etc.

We use  many unhealthy techniques to help us repress our feelings. Learning to identify these emotions and releasing them can help improve and enhance our relationships. 


We can reverse emotional suppression.

I’ve helped many couples adopt new, healthy emotional communication styles. Telling our partner how we feel emotionally can open the gates of communication and help us feel more grounded. Learning how not to run away from our emotions and numb out the pain can force us to step out of the victim role and into a place of self responsibility.

I teach clients to identify how we feel. Ask yourself; What do I feel right now? Write the answer in a journal. Notice what tension you are feeling in your body when you feel certain emotions. Rather than rushing for the junk food/wine/cigarette or your own individual crux, notice the feeling in your body and the source of the emotion and work on that instead.

Try telling your partner, “I feel hurt because….” rather than bottling it all up can help start opening up the cork on your emotional bottle.

Come see me for confidential, open minded therapy to learn more techniques to improve your health and your relationships.


Cat O Dowd


Relationship Counsellor- Sex Therapist- Art Therapist

What are your rights in a relationship? Are you being abused or abusive?

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Examining Your Relationship

Sadly, we do not receive proper “relationship education” in schools. We are not taught about  healthy and positive sexuality and relationships and we learn as we go; from our parents, from movies, books and the world around us. As many of us can relate, this isn’t necessarily the best place to learn! There’s all sorts of power imbalances in our family and the media and this conflicts with the promoted romantic happily ever after idea.  All of these mixed messages can be very confusing.
Is it any wonder we can misunderstand what is acceptable in a relationship? Combine this with all the hormones and “blindness” of new love (researchers have found that when newly in love our critical thought capacities are significantly hindered!) it makes sense that we can be making bad relationship decisions.

Here’s a list of what your rights are in a relationship, taken from the Red Flag Campaign. What do you think of this list and would you add or omit any? Some good points to ponder here, even if you don’t agree with all of it.

What are your rights in a relationship?

  • To express your opinions and have them be respected
  • To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs
  • To grow as an individual in your own way
  • To change your mind
  • To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior
  • To not be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused
  • To break up with or fall out of love with someone and not be threatened

Are you being abused?

  • Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
  • Are you afraid to disagree?
  • Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior, especially when he or she has treated you badly?
  • Do you have to justify everything you do, everywhere you go, and everyone you see just to avoid your partner’s anger?
  • Does your partner put you down, but then tell you that he or she loves you?
  • Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you?
  • Do you not see friends or family because of your partner’s jealousy?
  • Have you ever been forced to have sex?
  • Are you afraid to break up because your partner has threatened to hurt you or himself or herself?
  • Has your partner ever threatened your life or the life of someone close to you?

Are you being abusive?

  • Do you constantly check up on your partner and accuse her or him of cheating or lying?
  • Are you extremely jealous or possessive?
  • Do you have an explosive temper?
  • Have you hit, kicked, shoved, or thrown things at your partner?
  • Do you constantly criticize or insult your partner?
  • Do you become violent when you use drugs or alcohol?
  • Do you use threats or intimidation to get your way?
  • Have you ever forced your partner to have sex with you through threats?
  • Have you ever threatened your partner with physical harm?
  • Have you threatened to hurt yourself or someone else if your partner breaks up with you?Book a session to see me to start working towards healthy relationships today! All counselling is confidential and non-judgemental.