Men fake orgasm and their partners are often none the wiser.
Clients have told me that when they use a condom they disguise whether they’ve orgasmed and their partner has no idea that they faked it.
A penis that is always hard sounds brilliant in theory but in reality it can cause all sorts of problems.
Take John for instance.. John can reach orgasm when he masturbates. He gets turned on with his partner but it takes him much longer and longer to reach orgasm every time they’re together.
Sometimes it’s impossible for him to ejaculate during sex that he fakes orgasm to “get it over with.”
Now John is at the point that he can’t orgasm at all during sex but he lies to his partner about it. His partner says John is more detached and distant during sex and it’s impacting their relationship in negative ways.
Delayed Ejaculation (DE) is rapidly becoming more common amongst men.
While orgasm and ejaculation isn’t necessary to have great sex, I would diagnose DE when it becomes persistent and troublesome and is causing relationship stress.
Yes there are many pathways to pleasure and orgasm but the important point here is that DE can detrimentally affect a man’s emotional wellbeing, self esteem and relationships.
What causes Delayed Ejaculation?
- DE can be caused by the side effects of SSRI anti depressants or physical problems such as diabetes, prostrate or spinal injuries.
- Psychological stresses such as relationship problems, financial worries, anxiety and over thinking or intimacy problems can cause DE.
- Some men might be so worried about their performance, problems at work or so emotionally disconnected from their partner they can’t connect or relax enough to climax.
- Cultural or religious reasons. Men brought up in a culture that shames sexual pleasure can internalise that guilt and shame. This can hold them back from letting go and completely surrendering to the emotional pleasure of partnered sex or lead to developing a very unusual masturbation style.
- Sometimes a couples mismatched desire for pregnancy can bring about DE. If there’s conflict surrounding her desire for a baby and his refusal then his mind can hold him back from ejaculating.
- Controlling and repressing emotions. Men who can’t mentally let go and be consumed by sensual pleasure can struggle with climaxing.
- Frequent masturbation and/or an ‘Idiosyncratic masturbatory style.’ This is when men have ‘trained’ their body to only get off on a specific pressure and rhythm that only their hand can deliver that can’t be replicated during partnered sex. Some boys can develop this throughout puberty by rushing their masturbation before they get “caught” or masturbate in a specific overly firm way to porn movies.
Treatment for Delayed Ejaculation
Once medical reasons have been factored out sex therapy and relationship counselling can treat DE.
I often see both partners in my therapy rooms or via skype and prescribe them “homework” exercises to be done in the comfort of their bedroom together in their own time.
Different approaches during sex can “shake things up” by changing the mental routine. I might recommend a brief masturbation break and to stay away from porn for a while. I’m not saying never look at porn again but try abstaining from watching porn for a month and see what happens to your relationship and your sexual functioning.
We also work on improving the emotional intimacy in the relationship through exploring; how the DE partner is emotionally holding back, sexual shame, guilt or fears of intimacy.
Therapy can strengthen and further bond your relationship and lead to more more intimate connections and better sex life. It takes guts to come see me but it’s worth it.
This was published as a column in Ciao Magazine. Art by Keith Haring, Peter Hujar, Sarah Lucas, Manuel Esthaem, Caravaggio, Luke Hillestad..
Practising mindfulness can activate and rewire the anterior insula in your brain with studies showing women who practise mindful meditation have a thicker insula and better orgasms. The more your practise using your insula, the better you can experience physical sensations during sex and be attuned into your partner’s emotions and feelings, and neuroscience researchers see brain changes after two weeks of practising so, if you’re starting out, try it every day for at least twenty minutes.
worrying about our the appearance of our body, how we ‘perform,’ or ‘watching’ ourselves having sex with an anxious, internal narration.
During sex be present with every throb, tingle, movement, taste and smell. You are opening the doorway to a new world of pleasure.
Don’t criticise yourself for not getting it perfect, the more you practise the easier it will get. You are retraining your brain by practising attention and you are becoming more sensitive to pleasure.
n a rainbow appeared just as I was about to jump into the water.
