Tag: orgasm

Overcome your orgasm block

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

           She struggles to orgasm

 

SHE STRUGGLES TO ORGASM BLOG

 

Were you punished for simply exploring your body as a child? It’s a common way that we learn to repress our sexuality and young girls seem to be punished a lot more for self exploration than little boys.

This repression can continue into adulthood. When women don’t know how to orgasm after growing up with this shame about their own bodies it’s important to awaken your own body on your own terms.

I’m going to say that again because it’s so important- awaken your body on your own terms! What would that look like to you? How could you do that?

A lot of young people are brought up with the abstinence only model which can lead to repression and confusion about desire and pleasure.

A lot of girls are accessing porn earlier and earlier and using it as their main form of sex education despite the fact it’s mainly focussed on male sexual needs, made for the the male viewer and documents the male sexual response cycle which is very different to the female sexual response cycle.  There can be a lot of frustration when women are trying to make their body respond in the same way a man’s body does.

Learn how to self pleasure yourself on your own.

Get a lamp and a mirror and rub oil on your genitals and give yourself a loving and sensual massage.

Learn how to orgasm yourself on your own first.

Learn the rhythm, pressure and patterns that feel good so that you can then show someone else what you like when you’re ready.

For women of menstruating age and not on hormonal contraception that blocks ovulation, notice the times of your cycle that your body is most responsive, most easily aroused and most lubricated.

Notice how your vulva, body responses and discharge changes throughout your cycle.

Learn to love your body and your genitals in new and radical ways.

Masturbation and sex are skills that need to be learnt like riding a bike.

Imagine you’re training for the Tour de France! Start putting all of that focus and concentration on traning yourself! Don’t let your pleasure go to the bottom of your ‘To Do’ list.

If you struggle to orgasm get to know what’s in between your thighs intimately and make it a priority to master the art of self pleasure and orgasm.

Understanding how all of your body works and responds is important to unlocking sexual pleasure. A lot of my work is starting off with sex education and eradicating so much of the myths that my clients have been brought up with surrounding their sex drive and their bodies.

A clinical sex therapist such as myself can help you if you’re struggling with orgasm and can set you specific homework techniques depending on your specific situation.

This is especially relevent if you’re struggling with past sexual trauma.

Get in touch with me today if you want to reclaim your sexuality, your pleasure and your body.

Catherine O Dowd

Sex therapist- Relationship Counsellor- Art Psychotherapist

www.creativesexpression.com

When he fakes orgasm.

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized


Men fake orgasm and their partners are often none the wiser. 

Clients have told me that when they use a condom they disguise whether they’ve orgasmed and their partner has no idea that they faked it.

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A penis that is always hard sounds brilliant in theory but in reality it can cause all sorts of problems.

Take John for instance..  John can reach orgasm when he masturbates. He gets turned on with his partner but it takes him much longer and longer to reach orgasm every time they’re together.

Sometimes it’s impossible for him to ejaculate during sex that he fakes orgasm to “get it over with.”

Now John is at the point that he can’t orgasm at all during sex but he lies to his partner about it. His partner says John is more detached and distant during sex and it’s impacting their relationship in negative ways.

Delayed Ejaculation (DE) is rapidly becoming more common amongst men.



While orgasm and ejaculation isn’t necessary to have great sex, I would diagnose DE when it becomes persistent and troublesome and is causing relationship stress.

Yes there are many pathways to pleasure and orgasm but the important point here is that DE can detrimentally affect a man’s emotional wellbeing, self esteem and relationships.

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What causes Delayed Ejaculation?



  • DE can be caused by the side effects of SSRI anti depressants or physical problems such as diabetes, prostrate or spinal injuries.
  • Psychological stresses such as relationship problems, financial worries, anxiety and over thinking or intimacy problems can cause DE.
  • Some men might be so worried about their performance, problems at work or so emotionally disconnected from their partner they can’t connect or relax enough to climax.
  • Cultural or religious reasons. Men brought up in a culture that shames sexual pleasure can internalise that guilt and shame. This can hold them back from letting go and completely surrendering to the emotional pleasure of partnered sex or lead to developing a very unusual masturbation style.
  • Sometimes a couples mismatched desire for pregnancy can bring about DE. If there’s conflict surrounding her desire for a baby and his refusal then his mind can hold him back from ejaculating.
  • Controlling and repressing emotions. Men who can’t mentally let go and be consumed by sensual pleasure can struggle with climaxing.
  • Frequent masturbation and/or an ‘Idiosyncratic masturbatory style.’ This is when men have ‘trained’ their body to only get off on a specific pressure and rhythm that only their hand can deliver that can’t be replicated during partnered sex. Some boys can develop this throughout puberty by rushing their masturbation before they get “caught” or masturbate in a specific overly firm way to porn movies.

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Treatment for Delayed Ejaculation



Once medical reasons have been factored out sex therapy and relationship counselling can treat DE.

I often see both partners in my therapy rooms or via skype and prescribe them “homework” exercises to be done in the comfort of their bedroom together in their own time.

Different approaches during sex can “shake things up” by changing the mental routine. 
 I might recommend a brief masturbation break and to stay away from porn for a while. I’m not saying never look at porn again but try abstaining from watching porn for a month and see what happens to your relationship and your sexual functioning.

We also work on improving the emotional intimacy in the relationship through exploring; how the DE partner is emotionally holding back, sexual shame, guilt or fears of intimacy.
Therapy can strengthen and further bond your relationship and lead to more more intimate connections and better sex life. It takes guts to come see me but it’s worth it.

Get in touch here today if you would like to transform your intimate relationship and your sexual functioning. All sessions are confidential and I am accepting and non judgmental.

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This was published as a column in Ciao Magazine. Art by Keith Haring, Peter Hujar,  Sarah Lucas, Manuel Esthaem, Caravaggio, Luke Hillestad..

The internal clitoris

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Internal Clitoris

The clitoris is the only human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure.

Most people think the clitoris is just a small “knob” at the top of the lips under the hood. This “glans” has 8,000 sensory nerve endings -that’s more than double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis and more than any other area on our body!

The clitoris interacts with over 15,000 nerve endings over the whole pelvic region. It’s made up of the same erectile tissue as the penis glans and engorges with blood upon arousal. However telling women that their clitoris is nothing more than a “bean” is like telling men their genitals are nothing more than the head of their penis. The glans is only the tip of the iceberg!

 

Internal Clitoris

In 1998 Australian Urologist, Helen O’Connell, showed us the worlds first clearest imaging of the internal clitoris. O’Connell was frustrated with the vast amount of medical information on male genitals and the scarce information on female genitalia functioning.

O’Connell discovered the clitoris glans is connected to an internal clitoris shaft, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. During clitoral erection, these 3 ½ inches long and 2 ½ inches wide structures engorge with blood and “embrace” the vagina. So you’re actually stimulating the internal clitoris when you are stimulating inside the vagina.

 

The Internal Clitoris

 

The internal clitoris also has two wishbone shaped crura which stretch toward the spine when erect. It’s much more complex than we imagined!
O’Connell says, “The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris. If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue.”


 

clitoris

It wasn’t until 2009 that researchers in France -Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès- completed the worlds first complete 3-D sonography of the aroused clitoris. It is very telling that they had to self fund their research.

Foldès performs reconstructive surgery on women who’ve suffered genital mutilation in an effort to restore their sexual sensitivity. Foldès was dumbfounded by how little research has been done about the clitoris and its functions, when he found thousands of extensive and well funded studies into the penis and surgical procedures.

“When I returned to France to treat genital mutilation, I was amazed that they were never tried. The medical literature tells us the truth about our contempt for women. For three centuries, there are thousands of references to penile surgery, nothing on the clitoris, except for some cancers or dermatology -and nothing to restore its sensitivity. The very existence of an organ of pleasure is denied, medically. Today, if you look at the anatomy books that all surgeons have, you will find two pages above. There is a real intellectual excision. “


I’m disappointed by the lack of attention given to the clitoris. Medical textbooks simplified the clitoris to a small nub and in the 1940’s it was erased from anatomy diagrams altogether! It is an injustice to deny this epicentre of female sexual pleasure.

New Year Sex and Relationship Resolutions

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Happy New Year! Here’s my column that appeared in Ciao magazine…

Celebrate and respect that initial sexual attraction you both first felt when you met.

This is what first drew you together and should not be forgotten. It can be very destructive to a relationship if the times between sexual contact are too long. No matter how fast paced and busy our lives are or how familiar our partner might become to us; it is crucial we never stop seeing them as our lover first and foremost. I see so many clients who have put sex and intimacy on the back burner and this creates a myriad of problems.

Lots of good sex with our partner is beneficial for our health, our blood pressure, our hearts and the health of the relationship! ­ This leads to my next resolution…

Prioritise sex and make time for it.

Schedule in sex dates. If you are too busy and don’t have time to have sex with your partner then it’s time to sit down and re-schedule! If you can start saying no to that party or function that is road blocking your desires and spend time with no one but your partner. Have a night in (or outside if that’s what you like!) with your skin pressing against theirs.

If you’re single, prioritise your self loving practice. Explore your body and new ways of pleasure! Think of your sexuality like a plant that needs watering and attention to grow, flower and thrive. It doesn’t grow on its own if you don’t nurture it. Working on your own sexuality will open you up to greater pleasure and creativity.

For singles looking for a partner or wanting to stop meeting the same types of people all the time; book in a session with me to discover how you are blocking your own happiness and changing the patterns that are keeping you back.

 

 

 

Resolve to “fight fair” for 2015.

9d8fd7accf094a12361a59f9b1cb8a8bArguments will happen but try to stay calm, truly listen to your partner and notice the pain that is prompting their words. My clients have transformed their relationship by learning how to communicate, listen and resolve conflict in a relationship more effectively.

Masterful business communicators can crumble and struggle with communicating in an intimate relationship because the stakes are so much higher and the rules can be a lot less clear.

Resolve to stop doing these things with your partner that are not conducive to a healthy relationship; stonewall (silent treatment), storm out, hanging up, go to bed angry, slam doors or lash out with cruel and personal attacks.

Don’t be a “kitchen sink fighter” and throw in every past blunder your partner has ever made! This will inflame the situation and build resentment. Keep things relevant and specific and try to be assertive not passive, aggressive or passive aggressive.

Book in a therapy session with me if you’d like to learn good relationship communication skills and transform how you relate with your lover.

Broaden your definition of sex for 2015.

Photo Manipulations by Alexandria ThompsonLet’s embrace our sexuality and the many different ways we can have “sex.”
Sex is not just about actual intercourse but about any erotic activity that involves some sort of touch. Some could say touch isn’t even needed- (why look at tantra and breath orgasms­) but it’s about being present and in your body!

Put down your mobile, get out of your head and connect with your lover! Explore different ways of giving and receiving pleasure that don’t focus on performance and goal orientations! And of course above all ­have fun! Joke, play and laugh. Sex with the right person is good for you!

 

 

Here’s to a lush and pleasure ­filled 2015!

Catherine O Dowd

Ecstatic orgasm, taking breaks, spirituality and psychology.

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

I’ve just made it through four long day of lectures, discussions and presentations and am feeling exhausted but inspired! I’ve been learning all about the spiritual aspects of the human experience within the framework of modern psychology. This all made perfect sense to me, as I’ve been harping on about the spiritual aspect of sex and sexuality for a long time!
I’m loving having a foot in both worlds; in the biomedical model of mental health and clinical sex therapy and also in the world of psychotherapy, holistic counselling with an integrated approach, transpersonal psychology and expressive arts therapies. This gives me such a richer insight into emotional well being; in particular how it relates to relationships, identity, sexuality, gender, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, depression, PTSD, trauma, transition, dreams etc.
This expanded perspective gives me a more ‘elaborate’ tool kit to help my clients heal past traumas and change their life. I’m so inspired to help my clients with all this new knowledge.

At the end of a long day of learning so much fascinating material my brain reaches saturation point so I’ve been going for walks along the beach or in the forest.

Here’s a snapshot from my mobile, wherainbown a rainbow appeared just as I was about to jump into the water.
What self nourishing things do you do for yourself when you are burnt out or exhausted or to give yourself a break? Do you do anything for yourself?

Sometimes we just keep pushing ourselves to go, go, go! Never having a break or ‘downtime’ actually hampers our productivity and wellbeing in the long run. How many people eat their lunch breaks at their computer while they work? Sometimes we feel guilty for taking a break or ‘doing nothing,’ and keep pushing ourselves. Living a fast-paced busy life without downtime can also work as a defense mechansim or distraction, sometimes we don’t want to ‘stop’ because there’s things we don’t want to have to think about or make time for. Staying busy can sometimes be a coping mechanism for past trauma because we never have to look within if we don’t make time.

If we are going through a transition, coping with a trauma or processing and intergrating lots of heavy and new knowledge, it’s great to give our mind some ‘time out.’
My ‘nature’ breaks at the end of every lecture helped me to reflect on everything I’d learnt, be in the moment, be present in my body and appreciate everyday beauty. From a more holistic approach, they help me feel “part of the whole.”  I get to leave our world of “pragmatic utilitarianism” and enter a different state of being.

These self nourishing “breaks” can help us get back in touch with ourselves. When you have a break, turn off your phone, don’t try to do three things at once and concentrate on your breathing. Practicing this mindfulness can help us be more connected in our sexual experiences. Have you ever felt like you can’t turn off your mind or your worries in a sexual encounter and that this is holding you back? It’s like a blockage in a pipe,  you try to turn on the tap on and only a drip comes out. Removing these blockages can bring about a flood of sexual energy and ecstacy. Learning to enter this “in the moment” space can lead to greater sexual heights and connection. Ecstatic orgasms can feel like you are one with the universe and floating up high, not in your physical body anymore.
Get in touch with me today if you’d like to learn about this in more detail.

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

― Albert Einstein

Get in touch today to book a session with me, I’d love to hear from you.

https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Kegel Exercises for women! The key to amazing orgasms!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Kegel Exercises are great for better sex and orgasmic response! A strong pelvic floor muscle enhances orgasm with oneself and with partners. Women can do these exercises at any time in the day, on the train, at work.. Nothing better to do on a long train ride! In the 1940’s Dr Kegel was gynecologist who helped women to overcome urinary incontinence through pelvic floor exercises instead of relying only on surgery. After a few months, some of his patients said they had orgasms for the first ever time.  Learning about these muscles and how to use them to your advantage can be very sexually empowering.


To find your pelvic floor muscles, stop urinating midstream. If you’ve stopped peeing, you’ve found the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. Alternatively, can also put your finger inside your vagina and squeeze your PC muscles. You know you’re using the right muscles if you can feel the muscles tightening around your finger.

Now it’s time to perfect your technique. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for three to five seconds, and then relax for three to five seconds. It should feel like ou’re pulling your muscles up!  Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. Breathing in when you tighten your muscles, and breathing out when you breathe out can help. Once you’ve mastered the beginner exercise then we can move onto more advanced techniques and breath orgasms! You can actually bring yourself to orgasm this way, no hands needed!
Using the PC muscle during sexual intercourse can give a more intense orgasm and be very pleasurable for your partner if they happen to have their penis, tongue or hand inside your vagina.
It doesn’t just feel good, it’s good for your general health too! A strong PC muscle helps with general genital health, bladder control, the bowels and overall health.
If you’d like to learn how to use your PC muscles, or you already can use them and want to learn more advanced techniques for better sex, more explosive orgasms or meditative sex or tantra exercises, get in touch today.. https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Wank, wanker the anchor,  groping the grotto, shaking hands with your John Thomas, shaking the sausage, walk through the valley of love, petting the kitty, feed the beaver, buff the python… There’s countless sland words to describe masturbation! How about we use the word self love or self sex!

Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices! Masturbation is universally part of human sexuality. There’s so much stigma attached to masturbation when it’s perfectly healthy and good for you…

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45% of women first masturbated between the ages of 10 and 14, according to a recent study.

Women who started masturbating in adolescence reach orgasm more often during sex (with others) and report less arousal difficulties.
20% of women masturbate at bedtime to help them get to sleep.

 

Masturbation is a great way to get to know how your body works. Some people say you should stop masturbating once you’re having regular sex or in a new relationship. I’d say you should masturbate even more, it keeps the libido on fire in between partnered sex session and reminds yourself that you can still have great orgasms on your own.
In fact, I’d even advise couples to masturbate in front of each other so that you can witness what techniques they use and learn what your partner likes. Everyone likes different things when it comes to pressure and speed, and what better way to learn than watching!
Improving your self-sex techniques improves sex with your partner! The life force is sex energy, and we can view masturbation as part of our own regime of self love.

 

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Perhaps you could attempt to redefine masturbation as regular sexual meditation with yourself. Try an hour long session with music, oil and candles. Try different breathing techniques and pelvis movements. You could experiment with orgasm control, stop just before you have an orgasm, or after orgasm breathe into it and have another and another. Masturbation is a perfect time to learn how to have multiple orgasms and full body orgasms and for women, learn how to ejaculate.

Learning how to have full body orgasms through masturbation shows us we can have as many orgasms as we like whether we have a partner or not. We can pleasure ourself forever if we are single for the rest of our days. It’s an unconditional self loving practice that will always be there for us regardless who “abandons” us or what relationship you might end..

If you’d like to learn more book a session with me in my Sydney rooms today. I also have skype sessions available for people outside of Sydney..
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

http://www.ciaomagazine.com.au/commonly-believed-sex-myths/

Check out my latest sex column for Ciao magazine.

Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!

MYTH: Women have a lower sex drive than men.

Several studies have shown that in heterosexual relationships, the partner least interested in sex can be equally a man or a woman.

A recent survey found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partner, with a third admitting they had lost their sex drive. Doctors talk about the rising numbers of men with low libido that they treat, citing stress, illness, money worries, diabetes and obesity as well as lowering levels of testosterone as causes. Large studies done in America show that in every decade there’s a decrease in testosterone levels by as much as 10 per cent.

History illuminates our changing sexual beliefs. In medieval times women were believed to have the bigger sex drive and be more lustful than men. Women’s ability to bleed monthly, give birth and have multiple orgasms were cited as proof of their animalistic sexual urges, which were seen to be more out of control than men’s. Women were thought to be more susceptible to material and fleshly experiences and more likely to be inhabited by evil spirits.

MYTH: Only men have nocturnal orgasms.

Not true! Nocturnal orgasms are a completely normal and common incident for men and women.

This myth may exist because our society talks about male sexuality as more uncontainable and unstoppable. Male orgasm occurs effortlessly but the female orgasm is portrayed as illusive and something that takes a lot of hard work.

Like female ejaculation, female nocturnal orgasms were discovered, recorded then forgotten about back in history. Our sex education curriculum often only references male orgasm (nocturnal or otherwise). I remember no mention of female orgasm at all at my school. Kinsey’s research found over 60 years ago that 37 per cent of women had night orgasms and recent research reveals that more women have nocturnal orgasms than we thought. Female orgasms while sleeping might be more common than recognised – studies have found some women underreported their nocturnal orgasms because of their own social and cultural beliefs.

MYTH: The goal of sex is to have an orgasm.

There is no ‘right’ time or way to have an orgasm.

Being in touch with your lover’s body and enjoying the sensations without focussing on the end result can be liberating. Once we abandon these goal-oriented ideas we can experience each moment with less pressure and performance anxiety. If an orgasm does not occur, sex can still be an enjoyable. Let’s all focus on the journey more than the destination!

Words: Cat O Dowd, sex therapist and relationships counsellor. For more info email cat@creativesexpression.com or visit www.creativesexpression.com.

Orgasms are good for you!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized
Are you feeling down? An orgasm could be the pick me up you need. Orgasm releases endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin. These three are the big three of mood enhancing hormones. Dopamine is the same hormone that your body releases if you use a drug like cocaine or eat a really delicious food.  Mmm and orgasms are much better for your health than drugs!
A recent survey of 1,800 women found that over 30% of them used sexual release as a natural sedative. Is that how you get to sleep when you’re having trouble relaxing?  This brings to mind a certain Seinfeld episode, if anyone can remember that one? No one could get to sleep when the characters were having a little competition amongst themselves!
Orgasms are a natural painkiller. Victorian Doctors were onto something when they said orgasms could soothe certain aches and pains-expecially migraines and menstrual cramps. Who needs panadol?
Apparently the contractions that women have during orgasm can actually evacuate blood clots during menstruation, which can give temporary relief.
Guess what? We actually do “glow” after sex. The hormone DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), can actually make your skin healthier and this hormone skyrockets during sexual activity.When Harry Met Sally
Orgasms are wonderful for stress relief. A lot of us live hectic and busy lives and don’t have much time for relaxation. Hormones during orgasm help us relax and cope with stress and they help our mind have a break. Being sexual helps you be in the moment and only think about one thing only. Often we are always thinking of many things at once.  For many people the only time they have an experience similar to meditation is when they have sex or masturbate.
Orgasms also nourish the brain with oxygen. MRI images show that our  brains use much more oxygen during orgasm than usual. So a bit of self loving is good for your brain!
Orgasms benefit your emotional health..  If you know how to pleasure yourself and take yourself to orgasm it may actually increase your emotional intelligence and sexual confidence. You make much better decisions in relationships when you understand how your body works and that it is capable of amazing pleasure on its own.  You don’t need to affirm our status as a sexual being by looking to someone else. You know that you are a sexual being on your own and you can have mind blowing orgasms on your own.
Need some help or advice? Never had an orgasm or have a partner that hasn’t had an orgasm? Get in touch with me today for a confidential session.

Orgasms are better for your brain than crosswords..

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Well, well, well. I love it when a study proves what I’ve always thought! Orgasms are incredibly good for your mind!!

In America, Barry Komisaruk and Nan Wise, (the aptly named “human pleasure researchers”) did a big call out for women who were willing to masturbate themselves to orgasm while lying in a MRI machine. Now I applaud the women who did this, because I would personally find that claustrophobic MRI machine slightly offputting for some good ‘ole self loving, or maybe the confined space  aided the experience? Anyway, I digress..

There was a reason for this self loving in a MRI machine though. The machine actually measured blood flow to different parts of the brain and the researchers wanted to see what happened at the point of orgasm.  We already knew that mental exercises like crosswords, increase brain activity but they only do this in fairly specific areas of the brain. This study found that orgasm activates the whole brain. Orgasm brings nutrients and oxygenation to the brain and increase blood flow to all parts of the brain.

Orgasms can also decrease stress, ease depression and increase your life expectancy. You don’t need a partner for orgasm, you can indulge in some healthy self-loving! It’s good for you! The aforementioned human pleasure researchers are  also starting new research on how orgasms can block pain. The perfect way to get rid of that headache!