The internal clitoris

Internal Clitoris

The clitoris is the only human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure.

Most people think the clitoris is just a small “knob” at the top of the lips under the hood. This “glans” has 8,000 sensory nerve endings -that’s more than double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis and more than any other area on our body!

The clitoris interacts with over 15,000 nerve endings over the whole pelvic region. It’s made up of the same erectile tissue as the penis glans and engorges with blood upon arousal. However telling women that their clitoris is nothing more than a “bean” is like telling men their genitals are nothing more than the head of their penis. The glans is only the tip of the iceberg!

 

Internal Clitoris

In 1998 Australian Urologist, Helen O’Connell, showed us the worlds first clearest imaging of the internal clitoris. O’Connell was frustrated with the vast amount of medical information on male genitals and the scarce information on female genitalia functioning.

O’Connell discovered the clitoris glans is connected to an internal clitoris shaft, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. During clitoral erection, these 3 ½ inches long and 2 ½ inches wide structures engorge with blood and “embrace” the vagina. So you’re actually stimulating the internal clitoris when you are stimulating inside the vagina.

 

The Internal Clitoris

 

The internal clitoris also has two wishbone shaped crura which stretch toward the spine when erect. It’s much more complex than we imagined!
O’Connell says, “The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris. If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue.”


 

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It wasn’t until 2009 that researchers in France -Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès- completed the worlds first complete 3-D sonography of the aroused clitoris. It is very telling that they had to self fund their research.

Foldès performs reconstructive surgery on women who’ve suffered genital mutilation in an effort to restore their sexual sensitivity. Foldès was dumbfounded by how little research has been done about the clitoris and its functions, when he found thousands of extensive and well funded studies into the penis and surgical procedures.

“When I returned to France to treat genital mutilation, I was amazed that they were never tried. The medical literature tells us the truth about our contempt for women. For three centuries, there are thousands of references to penile surgery, nothing on the clitoris, except for some cancers or dermatology -and nothing to restore its sensitivity. The very existence of an organ of pleasure is denied, medically. Today, if you look at the anatomy books that all surgeons have, you will find two pages above. There is a real intellectual excision. “


I’m disappointed by the lack of attention given to the clitoris. Medical textbooks simplified the clitoris to a small nub and in the 1940’s it was erased from anatomy diagrams altogether! It is an injustice to deny this epicentre of female sexual pleasure.

Normal Barbie, meet Normal Ken!

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You might remember back in 2013 when artist and researcher Nickolay Lamm created a Barbie type of doll with the measurements of the average 19-year-old woman. The images of his new Barbie doll went viral, influenced the toy industry and spearheaded a crowd sourced campaign that raised over $500,000 to manufacture thousands of dolls.
Lamm was frustrated with Barbie’s highly unrealistic proportions when he went to buy a doll for his niece. He couldn’t believe that there still wasn’t a doll with more average proportions in this day and age.

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Lamm has just created a pack of ‘flawed’ stickers of cellulite, stretch marks, acne, moles, freckles and tattoos that the children can stick on the doll’s body. He’s trying to show children that a normal girl has flaws, it doesn’t make her less attractive and it means she’s out enjoying life.

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“I feel that, right now, dolls are very ‘perfect’ looking, when, in real life, few of us have perfect skin.. So, why not give dolls a ‘real treatment?’ Things like acne, stretch marks, and cellulite are a natural part of who we are.”

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Stretch marks often found on the found on the breasts, abdomen, hips, and thighs and between 50 to 90 percent of women will develop them.  Well over 90  percent of women have cellulite on their bodies.

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Now Lamm has created a Lammily man based on the dimensions of an average 19 year old man.  It doesn’t have defined muscles and or an obvious six-pack  like some action figures do. Lamm hopes his doll will promote a healthy body image for children and redefine what it means to be a man. How do you define a healthy masculinity and what do you think it means to be a man?

 

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“I feel that the media promotes a very ‘macho’ image for guys, which promotes a culture of sexism at the same time.  By making a realistic boy doll, I feel it can not only start a conversation about what it means to be a healthy man, but also lead to a more ‘real’ image which helps everyone. Let’s continue to support healthy bodies and minds.”

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Ken doll from the 1980’s

Lamm hopes his dolls will  show boys that real is beautiful too. His website explains,
“(we are) re-innovating the idea of what a physical “idol” can and should be, encouraging parents and children to challenge the way they think of normative body image and, in the process, have largely influenced an entire toy industry.”

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The Ken doll on the left and the Normal Ken on the right

Here’s some questions for you to ponder..

What societal pressures did you feel when you were growing up about how your body should look?

Did you compare your body to dolls, movie stars or models?

How do you feel better about your body when you’re not feeling good about it?
How do you look after your body?

What have others said about your body that’s impacted your self esteem?

What did you learn about your body growing up? Did you learn that it was a beautiful thing or a dirty shameful thing to be hidden?

What messages about your body did you learn from your community, your family, friends, religion and wider culture?
How do your feelings about your body influence your sexual and intimate relations? Does it impact how you go about finding a lover or instigating a sexual experience with your partner?
Are you comfortable naked?
How do you feel about your body?

Get in touch today if you’d like to overcome your body issues and enjoy intimacy more.

Love your Cunt

Definition of cunt in English:

noun

vulgar slang

A woman’s genitals.
An unpleasant or stupid person.
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Can we reclaim the word cunt? Cunt is considered the most offensive word in the English language. Cunt was a cheeky old Anglo Saxon word used to describe female genitalia and pleasure. In 1230 you could walk down “Gropecunt Lane” in London’s red light district.

Cunt is a powerful word that got turned into something nasty as female pleasure became something to be feared and controlled. In 1785 the Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue defined “cunt” as “a nasty name for a nasty thing.”

 

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What does it say about what our culture thinks about female sexuality if the worst word you can insult someone with is female genitalia? What does it say about our gender relations?

Today we misname all the outer female genitalia by the polite and clinical word “vagina.” The original latin meaning for vagina was a passive sheath for a sword. Vagina only refers to the birth canal not the clitoris, foreskin, inner or outer lips.  It is only one of our sexual organs not all of them.

It is ridiculous that we’re still so lacking in everyday vocabulary for the vulva. It is challenging to try to reclaim the word “pussy” and “cunt” when they are so often used as terms of abuse.  If someone is called a “pussy”  it means they’re cowardly, weak, or easily tired. The Collins Dictionary says pussy means: “(taboo, slang) an ineffectual or timid person.” It’s particularly used as a term to denigrate men as feeble, timid and ineffectual. Sayings like “pussy whipped” are used to put down a man that is supposedly controlled by or submissive to his girlfriend or wife.
The correct term for all the female external genitalia is vulva but it doesn’t refer to any internal parts like vagina. Cunt is the only word we can use for the whole of the female genitalia.

 

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Cunt is a strong, active and sexually potent word.

What words do you use to describe the female sex organs? Do you use passive slang words like “hole” or “gash” that talk about having something done to it or it being penetrated? Studies have shown many people think sex is something that is “done to women.” Sadly our sex education for children is so inadequate that many use porn as sex ed. This can lead to confused ideas about sex and assumptions that the woman is a passive recipient. Porn is a performance and a fantasy. We don’t teach our children the critical skills to deal with watching porn. Children don’t realise that what someone wants to watch isn’t necessarily what they want to do when it comes to porn and sex.

Over the past few centuries the cunt and its receptive qualities became one and the same with passivity. This is a sad correlation. Think of how the act of eating is receptive but there’s nothing passive about the mouth and eating. The cunt is the same.

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Our cultural narrative have misrepresented female sexuality as passive and docile but in reality women have unlimited orgasmic capacity that can often far outweigh men’s orgasmic potential. Humans are a very hyper-sexual species compared to other animals that only mate when the female is fertile. The only other animals that mate all cycle long like us are are our closest relatives. Bonobo female primates have insatiable sexual desires who mate with many males and females. The female primates libidio and orgasmic capacity outmatches any male primate.

Far from being a passive sheath for a sword, vaginas are active self cleaning organs with strong muscles that can clutch around a finger, penis or dildo and undulate around it. During orgasms the cervix dips down and “swallows” sperm.
 Vaginal orgasmic contractions can push out the sperm from one man and suck in another. The ovum actively “stretches” out and envelopes hesitant sperm. When women are fertile and ovulating, research has shown that they are more confident, competitive, their libido is higher, they wear brighter coloured clothes and smell more attractive to potential mates.

 
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My school sex education only taught me about a passive vagina waiting to have a penis thrust in and out of it to deposit sperm!

However strong cunt muscles can “milk,” “suck the penis” inside, push it out, pulse around it, clench around it and actively create heightened pleasure for their partner and increase the intensity of their own orgasms.
The more we love our bodies, the less performance anxiety we can feel and the better sex, intimacy, connection and orgasms we can have.

As Germaine Greer said back in 1973, “Lady love your cunt!”

If you’d like to learn more about loving your body, increasing your sexual and orgasmic capacity and reducing performance anxiety please get in touch today for a confidential appointment.

Disabling Sexual Stereotypes

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One in five people have a disability in Australia. Different prejudices exist around people who have a physical disability, are chronically ill, have an intellectual disability or mental illness. I bust some false stereotypes surrounding people with disability and sex.

MYTH: People with a disability have no sexual feelings, sexual awareness, sexual potency, romantic inclinations and cant have sex at all.

Think of Lady Chatterley who gets her rocks off with the gamekeeper because of her cripplehusband.

People with a disability are not asexual or sexually inadequate. They are sexual beings with needs and desires and have the right to explore and express their sexuality just like everybody else. They also have the right to consensual sex and to not have sex at all.

On that note, people with a disability experience the same diversity of sexuality as anyone else. Heterosexuality isn’t mandatory dont assume aspects of peoples identity based on your own preconceptions.

MYTH: People with disability have the sexuality of a child.

Infantilization denies the capacity for sexual desire by saying, You need to be cared for like a child.”  It denies the potential for independence. Its a distressing myth for people who are struggling already with loneliness and a lack of sexual fulfillment. This taboo about sex and disability is upheld in media representations. The fact you never see people with visible disabilities being sexual or in a relationship in a movie is another way disability is excluded from an essential aspect of life.

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MYTH: People with a disability have an animalistic, hyper sexuality and cannot control their predatory sexual desires.

This myth of sexual deviance has been especially used against vulnerable women with learning difficulties or mental illness. It has justified the abuse of women in institutions for hundreds of years. Women with disabilities still experience the highest sexual assault rates of any demographic in Australia, unfortunately reasons for this include difficulty in reporting sexual assault, incredulity in sexual assault claims, reliance on the perpetrators for other aspects of care as well as a lack of sex education.

MYTH: Women with a disability have no sexual needs whereas men do.

Much of the focus on sex work for clients with disabilities focuses mainly on mens needs. Women have sexual needs too. Research shows that young women with disabilities often have less space to discuss their sexuality as a teenager than young men. Some disability advocates say that encouraging men to see sex workers only commodifies their sexuality, telling them that the only way theyll have sex is through paying for it. They believe addressing broader social changes that fight for their sexual birthright are more important. Recognition of queer identities in advocacy for people with disabilities is important too.

 

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MYTH: If they cant have penetrative sex its not real sex.

Sex is about intimacy, closeness, connection, sensuality and exploration. It encompasses more than limited definitions of sex as the penis goes into this opening or the genitals clanging together. All people have multiple erogenous zones, which can be explored with much more than a penis!

People with chronic pain have used sex as a painkiller, BDSM has potential to heighten intimacy for people and sex is about so much more than penetration..

 

 

Photographs by Italian photographer Olivier Fermariello from his series on the private and sensual life of disabled people; “Je t’aime moi aussi.”

Shame game

Here’s my column for Ciao Magazine from October 2015..

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Miranda Devine shamed and stigmatised female survivors of domestic violence in her last article titled ‘Demonising men won’t stop domestic violence’. There’s already enough blame heaped on victims by our society and by the perpetrators themselves. The main feeling that victims of DV describe is shame.

Shame damages self esteem, creates hurdles to seeking help and keeps women suffering in silence – overwhelmed by powerlessness. Shame can be a symptom of post-traumatic stress and victims can feel embarrassed. Perpetrators can use shame to disempower and keep control over their victims.

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If your culture places great emphasis on finding a companion and starting a family then the shame of enduring intimate partner violence is heightened. Victims can see themselves as failures in not upholding the thing that they strive for: the family unit.

When counselling clients that have survived domestic violence I am mindful of the effects of shame. We need to understand victims of domestic violence not shame them.

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We need to understand that victims can feel trapped and isolated in their own home. Often they can’t leave because of economic reasons, possible homelessness, cuts to women’s shelters, protecting their children or the fear of reprisal.

Miranda shows staggering ignorance towards the complexities of leaving a DV relationship. It isn’t simple. A third of women will continue to experience violence even once they have ended the relationship.

Leaving can be the most dangerous time for a woman. It can be the time when a woman is most often killed.

DV affects all economic levels, incomes, race and employment statuses. Miranda said that domestic violence was a crime of poverty and quoted the lower rates of reported domestic violence in more affluent areas of Sydney compared to remote communities. Yes there are higher reported rates of DV in remote communities than in metropolitan areas of all classes, however it’s intentionally misleading not to explain the complexities of under-reporting domestic violence.

 

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We know DV does occurs more frequently than reported than in the affluent suburbs of Sydney and across all our cities.

Research shows that middle class victims are less likely to seek refuges or report violence. Some can afford to leave without contacting the authorities for help because they have greater economic means. The prospect of losing everything and having one’s high status torn down keeps some victims suffering in silence.

Less than half of all victims of domestic violence actually report it to the police.

Married victims, older victims and those with less serious injuries are less likely to report incidences. Others possibly grew up in a home witnessing domestic violence and are repeating unconscious generational patterns. We will never know the actual stats of how many women are DV victims because of the culture of blame, shame and secrecy that obscures this horrific crime.

 

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For violence against women to end and for the under reporting to stop, society has to completely renounce it. Victims, perpetrators, workers in the police and legal system need to hear loud and clear that violence against women is a crime and it won’t be tolerated.

If you have experienced domestic violence and would like to seek help you can contact me here for confidential counselling.

Sexual Mistakes to Avoid

Here’s some of  the most common mistakes people make when making love and how to avoid them.

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Same old routine

Get in bed. I do this. You do this. I put this there. Orgasm. End. Yawn!

Routines lead to sexual boredom. Experiment. Mix up the order. Sex isn’t a linear journey from A to B, especially for women. Surprising your partner with oral sex and a quickie in the kitchen is as valuable as a slow, teasing session with lots of long, deep kisses where all the clothes stay on for a delightfully long time.

Get out of the bedroom and get off the bed! Try different places around the house, sexy times outside, different times of day or sexy weekend getaways.

 

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Tit for Tat

Sex isn’t about keeping score. Avoid: “well, I did this to you, now you do that to me.” You could spend an entire loving session where you pleasure her and she lies back and loses her mind. She could start giving you a long sexy massage that eventually moves to the inner thighs and caresses the genitals… Play and have fun!

Not giving feedback

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. They don’t know if the pressure of their hand or tongue is working for you unless you tell them. If you’re afraid to say, “yes like that …I love that”, or “harder… softer… slower…” try using appreciative noises like “ahhhhh.”

Learned helplessness in the bedroom can be overcome by owning your pleasure. Take your partners hand and show them how you like to be touched or show them how you do it yourself. If you have a specific fantasy for something you have to ask for it!

Critical Sex Judge

Only voicing up during sex when you don’t like something is a turn off. Give feedback through positives rather than being a condemning judge. Don’t critique your partner’s body, genitals, erection, sexual functioning or compare them to an ex!

Over correcting doesn’t create a supportive place to surrender to pleasure. For every critical comment try to provide three positive points. Try, “I love how you use your tongue and hands, but please no teeth. You look so sexy when you…”

 

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Owning Your Pleasure

Our lover doesn’t “give” us an orgasm, we are responsible for our own orgasms. If we don’t know how to orgasm on our own then we are setting up a huge challenge for our partner. Be in touch with your body, know how to bring yourself to orgasm and what works for you. Grab a mirror and have a look at your genitals. Get acquainted with your body.

Post Coital Silence

“I loved it when you…” Debriefing after the heat of the moment when you’re high on bonding hormones can bring long term improvements. Pillow talk what worked for you so your partner knows for next time. I’m not encouraging an entire performance review! A few words before sleep can make a difference.

 

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Faking Orgasm

Focus more on the journey than the ending. Be authentic and honest. Try, “I might be too tired to orgasm but I’m still keen for some loving!”