What makes a great sex partner?



Great sex partners are confident. Now when I say confidence people often think of some cocky or arrogant bossy boots.
When I say confidence I don’t mean telling other people what to do, initiating sex all the time or being in control but feeling confident enough in yourself to embrace your own vulnerability. 

There is such strength in raw vulnerability. It is sexy and intimate.

When you’re confident, vulnerable, in touch with your sexual power and open to your partner you aren’t playing games or pretending. You wouldn’t use your sexual power to hurt or manipulate others. You’re not bottling up your emotions or using others to feed your ego in a pursuit of pleasure.

Vulnerability is about feeling confident about your body and your sexuality.
It’s about being authentic about who you are and expressing your wants and desires.
If you’re confident you can be flexible, open and adventurous within the sexual world of your relationship.  You’re not putting yourself out there from a needy, empty place that needs validation and attention but rather because you believe you have something to offer the other person. You trust yourself.

Notice your internal scripts. What are you telling yourself about your body? What do you tell yourself about what you deserve in a relationship?

“Your sexuality is an integral aspect of life. Ecstasy is your birthright. Intimate connection is foundational to health and happiness, beginning with your connection with yourself.”
S. Winston

This leads me to my next points..

Body Awareness

Great lovers are in touch with their bodies and have great body awareness. They are in tune with what their bodies are trying to tell them and listen to their bodies.

Many of us rush throughout our days and try to do everything to shut our bodies up. Try focussing inwardly for a moment and listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Tune into your breathing. Put your hand on your heart and listen to your heart beat.

Put your phone down.

When you eat a meal don’t look at your phone or watch the tv-try to solely focus on the sensual pleasure of eating without distractions.

Go outside and notice how the breeze feels on your skin.

Notice how the light reflects off the leaves and smell the damp moist smell of the earth.
These practices can help you mindfully channel your sexual energy and be more open to sensations. If you’re stressed out and rushing everywhere all the time it won’t help you to tune out and enjoy sexual connection. Your sexual energy is not just alive when you’re in bed.

Body Love

Start to express gratitude for your body and how it carries you around, protects, serves you and gives you pleasure.



Marvel at its uniqueness and abilities rather focus on the negative points you don’t like.

Accept your body and see it as a gift. Tell yourself, “I am imperfect but I am enough.” (Brene Brown)

Understand how your body works sexually and know how to give yourself orgasms. Notice what works for you and what doesn’t.

Honour your body.

Try to do one self nurturing thing for your body everyday.

Surrender to how sexy you truly are.

Changing our internal dialogue with ourselves is an important step in becoming empowered, owning our personal power, improving our sexual self esteem and transforming our sex lives and our relationships.


Focus more on the journey and less on the destination

Concentrate less on the orgasm and more on the pleasure and sensation. Sex is so much more than genitals touching and reaching an orgasm. Sex can be about connection, closeness, emotional release and intimacy, sensual surrender, bliss, vulnerability, healing, bonding and can be the closest thing some people get to spiritual “highs” or meditative bliss.
Try to stop viewing sex as a performance sport and don’t worry if what you like is nothing like what you’ve seen in a porno.


Good communication

If you feel so low about yourself you are always looking for validation in others, it will be difficult for you to communicate from a healthy place.

Learning how to communicate our wants, needs and desires and negotiate these accordingly are important skills in sexual communication. New research shows that couples that talk about sex are happier and have higher satisfaction with their sex lives.

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. If something feels good, say so, or make encouraging noises. Explain what you want, need and like and be a good listener and try to understand your partner’s needs.

Become a better lover by practising mindful sex.

Once you’ve regularly practised mindfulness in your everyday life, you’re ready to become a better lover by practising mindful sex.

Practising mindfulness can activate and rewire the anterior insula in your brain with studies showing women who practise mindful meditation have a thicker insula and better orgasms. The more your practise using your insula, the better you can experience physical sensations during sex and be attuned into your partner’s emotions and feelings, and neuroscience researchers see brain changes after two weeks of practising so, if you’re starting out, try it every day for at least twenty minutes.

Some deterrents for great sex include a mind whirling on autopilot, overstimulated brains from caffeine, stress or addictive text messaging, anxiety, being disconnected from your own body, worrying about our the appearance of our body, how we ‘perform,’ or ‘watching’ ourselves having sex with an anxious, internal narration.

On the other hand, one of the main ingredients in enjoying better sex is being fully present and immersed in the feelings and sensations, rather than being distracted by mind chatter or worrying about the past or the future. Mindfulness is the antidote to bad sex because it’s all about being present in the here and now.

First, move the distracting electronic devices out of the bedroom. They stimulate your mind and are a deterrent for being in the now.

You might want to try mindfulness on your own in a self pleasuring session. Focus on the sensations on one part of your body, when you smile, how does your mouth feel? Focus on your lips. Slowly scan your whole body to other parts that feel good. If you feel your mind wandering to think about work or errands, start concentrating on your breath and how the air enters your nostrils, goes down into your belly and then feel it leave your body.

Then try mindful meditation with your partner before having sex. It helps turn off the chaos of the day and helps you reconnect. Embrace your partner; focus on the warmth of their arms, their smell and other sensations. Look into their eyes and focus on the colour and size. Take turns being touched and just feeling and nothing else.

During sex be present with every throb, tingle, movement, taste and smell. You are opening the doorway to a new world of pleasure.

Let go of goal oriented expectations of orgasm and enjoy the feelings. It’s about the journey not the destination. If you find yourself worrying about orgasm or your mind drifts to something else, kindly guide your attention back to your body.

adult-writer-catDon’t criticise yourself for not getting it perfect, the more you practise the easier it will get. You are retraining your brain by practising attention and you are becoming more sensitive to pleasure.

If you’d like to learn how to have mindful sex and have better sex and orgasms with your partner then get in contact with me here! I’d love to hear from you..

This was published in CIAO magazine, you can read it here!

Is your Iphone killing your sex life?

Read my latest article published in CIAO magazine..

Last night I went to a restaurant and saw a couple sitting in silence; one looking at her phone, more interested in scanning the internet or playing games than in interacting. Once the food arrived she kept fiddling with her phone while they ate.

They didn’t say much and were emotionally disconnected from each other. I see this a lot.

More and more people are coming to me complaining that their partner ignores them for their mobile phone. They seek connection and intimacy with their partner but they’re rejected for time with an electronic device instead.

An English study shows that your relationship can be negatively influenced just by having your phone next to you, even if you don’t touch it. Partners said they trusted the other less and felt less empathy towards them when they had their mobile near them when talking about anything important.

In our fast paced lives it can be detrimental to a relationship if the only spare time you have together is always compromised and overusing your phone can hurt your relationship long term – say if your partner can’t give you their full attention because they are distracted by their phone and social media.

A growing percentage of people need to check their phone at least once an hour and some people even check their phones when on the toilet. With such multitasking minds, how do we learn to focus on one thing in the bedroom if we are not used to doing that during the day? That ‘mind chatter’ can make it difficult to have enjoyable sex, orgasms and connection.

My suggestion is when you go on a date with your partner, put your phone away, on silent or turn it off. Talk to your partner uninterrupted, even if just for 20 minutes a day! And really pay attention to your partner; eye contact, sitting close and touching can be very intimate and sexy when you are talking.

Start trying to practice ‘being in the moment’ when you are doing everyday activities like eating or washing up. For instance, when you are walking, experience your feet hitting the ground and the air on your face.

Concentrate on what is happening in the present moment, your breathing and what your body is feeling. Engage all your senses in these experiences. Practicing regular mindfulness reduces anxiety and depression and increases libido and positive body image.

Once you’ve sharpened your skills of being mindful in the world, you can start practicing mindful sex! It’s about being completely submerged in the sensations and pleasure of the moment and leads to greater connection, mind blowing sex and better relationships. For more on how to have mindful sex, don’t miss the next issue of Ciao.

You can read my article on the CIAO website here!

Get in touch with me here to learn mindfulness techniques and how to apply them in a session with your partner.  I look forward to hearing from you!