Category: Uncategorized

When are values relationship deal breakers?

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Susan in Married at First Sight doesn’t know why she was matched with Sean. Susan likes to volunteer to save bears in Asia. Sean wears a belt buckle he won at the rodeo.

One key detail has been missing from the reality tv series about what tore them apart-Sean’s love of the rodeo-in particular calf roping. You can read more about the cruel practice in this article about the reality tv couple here.

“I don’t understand how someone could use animals for entertainment like that. I’m never going to accept that cowboy image.”

I have a lot of clients that spoke to me at length about this TV reality show during its airing and how the topics coming up were similar to things in their own life.

Despite my misgivings I could see how the program did bring up issues that were important to couples or dating singles -although I was concerned with how it was all handled.

I can see how the concept  fires up the imagination but the lack of ethics of the show and the strange references to “science” and decisions and actions of the “experts” were umm… certainly interesting and worrying to me as a relationship counsellor and clinical sex therapist.

Isn’t it interesting how things are edited to give a sanitised view of things in reality tv?

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Value Systems as Deal Breakers

Anyway let’s get right into the meat of the issue this article brings up. Susan has compassion for animals and fights to save them. Sean loves rodeos and “calf roping” and other areas where animals are used for entertainment. Hmm.

As Susan says, that was the deal breaker for her. Despite these reasons for her choosing to break up with him never being shown on the TV program, the clashing value systems were the reason she didn’t continue the relationship.

You can have many differing interests to your partner and that’s fine and healthy, however opposing value systems can be more challenging.  Value systems are the foundation to who we are, why we do what we do, our boundaries, how we react to things and who we choose to spend time with.

Value systems don’t have to be exactly the same in a couple but they do need to match up or at least slightly overlap somehow.

If someone is psuhing up against our values you can feel uncomfortable and pained.

Have you ever been with someone with completely opposing value systems? What happened?

Differing value systems are a big point of conflict for couples and good communication can see things through.

However if the value system is that jarringly different even the best communication skills can’t necessarily see it through.

I wrote about a couple where one of them was an animal rights activist vegan and the other was a hunter and a fisher for fun not food in a feature for Ciao earlier this year and their various struggles.

In sessions where I see couples that are struggling with very different value systems and all the strain that goes along with that they can feel stuck. To help them move forward I get them to fill out a common values assessment.

Values can include everything from wanting children or not, religious beliefs, how you see animals and how your diet relates to that, political beliefs, environmental beliefs, moral responsibilities, loyalty, commitment, education, family, caring about others, security, self direction, seeking pleasure, avoiding harm to others, personal success in life, understanding self and others, independence in thought and action, stability of self, belongingness in groups..

Value systems are important to look at and often couples can rush so quickly through the dating process and get so physically hooked on each other so early on they neglect to look at these things until much later.

If it’s not in the deal breaker arena couples can learn to live with differing values -I’ve had a couple where one was a hardcore atheist and the other was deeply spiritual. This caused conflict but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them and was more a matter of practically negotiating their different issues and respecting and accepting their differing views. On the days she went to her spiritual circle he went to hang out with his aetheist friends.

Exploring what their value systems meant to each of them and how that influenced their different behaviours and reactions shed a lot of light onto various everyday conflicts and resentments that were occuring.
I think a lot of reality tv can be appalling in its moral bankruptcy, more exploitative than a social experiment and manipulatively constructed but I’m glad this topic was brought to light.

What did you think?

What are your core values? If you’re single how important is it to be with someone who has the same core values as you?

If you’re in a relationship how similar are your core values and what problems do the differences cause? Please let me know in the comments below and don’t hesitate to book a session with me via skype or in person if you and your partner are stuck on issues relating to your vaules. 

Www.creativesexpression.com

How to deepen the connection in your relationship

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

I have so many clients that tell me about how their partner doesn’t touch them much. They speak about how they always sit far from them, on their phone or playing games and it’s like they’re a remote island.

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If you are in a relationship how much time do you spend in close physical contact?
Do you wish you had more touch or less touch?
I don’t necessarily mean just sexual contact but any touch whatsoever.
A lot of us are touch starved in our tech saturated world.
We all need touch! It’s how our brains are wired.

Studies of baby monkeys show that the desire to touch and be touched is stronger than the desire for food.

Research shows that human babies and children need touch and physical comfort and these needs don’t disappear when we grow up into adulthood.

We need touch to truly thrive; it is fundamental to our health, communication and bonding.

  In fact children and babies who don’t experience much touch growing up can be more violent, have weakened immune systems.
 and a host of other problems.

If you don’t spend much time hugging or touching there’s a chance that your hippocampus in your brain might be smaller- the smaller this organ is the harder it is for your brain to regulate your stress response.

So, hugging and touching your partner is good for you, your relationship and your brain!


 

Physical touch also helps reduce stress. 


I’m talking about everything from sex to giving a kissing, massage, holding hands, cuddling, hugging, stroking, tickling and lots more..

These examples are medicine for your body and your relationship. This kind of touch helps to preventatively maintain your health and healing ailments you may have according to the latest research.

Join my inner circle here if you’d like to learn how to deepen your connection with your lover through a daily touching ritual. You’ll notice the difference within a few days or a week.  Just fill out your name and email address in the pop up.

If Male Superheroes had their costumes designed like Female Superheros..

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

If male super heroes had their costumes designed like female superheroes, this is what the Batsuit would look like..

 

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While we are on the topic check out the comics below by Boston artist, Anna, a.k.a. Fernacular.  

Her drawings highlight what men’s superhero costumes would look like if they were designed in the same way as women’s superhero costumes.

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Anna’s goals were;
1) Make it so the first thing you think of when you look at them is sex, whether you want to or not.

2) Make it so that any male human who looks at this feels really uncomfortable.

3) Make it funny.

 

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And this hilarious meme below really highlights how impractical, skimpy, overly sexualised and reflective of the sexual double standard that female superhero costumes really are.

Male superheros wear costumes made of protective armour for when they’re fighting life and death battles. Female superheros are presented in skimpy clothing with skin exposed in battle as objects for the sexual gratification of male viewers.

I guess what these images all point out is how women are consistently represented in a sexualized way, while male characters aren’t nowhere near to the same degree.

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In the 1970’s Ms Marvel was created as a female version of Captain Marvel. She’s a fully fledged, decorated Air Captain who fights baddies in deep space and she was drawn with her tummy and legs exposed in a sexy outfit. Captain Marvel was covered up head to toe.
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“There’s a difference between a woman taking control of her own sexuality and choosing to wear something revealing, and a male-created character who is put in an outfit to titillate readers (also assumed to be male)…  Any practical warrior woman knows that it’s impossible to fight in a strapless corset that restricts your movement, while your breasts threaten to fall out at any moment.”

Eleanor Tremeer

 

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How to invigorate your relationship with role-playing..

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Imagine you’re being interviewed for a job as a personal assistant in a big office. Now pretend your lover is the boss. They close the door. They walk very close to you as they walk back to their chair. You feel giddy. You suddenly want to do anything to please them; whatever it takes.

They need you to work back very long hours under their strict eye. You must relinquish control and do everything they say. His or her eyes trail down your body. You will have to do a lot more than just filing… You feel your heart rate increase and your face flush with excitement.

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Sexy role play helps to liven up sex, heighten intimacy, increase confidence and drop our inhibitions.

Role-play goes straight to the biggest sexual organ in our body: our brain. Our mind needs to be both stimulated and silenced for great sex.

As a side note, this is why Viagra fails so many couples. Viagra only increases blood flow to the genitals, and sex is much more than engorged genitalia. A hubby demanding sex because he has an instant Viagra erection doesn’t solve any relationship problems. Viagra doesn’t stimulate our minds.

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Getting in the mood for great sex starts with connection, seduction, anticipation, wanting, flirting, teasing, communication, atmosphere, fun, foreplay, imagination and intimacy.

Role-play fantasy scenarios invigorate our imagination and lead to very creative lovemaking where we can play out another aspect of ourselves. Clothes can stay on. It starts with just words…

Once clothes eventually come off you can be so aroused that your body image worries fade away. Roleplaying can lead to a greater build up of sexual tension and desire and help you break out of the formulaic ‘you do this, then I do this’ kind of sex. Boring and uninspired sex can stagnate a relationship.

Try this role-play with your partner. Who wants to play boss and who wants to play secretary? Notice who gravitates to each role and don’t be afraid to swap. What is it about this fantasy or one of your own that appeals to you? Does the idea of being in control and being the boss or being the dutiful, willing and eager junior turn you on?

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You could set up a desk and dress in office clothes and re-enact it at home. Perhaps you could arrange to meet in a crowded cafe for the ‘interview’. You both have to stay in character the whole time. A public area means you can’t touch each other until you get home, thus increasing the sexual anticipation.

Don’t worry about whether your role-play is PC. It’s playtime for adults! As children we played pretend games and unfortunately we lose touch with that make believe world as we grow up. Don’t let that fertile land of imagination go!

Remember to stay consensual, be respectful and debrief afterwards. A couple that plays together stays together.

Some like it Rough

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

adult-bdsm-678x380How does the kinky brain work? Ciao’s resident sex therapist, Cat O Dowd, caught up with professional dominatrix Kalyss Mercury, who is studying the neuroscience of kink at the University of Oslo.

Mistress Kalyss Mercury is exploring how specific BDSM activities (like spanking or humiliation) benefits people, especially the psychological benefits. She also takes her academic work into the bedroom, working full time as a professional dominatrix.

Mercury is particularly fascinated by new research showing that kinksters are actually more emotionally stable than the average person. They are, “less sensitive to rejection, less neurotic and expressed higher scores for wellbeing. … kinksters tend to have completed higher levels of education and earn higher wages than the general population.”

Mercury maintains BDSM practices are not abusive – just like some people love rough sports, some people love rough sex.

Just like rugby, BDSM has many rules and agreements that have to be recognised before ‘entering the fray’. The main rule is consent.

“BDSM relationships can be complex and challenging and there are many rules for interaction. You can enjoy the ride while still enjoying the limits,” Mercury explains.

Kyliss Mercury’s current research explores the connection between pain, guilt and reward. Which I might just let her explain…

“For example, have you noticed how when we feel guilty, we tend to find ways to “punish” ourselves? The spin class after the guilt of eating that chocolate bar? Or feeling like you don’t deserve to party because you had a fight with your best friend,” she said.

“The classic example of self-flagellating monks is actually not far from reality. My research is based on a set of studies which found people willingly withstand pain for up to twice as long as they usually would when they are primed to feel guilty. On top of that, they showed guilt levels went down dramatically after the pain stimulation. So pain actually had a “remedial” effect.

“The main question I want to answer with my study is whether this type of healing effect is stronger for self-described masochists than for non-masochists. If my hypothesis is confirmed, that would mean masochism may not be such a paradox after all.”

Mercury believes that submission can be just as freeing, or more so, than having complete control in a sexual situation.

“In the dungeon, my clients can temporarily forget their burdens and become someone else,” Mercury explained, “someone who doesn’t need to decide, someone who can just surrender and let it all go. This is what I offer my clients: Freedom from choice, with a side of kink and fetish.”

Mercury told me that her favourite way of preparing clients is asking them to leave their worldly concerns behind.

“Today you are just a puppy dog. All you have to worry about is following Mistress’ orders!”

Mistress Kalyss Mercury is currently collating research on the views of kinksters and non-kinksters on BDSM. You can participate in her online questionnaire at: http://www.facebook.com/kinkyscience

Relationship mistakes according to a behavioral economist…

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

You’re dooming your relationship if you’re fantasising about outside options.

Relationships get better when you invest in them wholeheartedly. (And I’m not talking about the second you’ve met someone! I definitely suggest slowly does it! Get to know someone slowly… In this blog I’m talking about long term relationships.. )

“When we are in a relationship but continuously with one foot out and continuously thinking about how the outside world is more tempting and more interesting and so on, it’s actually not a good recipe for investing in a relationship. It’s not a zero-sum game–it gets better when you invest in it.”
Dan Ariely

I see this a lot. Couples where they are together. Sort of. Yet one or both of them has a foot outside of the relationship.  They think the grass is greener on the other side. The problems they are experiencing in their relationship that could be worked out in some of our sessions with dedication and work are used in their mind as an excuse to get out and find someone else where it will be “easier.” Then a year down the line the same problems come up again. With a different person. Because they never learnt how to overcome them and kept running from them.
Or perhaps they spend a lot of time on facebook or tindr looking at all the other options open to them when they’re with someone else.

Some people can be hooked on that first initial honeymoon phase of a relationship. You know the phase where your body and mind are buzzing with feel good hormones. This can be really addictive for some people especially people afraid of intimacy. They can just go from one person to the other in short lived relationships that never go longer than two years because as soon as they start seeing their partner warts and all they want out!

Watch the video and let me know what you think. Don’t beat yourself up if you think you might be doing this. Awareness is the first step to getting focussed and grateful for what you have now.

How a Video Game about tampons is destigmatising menstruation…

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

 “Something most women get for a majority of their lives is embarrassing, crude and shameful..”   What if there was no menstrual taboo in our society?

Two young women from New York met at a summer coding camp. They were 16 and 17 years of age. Sophie Houser and Andy Gonzalez wanted to imagine what that world would look like if there was no menstrual taboo.

They got together and created a video game called, Tampon Run. Instead of getting a gun and shooting bullets you get tampons and throw them at enemies who are threatening to take them off you.

These kick arse women learnt to code and speak about how intimidating it was to learn in such a male dominated industry. They found the the experience empowering and exciting. So they want to encourage girls how to code, make a better less sexist tech industry and destigmatise menstruation! BOOM!!

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Look how disconnected couples are when this photographer removes their phones from the photos!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Does your partner ignore you for their mobile phone? Does your relationship suffer because of their obsession with technology?

For anyone who’s been following my blog and articles since the very beginning (Bravo to you!) you might remember me writing about how people’s mobile phones is ruining their sex lives and relationships.

Photographer Eric Pickersgill has completed an interesting project called, “Removed.” It’s a photographic series that “explores the way personal devices play a role in society, relationships, and the body.”

Eric Pickersgill explains;

“The impulse was to look at human bodies next to one another and what was that posture and that language, of isolation, while physically touching someone else,” he said. “I was making observations about my life. I’m a photographer who has to make work because that’s how I identify, and that was the thing that was in front of me the most; I couldn’t get away from it, and the project came about from those life experiences.”

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I love this series because it really highlights how fragmented and disconnected couples can become with too much technology. Pickersgill explains;

“The joining of people to devices has been rapid and unalterable. The application of the personal device in daily life has made tasks take less time. Far away places and people feel closer than ever before. Despite the obvious benefits that these advances in technology have contributed to society, the social and physical implications are slowly revealing themselves. In similar ways that photography transformed the lived experience into the photographable, performable, and reproducible experience, personal devices are shifting behaviors while simultaneously blending into the landscape by taking form as being one with the body. This phantom limb is used as a way of signaling busyness and unapproachability to strangers while existing as an addictive force that promotes the splitting of attention between those who are physically with you and those who are not.”

I wholeheartedly support mindful socialising!

Part of my daily practice of mindfulness is to put my phone away in my bag when I go out and not getting it out. I see too many people out and about but not interacting with their friends or their environment because they’re just staring at their phone.

Mindfulness is about being in the present.

Try putting down your phone in public and noticing everything around you. The wind on your face. The feeling of your feet on the floor. The sounds. The vision. The smells. Leave your phone in your pocket and breathe.

Get in touch today if you’d like to wean yourself off your technology addiction, bring more mindfulness into your life and be closer to your partner.

How to have a great sex life when you have endometriosis

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Is endometriosis  hindering your sex life?

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Recently I spoke on Triple J’s ‘The Hook Up’ about sex with endometriosis. I have stage four endometriosis (the most severe kind) and I know firsthand how agonising, draining and life changing it can be. 
I was actually in the Triple J studio in severe pain from recovering from really major surgery but as I’m sure many women with endometriosis can relate to -you just push on through the pain and hope no one notices.

One brave woman called up when I was on air and shared how sex was so painful with her boyfriend but she just put up with the pain to make him happy. It was so heartbreaking hearing her story. It doesn’t have to be like this.

What is Endometriosis?

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Endometriosis is the silent epidemic that one in ten women suffer from yet there’s hardly any awareness out there in the community and not enough research funding into it compared to other diseases with similar numbers of people affected. It has no cure. There’s confusing treatments with awful side effects.
 
Sex can hurt for minutes, hours or days  afterwards. Many women suffer in silence or end up avoiding sex altogether because they find that easier than asking for what they want and negotiating.

For endometriosis sufferers or endo warriors as I prefer to call them–the endometrium -the lining that usually grows inside the uterus- also grows  on the outside of the internal organs and bleeds, shed and multiples in response to women’s fluctuating sex hormones every month.

The blood has nowhere to go so it causes scarring,  adhesions and can twist all the organs as they all fuse painfully  together encasing them in ways that they’re strangling each other. There’s a host of inflammatory and immune responses and problems at play here.

Endometriosis can cause terrible pain at menstruation, in the pre-menstrual stage, at ovulation and for some women can cause agonising internal pelvic pain and a host of other symptoms everyday of their cycle. Surgeons have found  endometriosis in every organ and anatomical structure in the body except for the spleen! This dam disease has been found in the cervix, diaphragm, vagina, lungs, nerves and even inside of cesarean or other surgical scars. In rare cases it can also  invade and grow in nasal cavaty, the liver, brain, heart, skin,  the kidneys, the eyes, pancreas and  bone.

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Endometriosis is  most commonly found in the pelvic/abdominal cavity in particular; peritoneum (lining of the pelvic area), rectouterine pouch (also called the Pouch of Douglas or or cul-de-sac), rectovaginal septum, rectovaginal septum, uterosacral ligaments, ovaries, fallopian tubes, all over the outside of the uterus, including underneath it and behind it, the appendix, bowel, bladder, and rectum.

These endometriotic growths are smart little buggers and act like like rogue agents. They can  reprogram genetic pathways which means they can keep travelling through the body and make their own  blood supply, hormones and nerves.

The Pain of Endometriosis

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Endometriosis causes fertility risks, multiple surgeries, a list of painful symptoms including chronic fatigue.

Endometriosis can cause lower back pain, leg, and hip pain especially if the endometriosis is growing on nerves. When my organs started to fuse together I started getting the most agonising pain down my left leg and could hardly walk. It’s not just pelvic pain!

Endometriosis can cause acid reflux and gastrointestinal disorders and serious organ failure. If endometriosis has been growing extensively on the bowels then it can cause a hole to form and leakage can come out of the bowel. Endometriosis can cause kidney failure and bladder problems.

Menstrual issues are a “taboo” topic and women are often told just to shut up and put up with the pain.  A diagnosis takes ten years on average because of this stigma especially with Doctors being more dismissive of women’s pain. Often a woman has to go to three to four Doctors on average before a possible diagnosis is made.

How to have a great sex life when you have endometriosis

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Put the focus on pleasure and sensation rather than “penetration” and orgasm.

I give my clients specific homework exercises to get this started. It’s contrary to everything our society teaches us about sex but can be life changing for endometriosis sufferers.

Experiment with different positions at different times in your cycle.
If you’ve had a laparoscopy you’ll know where the endometriosis is growing and can work with your body to try positions where the scarring won’t be bumped. Try avoiding deep penetration. Let your partner sit back and not move as you sit on top and take control or try positions where thrusts can only be shallow.

Get out of the idea of “in and out” and embrace different movements. Think  how bellydancers rotate their hips. Get your partner to lie still and squirm around them or just flex your muscles around them.

Go gently! 


GO SLOW! 
Never rush. The more turned on your body is, the more your vagina expands and lengthens. You might have to forget about quickies especially if your partner is especially large.

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Use lots of lube. NEVER use condoms without lube. EVER! If your partner is a bit inexperienced and tries to use a condom with lube then it’s really important you don’t just go along with it. Grab the lube or go buy your favourite! It doesn’t matter how excited and lubricated you are- use lots of lube!
Experiment with different brands until you find one you love. All of the above is if you’re even interested in a dildo or penis inside you. It might be too painful for you and you want to focus on other forms of intimacy. See the next point..

Start thinking outside of the penis (or toy/fist etc) in vagina model. Outercourse is the new intercourse! 

Throw everything out that you learnt about sex from school and pornographic films. Sex doesn’t have to end with penis in vagina and the male orgasm.



Don’t see foreplay as the “warm up” to “real” sex (ie “penetration”). See every intimate act as “sex.”

Try more;  long, passionate kisses, sensual massages, stroking, nibbling, exploring each others erogenous zones outside of the genitals, touching, fingering, mutual masturbation, oral sex, role play, cyber sex, sex via skype, have a warm bath together, tantra sex, role play, kinky consensual fun etc.

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WORSHIP THE CLITORIS! With 8,000 nerve endings at the tip of your clitoris you can have many orgasms with nothing even entering your body. Show your partner what you like. Experiment with different sex toys.

Stop using the word penetration or other violent words like jab/nail/poke/ram.. Try using words like- I’m going to envelope you, grip and milk you. Turn the idea of sex as passive for women on its head.

Stop using the word PERFORMANCE when talking about sex. It’s only relevant for the stage or sports. Sex isn’t an olympic sport.

This is just a brief overview, I go into a lot more detail in skype sessions and in person in my Sydney rooms.

Please get in touch with me if you have endometriosis and you want passionate sex with your partner or just want to bring back the passion into a life often filled with pain. It doesn’t have to be like this.

Art- Kyung Jeon, Belinda Otas, Louie Boutler, Geodarnna the artist, Eugenie Lee

Tips for low libido women- avoid bad sex advice, don’t fake orgasms and leave your porn sex ed at the door

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Ahhhh I’m getting sick of reading BAD SEX ADVICE for women!

I’m especially sick of reading and hearing BAD SEX ADVICE for women who want to bring back their sexual desire.

I’m so sick of it I throw up my hands in the air and make noises! And not sexy noises!

It seems the ruling consensus in BAD SEX ADVICE for women who want their sex drive back seems to be a long list of “how to pleasure your man.”

No! No! No! This will not work!  Sexual desire is complex and multi-faceted. Low libido in women will not be helped by focussing more on what the man wants. YOUR PLEASURE MATTERS!

We need to unlearn EVERYTHING we learnt about sex.

Sex is NOT something that women do just to pleasure men or about getting more okay with doing sexual things that men want and love. If your relationship starts out like that your sex drive aint gonna last the distance. If you want to have your mojo for the long haul in a long distance relationship you have got to start being REAL.  Take charge of your own pleasure.

I know that’s a very strong storyline in a LOT of porn out there but it is not true and we need to let go of this idea like –now!

I see a lot of clients where men (bisexual or heterosexual) have learnt everything about sex from porn. In particular, porn where women are faking their sexual pleasure and the scene centres around the man’s pleasure and orgasm.

This makes sense because good sex education in our culture is pretty thin on the ground! It’s normal for young people to be curious about sex and so they get their main education from porn. This is problematic in itself. The current basic education (–here’s how you put a condom on a banana and here’s how to unwrap a tampon-) does not prepare young people to navigate sex and relationships in our digital climate.

Current education is often delivered far too late. The average age of first exposure to porn is 12. Two-thirds of young people in the UK have watched online porn by the age of 15.  42% of porn scenes depict violence towards girls and women.

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Porn is pretty confusing sex education for girls and boys. Imagine if you’re a teenage male virgin who spends years and years watching porn without any dose of criticality -because you’re way too young for that and school didn’t teach you any of those skills—- and now imagine that boy as an adult about to have sex for the first time with a real life woman.

This porn education can lead to real life sex where the man is purely focussed on his own pleasure and at the same time has unconsciously eroticised women’s physical pain.

This bad porn sex education aka “conditioning” really stuffs with men’s radar to identify women enjoying AUTHENTIC sexual pleasure. And I’m not talking about BDSM at all here, I’m talking “standard issue” hetero porn.

And no, I’m not an anti-porn crusader by any means! I’m purely speaking about the problems of teenagers using only porn as their sex education.

If young men only learnt all about sex by watching women PRETEND to have sexual pleasure with someone they’re not necessarily attracted to, whilst performing in front of camera and a camera crew then how are they supposed to know when their sex partner is faking an orgasm? And a recent study found that 85% of men believed their female partner had an orgasm during their last sexual encounter but only 60% of women said that they did.

That’s a lot of women being dishonest out there and a lot of men not realising it. 

Jenna Jammeson spoke about having sex with men she found physically repulsive and having to fake desire on camera.

“Arnold Biltmore had a soft, pasty body; a porous, greasy complexion; and a kindergarten haircut, parted in the middle and combed to either side. Nothing about Arnold  turned me on.  And in ten minutes I was supposed to have sex with him.

When our scene started, he tried to kiss me. I turned my head away from the camera, so that no one could see me grimace…. As my head kept bumping into his stomach while I gave him head, all I could think was, ‘What the hell am I doing here? This is disgusting.’ ”

I had one wonderful young couple who came to see me for sex therapy and relationship counselling. Let’s call them Jack and Jill. Obviously not their real names. Jack told me they were here to see me for Jill’s low libido.

Jill had been faking orgasms for the entire three years of the relationship and Jack had no idea her orgasms weren’t real. Now Jill’s desire had almost completely disappeared because she was sick of faking and wasn’t enjoying sex. Jack was frustrated that the sex had ended and wondered why Jill had “become frigid overnight.”  Jill was sick of doing things she didn’t want to do but Jack wanted to do because “everyone does that.”  Well everyone in his favourite pornos might.

No amount of “how to pleasure your man in bed” ie BAD SEX ADVICE  tips would help this situation and I’m so glad they came and see me.

They needed a creative sexpression therapy and sex ed road map stat!

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Jill originally felt like sex had to be about what Jack liked hence her burn out.  Jack couldn’t tell Jill was faking because she was doing everything  actresses do in the porn he’d watched. It felt safer for Jill to cater to Jack’s pleasure than be vulnerable and say what she wanted and needed. Jill’s main priority and all her energy during sex were about making Jack feel like he “did” a great sexual performance on “her.” Jack had never seen a woman in a porn scene online say no to aggression, violence or crossing boundaries.

We’ve got all sorts of things at play that we worked through here;

  • the broader social and cultural implication about gender and sex (the man as the “sex boss” the woman as always sexually submissive)
  • the words used to describe sex (he nails her/she takes it/I’m going to bang you etc)
  • unlearning what they’d learnt about distorted messages from porn and re-learning about healthy and respectful sexual relationships, boundaries, limits, consent etc
  • their emotional barometer–brushing needs under the carpet
  • a new responsive to the other-understanding genuine response
  • whether they believed their needs were important or worth articulating
  • some overdue good and healthy sex education.
  • sexual communication and the confidence to say what you need! For example- the ability to own your pleasures and your desire. To say- THIS IS WHAT I LIKE! This is what I want.

Jack and Jill were only having sex in the missionary position with Jack’s body pressed down on top of hers. This made it very difficult for Jill to orgasm and that, alongside the other stuff that she didn’t enjoy at all- combined to explain her lack of interest in sex.

Some women don’t orgasm from vaginal sex alone and Jill needed to feel confident enough to explore and experiment with Jack- try new positions, get in control and enjoy genuine sexual pleasure.

Not faked, not a performance. Not just focussed on looking sexy all arranged on your back on the bed but REAL. RECKLESS ABANDON. WILD. SENSUAL. INTIMATE. SEXY AS FUCK!

So don’t fake orgasms. Please. Ever. Ever ever ever. Just stop now.

Being genuine, intimate and vulnerable with your partner is DAM SEXY!

I liked Jack and Jill. They came willing to do the work to change their relationship. They did all the homework exercises. Their enthusiasm as things started to change was infectious.
Jack stopped making Jill do things in bed she didn’t want to do and she learnt to communicate her sexual boundaries. Jill’s sex drive came back. Jack and Jill completely and utterly transformed their sex life. Jill no longer fakes orgasm with Jack and they no longer only have sex in the missionary position. Jill has taken charge of her own orgasms and has begun having orgasms in intimate explorations with Jack. She’s  finding her voice and not giving her expectations away to Jack.  Jack has been learning about real female desire and satisfaction.

They look like a completely different couple now. The energy has changed. They look like a couple that only just started dating a few months ago. The chemistry is off the charts.
BOOM! I love a happy ending. Well it’s more like a happy beginning for this young couple as they continue to work on their healthy sexual exploration together.

If our schools had a program intergrated into our sex education (and the Australian government is looking into this right now) or a framework for kids to decode, contextualise and analyse porn then kids would have a way of testing these values against real life relationships and sex and not accept this as “real sex.”

Kids would also learn to critically evaluate the violence towards women shown in so much mainstream porn and dicuss consent and boundaries.  How much better would this make our daily life!

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Back to the topic of  talking about giving yourself away to someone else needs for a moment…  Porn star Jenna Jammeson in her book, “How to Make Love Like A Porn Star” speaks about how she was giving herself away to the needs and expectations of the men in her life.

“Joy had booked interviews and photo ops for me every ten minutes. And I was excited to do all that work. I was willing to do anything to be someone who everyone loved. Looking back on it, it was just a new type of insecurity replacing the old one, and I was giving myself away to the needs and expectations of the public instead of the needs and expectations of the men in my life. It was just a new form of dependence developing. And it was equally detrimental to any sort of emotional stability.”

It’s not sexually empowered to only ever have sex in the way your male partner wants and put all of your energy into pleasing them at the expense of your own pleasure. Sure this might be fun to do some of the time of course but by no means should this be the default mode.

I’d like to close with a worrying excerpt from a book that thousands of women have bought and read. More bad sex advice for women. Please book a session with me if you want to bring your mojo back. Don’t read the below book! No!

Joan Sewell writes about a book she read called “Date Like a Man” by “dating coach” Myreah Moore.

“In it (Date Like a Man) there’s a section with the bold title “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” But very curiously, the majority of the chapter deals with what men want sexually, not women. Here are some of the headings: 
Men Like Blow Jobs 
Get to Know Mr. Happy 
Kiss It, Lick It, Squeeze It, Tease It 
Deep Throating 
Men Like Women Who Swallow 
Men Like Pornography 
Men Like Lingerie
Men Like to Talk Dirty
 Men Like Women Who Bring on the Noise 
Men Like Women Who Are Flexible 
Men Like Lesbians”
 
“I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido” – Joan Sewell

Book in with me to bring your mojo back and learn a new sexual and relationship repertoire

You can bring sexy back and recharge your relationship. Start now.