I have so many clients that tell me about how their partner doesn’t touch them much. They speak about how they always sit far from them, on their phone or playing games and it’s like they’re a remote island.
If you are in a relationship how much time do you spend in close physical contact?
Do you wish you had more touch or less touch?
I don’t necessarily mean just sexual contact but any touch whatsoever.
A lot of us are touch starved in our tech saturated world. We all need touch! It’s how our brains are wired.
Studies of baby monkeys show that the desire to touch and be touched is stronger than the desire for food.
Research shows that human babies and children need touch and physical comfort and these needs don’t disappear when we grow up into adulthood.
We need touch to truly thrive; it is fundamental to our health, communication and bonding. In fact children and babies who don’t experience much touch growing up can be more violent, have weakened immune systems. and a host of other problems.
If you don’t spend much time hugging or touching there’s a chance that your hippocampus in your brain might be smaller- the smaller this organ is the harder it is for your brain to regulate your stress response.
So, hugging and touching your partner is good for you, your relationship and your brain!
Physical touch also helps reduce stress. I’m talking about everything from sex to giving a kissing, massage, holding hands, cuddling, hugging, stroking, tickling and lots more..
These examples are medicine for your body and your relationship. This kind of touch helps to preventatively maintain your health and healing ailments you may have according to the latest research.
Join my inner circle here if you’d like to learn how to deepen your connection with your lover through a daily touching ritual. You’ll notice the difference within a few days or a week. Just fill out your name and email address in the pop up.
Ahhhh I’m getting sick of reading BAD SEX ADVICE for women!
I’m especially sick of reading and hearing BAD SEX ADVICE for women who want to bring back their sexual desire.
I’m so sick of it I throw up my hands in the air and make noises! And not sexy noises!
It seems the ruling consensus in BAD SEX ADVICE for women who want their sex drive back seems to be a long list of “how to pleasure your man.”
No! No! No! This will not work! Sexual desire is complex and multi-faceted. Low libido in women will not be helped by focussing more on what the man wants. YOUR PLEASURE MATTERS!
We need to unlearn EVERYTHING we learnt about sex.
Sex is NOT something that women do just to pleasure men or about getting more okay with doing sexual things that men want and love. If your relationship starts out like that your sex drive aint gonna last the distance. If you want to have your mojo for the long haul in a long distance relationship you have got to start being REAL. Take charge of your own pleasure.
I know that’s a very strong storyline in a LOT of porn out there but it is not true and we need to let go of this idea like –now!
I see a lot of clients where men (bisexual or heterosexual) have learnt everything about sex from porn. In particular, porn where women are faking their sexual pleasure and the scene centres around the man’s pleasure and orgasm.
This makes sense because good sex education in our culture is pretty thin on the ground! It’s normal for young people to be curious about sex and so they get their main education from porn. This is problematic in itself. The current basic education (–here’s how you put a condom on a banana and here’s how to unwrap a tampon-) does not prepare young people to navigate sex and relationships in our digital climate.
Current education is often delivered far too late. The average age of first exposure to porn is 12. Two-thirds of young people in the UK have watched online porn by the age of 15. 42% of porn scenes depict violence towards girls and women.
Porn is pretty confusing sex education for girls and boys. Imagine if you’re a teenage male virgin who spends years and years watching porn without any dose of criticality -because you’re way too young for that and school didn’t teach you any of those skills—- and now imagine that boy as an adult about to have sex for the first time with a real life woman.
This porn education can lead to real life sex where the man is purely focussed on his own pleasure and at the same time has unconsciously eroticised women’s physical pain.
This bad porn sex education aka “conditioning” really stuffs with men’s radar to identify women enjoying AUTHENTIC sexual pleasure. And I’m not talking about BDSM at all here, I’m talking “standard issue” hetero porn.
And no, I’m not an anti-porn crusader by any means! I’m purely speaking about the problems of teenagers using only porn as their sex education.
If young men only learnt all about sex by watching women PRETEND to have sexual pleasure with someone they’re not necessarily attracted to, whilst performing in front of camera and a camera crew then how are they supposed to know when their sex partner is faking an orgasm? And a recent study found that 85% of men believed their female partner had an orgasm during their last sexual encounter but only 60% of women said that they did.
That’s a lot of women being dishonest out there and a lot of men not realising it.
Jenna Jammeson spoke about having sex with men she found physically repulsive and having to fake desire on camera.
“Arnold Biltmore had a soft, pasty body; a porous, greasy complexion; and a kindergarten haircut, parted in the middle and combed to either side. Nothing about Arnold turned me on. And in ten minutes I was supposed to have sex with him.
When our scene started, he tried to kiss me. I turned my head away from the camera, so that no one could see me grimace…. As my head kept bumping into his stomach while I gave him head, all I could think was, ‘What the hell am I doing here? This is disgusting.’ ”
I had one wonderful young couple who came to see me for sex therapy and relationship counselling. Let’s call them Jack and Jill. Obviously not their real names. Jack told me they were here to see me for Jill’s low libido.
Jill had been faking orgasms for the entire three years of the relationship and Jack had no idea her orgasms weren’t real. Now Jill’s desire had almost completely disappeared because she was sick of faking and wasn’t enjoying sex. Jack was frustrated that the sex had ended and wondered why Jill had “become frigid overnight.” Jill was sick of doing things she didn’t want to do but Jack wanted to do because “everyone does that.” Well everyone in his favourite pornos might.
No amount of “how to pleasure your man in bed” ie BAD SEX ADVICE tips would help this situation and I’m so glad they came and see me.
They needed a creative sexpression therapy and sex ed road map stat!
Jill originally felt like sex had to be about what Jack liked hence her burn out. Jack couldn’t tell Jill was faking because she was doing everything actresses do in the porn he’d watched. It felt safer for Jill to cater to Jack’s pleasure than be vulnerable and say what she wanted and needed. Jill’s main priority and all her energy during sex were about making Jack feel like he “did” a great sexual performance on “her.” Jack had never seen a woman in a porn scene online say no to aggression, violence or crossing boundaries.
We’ve got all sorts of things at play that we worked through here;
the broader social and cultural implication about gender and sex (the man as the “sex boss” the woman as always sexually submissive)
the words used to describe sex (he nails her/she takes it/I’m going to bang you etc)
unlearning what they’d learnt about distorted messages from porn and re-learning about healthy and respectful sexual relationships, boundaries, limits, consent etc
their emotional barometer–brushing needs under the carpet
a new responsive to the other-understanding genuine response
whether they believed their needs were important or worth articulating
some overdue good and healthy sex education.
sexual communication and the confidence to say what you need! For example- the ability to own your pleasures and your desire. To say- THIS IS WHAT I LIKE! This is what I want.
Jack and Jill were only having sex in the missionary position with Jack’s body pressed down on top of hers. This made it very difficult for Jill to orgasm and that, alongside the other stuff that she didn’t enjoy at all- combined to explain her lack of interest in sex.
Some women don’t orgasm from vaginal sex alone and Jill needed to feel confident enough to explore and experiment with Jack- try new positions, get in control and enjoy genuine sexual pleasure.
Not faked, not a performance. Not just focussed on looking sexy all arranged on your back on the bed but REAL. RECKLESS ABANDON. WILD. SENSUAL. INTIMATE. SEXY AS FUCK!
So don’t fake orgasms. Please. Ever. Ever ever ever. Just stop now.
Being genuine, intimate and vulnerable with your partner is DAM SEXY!
I liked Jack and Jill. They came willing to do the work to change their relationship. They did all the homework exercises. Their enthusiasm as things started to change was infectious.
Jack stopped making Jill do things in bed she didn’t want to do and she learnt to communicate her sexual boundaries. Jill’s sex drive came back. Jack and Jill completely and utterly transformed their sex life. Jill no longer fakes orgasm with Jack and they no longer only have sex in the missionary position. Jill has taken charge of her own orgasms and has begun having orgasms in intimate explorations with Jack. She’s finding her voice and not giving her expectations away to Jack. Jack has been learning about real female desire and satisfaction.
They look like a completely different couple now. The energy has changed. They look like a couple that only just started dating a few months ago. The chemistry is off the charts.
BOOM! I love a happy ending. Well it’s more like a happy beginning for this young couple as they continue to work on their healthy sexual exploration together.
If our schools had a program intergrated into our sex education (and the Australian government is looking into this right now) or a framework for kids to decode, contextualise and analyse porn then kids would have a way of testing these values against real life relationships and sex and not accept this as “real sex.”
Kids would also learn to critically evaluate the violence towards women shown in so much mainstream porn and dicuss consent and boundaries. How much better would this make our daily life!
Back to the topic of talking about giving yourself away to someone else needs for a moment… Porn star Jenna Jammeson in her book, “How to Make Love Like A Porn Star” speaks about how she was giving herself away to the needs and expectations of the men in her life.
“Joy had booked interviews and photo ops for me every ten minutes. And I was excited to do all that work. I was willing to do anything to be someone who everyone loved. Looking back on it, it was just a new type of insecurity replacing the old one, and I was giving myself away to the needs and expectations of the public instead of the needs and expectations of the men in my life. It was just a new form of dependence developing. And it was equally detrimental to any sort of emotional stability.”
It’s not sexually empowered to only ever have sex in the way your male partner wants and put all of your energy into pleasing them at the expense of your own pleasure. Sure this might be fun to do some of the time of course but by no means should this be the default mode.
Joan Sewell writes about a book she read called “Date Like a Man” by “dating coach” Myreah Moore.
“In it (Date Like a Man) there’s a section with the bold title “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” But very curiously, the majority of the chapter deals with what men want sexually, not women. Here are some of the headings: Men Like Blow Jobs Get to Know Mr. Happy Kiss It, Lick It, Squeeze It, Tease It Deep Throating Men Like Women Who Swallow Men Like Pornography Men Like Lingerie Men Like to Talk Dirty Men Like Women Who Bring on the Noise Men Like Women Who Are Flexible Men Like Lesbians” “I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido” – Joan Sewell
Are you a woman struggling to orgasm with your partner?
Suzy* had never orgasmed with her husband. She came to see me after her doctor recommended she see a sex therapist. Her doctor couldn’t find any medical problems so together we worked to find the source of her “inorgasmia”. She was able to orgasm through masturbation (solo sex) but not partnered sex.
During our sessions we explored her attitudes to sex, her sexuality, her body, genitals and her relationship.
Suzy had been brought up in a strict religious family where she was taught that women should suppress their sexual appetite.
Cultural ideas that demonise and repress sex have a profound influence on women’s ability to orgasm and can block women’s sexual potential.
Suzy felt guilty for masturbating and thought her vulva was ugly and sinful because of her upbringing.
I set Suzy various homework exercises to do at home. Suzy’s homework exercises were to look at her naked body in the mirror, regularly masturbate, sleep naked and and have a good look at her genitals under a proper light with a mirror. She had never done these before and over time with support, they increased her sexual awareness and acceptance of her body.
Art therapy and positive sex education helped view her sex organs as cherished and beautiful.
We explored Suzy’s childhood to discover unconscious blocks. Her father abandoned the family when she was four and was sporadically available for a few more years before disappearing from her life altogether. The pain from this abandonment kept her imprisoned in a knee jerk response of emotional control whenever she felt vulnerable. She was scared of letting go and surrendering to her partner. Hypnosis and meditation helped Suzy to start to ‘let go.’
We looked at how her intimate relationship functioned. Research consistently shows that a woman’s happiness in her relationship and whether she feels ‘safe’ are directly connected to her ability to orgasm. Emotions are more important when it comes to orgasm with a partner than with masturbation.
There were power and control issues in her relationship surrounding the expectation that the man in a relationship is rightfully the sexual ‘boss’. Suzy didn’t want to offend her husband by asking for what she wanted. She wanted to ask for more foreplay and clitoris stimulation but was scared he might take it personally and feel like a failure. Her husband rushed foreplay and had only received sex education through pornographic films. They didn’t use lubricant so the condoms caused Suzy pain. Lots of lubricant is essential for safe sex always.
Together we worked on healthy communication styles where Suzy could vocalise her sexual preferences and share sex education resources with her partner. I set sensual “homework” exercises for the couple that started with non-genital caresses. They had to practice touching each other in ways that focussed on pleasurable sensations instead of orgasm.
By the end of our sessions Suzy had achieved her first “coital orgasm” and had showed her husband how she liked to be touched in a non-confronting way. They’d opened up their sexual repertoire to pleasure and intimacy as the goal rather than orgasm. Together they had improved their communication. Suzy had challenged her own internalised beliefs, accepted she was entitled to sexual pleasure and reclaimed her sexual power.
Dear Cat, I need help. I’m so worried I’ll get this wrong. I want to teach my kids the right things about sex and their bodies but it’s so confusing because I was taught the wrong things when I grew up. Should I use the correct word for body parts? When I grew up I was taught pet names for my genitals and I feel sqeamish about talking about it with them. Should I keep them in the dark about the real words? How should I do this?
Dear Worried Parent,
Thanks for reaching out. It’s normal to feel nervous about talking about sex with your children. Some parents can be so worried about getting it perfect that they say nothing at all! It can be confusing to talk to your children about sex but it’s important to try and be open and honest.
Talking openly about sex with your children means that your children will be more likely to come to you for help or advice. Don’t worry! It doesn’t have to be one big talk about the birds and the birds that you have to get completely perfect. Research shows that you should talk early and often with your child in lots of little conversations. Possibly first bring it up when you are driving somewhere or washing the dishes rather than sit down at a table for an “official talk.” This helps keep it informal, relaxed and doesn’t teach shame about their bodies.
The use of pet names for children’s genitals reflects our cultural discomfort about talking openly and honestly about sex.
Teaching the right words like ‘penis’ and ‘vulva’ to describe boys and girls genitals at the same time they learn about words for their elbows, knees and toes is very important for a child’s education. It normalises the words and the parts of their body. By showing your child that no part of their body is shameful or embarrassing it puts your child on the right path to developing a healthy body image.
If you must use simplified words for your children if they’re toddler age try and also use the correct terms alongside them, say when they’re in the bath for instance. What you are doing is demonstrating how you communicate about the body. This is important for children to watch and learn from. You’ll be teaching your child that all parts of their body are good and all parts have names.
You shouldn’t keep your children in the dark about proper labels for their body. Ignorance can be counter productive. If for instance, a girl experiences unwanted touching, assault or an unhealthy relationship and only has words like “cookie” for her vulva then this can make things very difficult if she asks a teacher for help. How would a teacher know what she means when she said someone wants her cookie?
The wrong words can act as a barrier for help. Ensuring children have proper words for their bodies is a protective measure. Children are more likely to ask for help if they have proper words for their “private parts” because they are equipped with the correct vocabulary to use in any situation.
Make sure you teach your children to use the word vulva for the entire outside parts of their genitals and not the simplified term ‘vagina.’ The word vagina only refers to the inside muscular and tubular part that extends from the vulva to the cervix.
An Australian government resource recommends;
Teach kids that every part of the body has a name and its own ‘job’ to do. Answer their questions. Point out that girls and boys have lots of parts that are the same and some that are different. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vulva (‘vulva’ is the name for the female external sexual parts/genitals). For older children tell them that boys have a scrotum and testicles, and girls also have a clitoris and vagina.
Keep your answers positive, to the point and short. You might want to buy some sex education books for kids to read together. I’ve listed some below..
A great book for parents- Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child’s Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens, Richardson & Schuster.
For children aged 5 to 8-
It’s Not the Stork: A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends, Robie H. Harris & Michael Emberley.
Everyone’s Got A Bottom — A Storybook For Children Aged 3–8 Years, Family Planning Queensland.
For children aged 8 to 12-
Let’s Talk about Where Babies Come From, Robie H. Harris.
Men fake orgasm and their partners are often none the wiser.
Clients have told me that when they use a condom they disguise whether they’ve orgasmed and their partner has no idea that they faked it.
A penis that is always hard sounds brilliant in theory but in reality it can cause all sorts of problems.
Take John for instance.. John can reach orgasm when he masturbates. He gets turned on with his partner but it takes him much longer and longer to reach orgasm every time they’re together.
Sometimes it’s impossible for him to ejaculate during sex that he fakes orgasm to “get it over with.”
Now John is at the point that he can’t orgasm at all during sex but he lies to his partner about it. His partner says John is more detached and distant during sex and it’s impacting their relationship in negative ways.
Delayed Ejaculation (DE) is rapidly becoming more common amongst men.
While orgasm and ejaculation isn’t necessary to have great sex, I would diagnose DE when it becomes persistent and troublesome and is causing relationship stress.
Yes there are many pathways to pleasure and orgasm but the important point here is that DE can detrimentally affect a man’s emotional wellbeing, self esteem and relationships.
What causes Delayed Ejaculation?
DE can be caused by the side effects of SSRI anti depressants or physical problems such as diabetes, prostrate or spinal injuries.
Psychological stresses such as relationship problems, financial worries, anxiety and over thinking or intimacy problems can cause DE.
Some men might be so worried about their performance, problems at work or so emotionally disconnected from their partner they can’t connect or relax enough to climax.
Cultural or religious reasons. Men brought up in a culture that shames sexual pleasure can internalise that guilt and shame. This can hold them back from letting go and completely surrendering to the emotional pleasure of partnered sex or lead to developing a very unusual masturbation style.
Sometimes a couples mismatched desire for pregnancy can bring about DE. If there’s conflict surrounding her desire for a baby and his refusal then his mind can hold him back from ejaculating.
Controlling and repressing emotions. Men who can’t mentally let go and be consumed by sensual pleasure can struggle with climaxing.
Frequent masturbation and/or an ‘Idiosyncratic masturbatory style.’ This is when men have ‘trained’ their body to only get off on a specific pressure and rhythm that only their hand can deliver that can’t be replicated during partnered sex. Some boys can develop this throughout puberty by rushing their masturbation before they get “caught” or masturbate in a specific overly firm way to porn movies.
Treatment for Delayed Ejaculation
Once medical reasons have been factored out sex therapy and relationship counselling can treat DE.
I often see both partners in my therapy rooms or via skype and prescribe them “homework” exercises to be done in the comfort of their bedroom together in their own time.
Different approaches during sex can “shake things up” by changing the mental routine. I might recommend a brief masturbation break and to stay away from porn for a while. I’m not saying never look at porn again but try abstaining from watching porn for a month and see what happens to your relationship and your sexual functioning.
We also work on improving the emotional intimacy in the relationship through exploring; how the DE partner is emotionally holding back, sexual shame, guilt or fears of intimacy.
Therapy can strengthen and further bond your relationship and lead to more more intimate connections and better sex life. It takes guts to come see me but it’s worth it.
The clitoris is the only human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure.
Most people think the clitoris is just a small “knob” at the top of the lips under the hood. This “glans” has 8,000 sensory nerve endings -that’s more than double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis and more than any other area on our body!
The clitoris interacts with over 15,000 nerve endings over the whole pelvic region. It’s made up of the same erectile tissue as the penis glans and engorges with blood upon arousal. However telling women that their clitoris is nothing more than a “bean” is like telling men their genitals are nothing more than the head of their penis. The glans is only the tip of the iceberg!
In 1998 Australian Urologist, Helen O’Connell, showed us the worlds first clearest imaging of the internal clitoris. O’Connell was frustrated with the vast amount of medical information on male genitals and the scarce information on female genitalia functioning.
O’Connell discovered the clitoris glans is connected to an internal clitoris shaft, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. During clitoral erection, these 3 ½ inches long and 2 ½ inches wide structures engorge with blood and “embrace” the vagina. So you’re actually stimulating the internal clitoris when you are stimulating inside the vagina.
The internal clitoris also has two wishbone shaped crura which stretch toward the spine when erect. It’s much more complex than we imagined!
O’Connell says, “The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris. If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue.”
It wasn’t until 2009 that researchers in France -Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès- completed the worlds first complete 3-D sonography of the aroused clitoris. It is very telling that they had to self fund their research.
Foldès performs reconstructive surgery on women who’ve suffered genital mutilation in an effort to restore their sexual sensitivity. Foldès was dumbfounded by how little research has been done about the clitoris and its functions, when he found thousands of extensive and well funded studies into the penis and surgical procedures.
“When I returned to France to treat genital mutilation, I was amazed that they were never tried. The medical literature tells us the truth about our contempt for women. For three centuries, there are thousands of references to penile surgery, nothing on the clitoris, except for some cancers or dermatology -and nothing to restore its sensitivity. The very existence of an organ of pleasure is denied, medically. Today, if you look at the anatomy books that all surgeons have, you will find two pages above. There is a real intellectual excision. “
I’m disappointed by the lack of attention given to the clitoris. Medical textbooks simplified the clitoris to a small nub and in the 1940’s it was erased from anatomy diagrams altogether! It is an injustice to deny this epicentre of female sexual pleasure.
Can we reclaim the word cunt? Cunt is considered the most offensive word in the English language. Cunt was a cheeky old Anglo Saxon word used to describe female genitalia and pleasure. In 1230 you could walk down “Gropecunt Lane” in London’s red light district.
Cunt is a powerful word that got turned into something nasty as female pleasure became something to be feared and controlled. In 1785 the Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue defined “cunt” as “a nasty name for a nasty thing.”
What does it say about what our culture thinks about female sexuality if the worst word you can insult someone with is female genitalia? What does it say about our gender relations?
Today we misname all the outer female genitalia by the polite and clinical word “vagina.” The original latin meaning for vagina was a passive sheath for a sword. Vagina only refers to the birth canal not the clitoris, foreskin, inner or outer lips. It is only one of our sexual organs not all of them.
It is ridiculous that we’re still so lacking in everyday vocabulary for the vulva. It is challenging to try to reclaim the word “pussy” and “cunt” when they are so often used as terms of abuse. If someone is called a “pussy” it means they’re cowardly, weak, or easily tired. The Collins Dictionary says pussy means: “(taboo, slang) an ineffectual or timid person.” It’s particularly used as a term to denigrate men as feeble, timid and ineffectual. Sayings like “pussy whipped” are used to put down a man that is supposedly controlled by or submissive to his girlfriend or wife.
The correct term for all the female external genitalia is vulva but it doesn’t refer to any internal parts like vagina. Cunt is the only word we can use for the whole of the female genitalia.
Cunt is a strong, active and sexually potent word.
What words do you use to describe the female sex organs? Do you use passive slang words like “hole” or “gash” that talk about having something done to it or it being penetrated? Studies have shown many people think sex is something that is “done to women.” Sadly our sex education for children is so inadequate that many use porn as sex ed. This can lead to confused ideas about sex and assumptions that the woman is a passive recipient. Porn is a performance and a fantasy. We don’t teach our children the critical skills to deal with watching porn. Children don’t realise that what someone wants to watch isn’t necessarily what they want to do when it comes to porn and sex.
Over the past few centuries the cunt and its receptive qualities became one and the same with passivity. This is a sad correlation. Think of how the act of eating is receptive but there’s nothing passive about the mouth and eating. The cunt is the same.
Our cultural narrative have misrepresented female sexuality as passive and docile but in reality women have unlimited orgasmic capacity that can often far outweigh men’s orgasmic potential. Humans are a very hyper-sexual species compared to other animals that only mate when the female is fertile. The only other animals that mate all cycle long like us are are our closest relatives. Bonobo female primates have insatiable sexual desires who mate with many males and females. The female primates libidio and orgasmic capacity outmatches any male primate.
Far from being a passive sheath for a sword, vaginas are active self cleaning organs with strong muscles that can clutch around a finger, penis or dildo and undulate around it. During orgasms the cervix dips down and “swallows” sperm. Vaginal orgasmic contractions can push out the sperm from one man and suck in another. The ovum actively “stretches” out and envelopes hesitant sperm. When women are fertile and ovulating, research has shown that they are more confident, competitive, their libido is higher, they wear brighter coloured clothes and smell more attractive to potential mates.
My school sex education only taught me about a passive vagina waiting to have a penis thrust in and out of it to deposit sperm!
However strong cunt muscles can “milk,” “suck the penis” inside, push it out, pulse around it, clench around it and actively create heightened pleasure for their partner and increase the intensity of their own orgasms. The more we love our bodies, the less performance anxiety we can feel and the better sex, intimacy, connection and orgasms we can have.
As Germaine Greer said back in 1973, “Lady love your cunt!”
How exciting! Look what technology can do for us! Now you can stimulate yourself at the same time as filming and photographing deep within your vagina!
This amazing new invention is a combination between an endoscopy and a vibrator and can even sync to facetime! You can even hook it up to your phone or your laptop! To ensure you can orgasm happily away whilst writhing around it,; they’ve even made it waterproof! The end has a special light that will illuminate the inside of your vagina so you can watch your wonderful body and how it changes when you orgasm!
I think this is wonderful!! You could watch your cervix change throughout the month! It would be really helpful for women first learning natural fertility techniques, wanting to get in touch with their body and understand their hormonal cycle and for women wanting to conceive. The cervix is an incredible thing and it changes throughout our cycle. Watching as it transforms to your “power time” when we are ovulating and fertile can be fascinating and very empowering. Did you know you can tell what stage of your cycle you are up to by looking inside your vagina and looking at the opening to your cervix? If you want to learn more about managing your fertility naturally then please get in touch with me.
It would be such a fun way to get in touch with you body and become more aware of your responses. Imagine filming yourself as you have multiple orgasms and ejaculate all over the camera or even better, imagine your lover pleasuring you and filming it all. Imagine watching as your vagina enlarges, stretches and lengthens and then during orgasm it “dips down” to accept your lovers offering.
I’ve noticed some online responses from some women bordering on levels of digust. Why are we so afraid to look inside our beautiful tunnels of love? Our bodies are fascinating, beautiful and exquisite treasure troves of potential pleasure. There’s so much confusion out there because hardly any of us receive positive, informed and conscious sex education. Our sex education is usually just about not getting pregnant or getting any sexually transmitted diseases. I remember at school the female genitalia on the school diagrams was a simplistic line with no details whatsoever and there was no talk of female arousal, erect tissue, ejaculation, vaginal tenting, lubrication or how the vagina dipped down to “scoop up” sperm during orgasm. Us women are brought up with so many confusing sexual messages and sexual double standards. We can be insecure about what our luscious love parts look like and not even understand how they work. And is there any surprise!?
Observing our bodies with a camera could be an amazing way to learn and educate ourselves. The more we know about our own bodies and our own response, the greater our capacity for sexual pleasure. The more our partners understand our individual bodies and how they work, the higher the potential for sexual ecstacy and connection.
If the camera is a bit daunting, perhaps just start with a mirror between your legs. Time for some gentle self exploration. What do you see? How does your vuvla change from relaxed and non-aroused state to aroused and pumped full of blood. How does your clitoris look when it becomes erect? Does the hood pull back all the way or only slightly? Exploring your body, how it works and what turns you on is key to wonderful sex and love making.
Book a session with me if you’d like to talk about feeling more comfortable with your genitals and your sexual exploration. There’s no touching in our sessions but I will write down some activities for you to try at home on your own or with a partner!
According to the website they are sold out until the middle of March, so they’re obviously very popular with some women.
It was my birthday recently.. Anyone want to buy me a belated birthday gift? 😉
Happy New Year! Here’s my column that appeared in Ciao magazine…
Celebrate and respect that initial sexual attraction you both first felt when you met.
This is what first drew you together and should not be forgotten. It can be very destructive to a relationship if the times between sexual contact are too long. No matter how fast paced and busy our lives are or how familiar our partner might become to us; it is crucial we never stop seeing them as our lover first and foremost. I see so many clients who have put sex and intimacy on the back burner and this creates a myriad of problems.
Lots of good sex with our partner is beneficial for our health, our blood pressure, our hearts and the health of the relationship! This leads to my next resolution…
Prioritise sex and make time for it.
Schedule in sex dates. If you are too busy and don’t have time to have sex with your partner then it’s time to sit down and re-schedule! If you can start saying no to that party or function that is road blocking your desires and spend time with no one but your partner. Have a night in (or outside if that’s what you like!) with your skin pressing against theirs.
If you’re single, prioritise your self loving practice. Explore your body and new ways of pleasure! Think of your sexuality like a plant that needs watering and attention to grow, flower and thrive. It doesn’t grow on its own if you don’t nurture it. Working on your own sexuality will open you up to greater pleasure and creativity.
For singles looking for a partner or wanting to stop meeting the same types of people all the time; book in a session with me to discover how you are blocking your own happiness and changing the patterns that are keeping you back.
Resolve to “fight fair” for 2015.
Arguments will happen but try to stay calm, truly listen to your partner and notice the pain that is prompting their words. My clients have transformed their relationship by learning how to communicate, listen and resolve conflict in a relationship more effectively.
Masterful business communicators can crumble and struggle with communicating in an intimate relationship because the stakes are so much higher and the rules can be a lot less clear.
Resolve to stop doing these things with your partner that are not conducive to a healthy relationship; stonewall (silent treatment), storm out, hanging up, go to bed angry, slam doors or lash out with cruel and personal attacks.
Don’t be a “kitchen sink fighter” and throw in every past blunder your partner has ever made! This will inflame the situation and build resentment. Keep things relevant and specific and try to be assertive not passive, aggressive or passive aggressive.
Let’s embrace our sexuality and the many different ways we can have “sex.”
Sex is not just about actual intercourse but about any erotic activity that involves some sort of touch. Some could say touch isn’t even needed- (why look at tantra and breath orgasms) but it’s about being present and in your body!
Put down your mobile, get out of your head and connect with your lover! Explore different ways of giving and receiving pleasure that don’t focus on performance and goal orientations! And of course above all have fun! Joke, play and laugh. Sex with the right person is good for you!
On my Creative Sexpression facebook I just asked this question, “What makes great sex and what makes a great lover?”Check it out for some insightful and also quite amusing replies.
I believe one of the answers to these questions is; good sexual communication. If there’s something you really want but don’t know how to ask for it, either in life or in the bedroom, how can you enjoy true fulfillment?
Good sexual communication is a must for good sex, relationships and connection. A strong sexual self esteem, being truly sexually empowered and brimming with self confidence are essential for sexual communication. If someone feels so low they are always looking for validation in others, it will be difficult for them to communicate from a healthy place. If someone is truly sexually empowered they will not take rejection personally. Book a session with me today to embark on my sexual confidence program.
Good sexual education and knowledge are important. Sexual myths and expectation and stereotypes about men and women can make sexual communication a shady and confusing place. In school we are often only taught about sex education from a negative angle, without any focus on the positive aspects of sex and pleasure. We are taught about sex from a disease prevention and basic reproductive anatomy angle. No wonder it is so hard for us to be good sexual communicators when we were never taught these skills!
Learning how to communicate our wants, needs and desires and negotiate these accordingly are important skills in sexual communication we were never taught in school. Being a good listener and positive communicator are contribute to sexual communication with a partner.