Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices!

Wank, wanker the anchor,  groping the grotto, shaking hands with your John Thomas, shaking the sausage, walk through the valley of love, petting the kitty, feed the beaver, buff the python… There’s countless sland words to describe masturbation! How about we use the word self love or self sex!

Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices! Masturbation is universally part of human sexuality. There’s so much stigma attached to masturbation when it’s perfectly healthy and good for you…

45% of women first masturbated between the ages of 10 and 14, according to a recent study.

Women who started masturbating in adolescence reach orgasm more often during sex (with others) and report less arousal difficulties.
20% of women masturbate at bedtime to help them get to sleep.


Masturbation is a great way to get to know how your body works. Some people say you should stop masturbating once you’re having regular sex or in a new relationship. I’d say you should masturbate even more, it keeps the libido on fire in between partnered sex session and reminds yourself that you can still have great orgasms on your own.
In fact, I’d even advise couples to masturbate in front of each other so that you can witness what techniques they use and learn what your partner likes. Everyone likes different things when it comes to pressure and speed, and what better way to learn than watching!
Improving your self-sex techniques improves sex with your partner! The life force is sex energy, and we can view masturbation as part of our own regime of self love.



Perhaps you could attempt to redefine masturbation as regular sexual meditation with yourself. Try an hour long session with music, oil and candles. Try different breathing techniques and pelvis movements. You could experiment with orgasm control, stop just before you have an orgasm, or after orgasm breathe into it and have another and another. Masturbation is a perfect time to learn how to have multiple orgasms and full body orgasms and for women, learn how to ejaculate.

Learning how to have full body orgasms through masturbation shows us we can have as many orgasms as we like whether we have a partner or not. We can pleasure ourself forever if we are single for the rest of our days. It’s an unconditional self loving practice that will always be there for us regardless who “abandons” us or what relationship you might end..

If you’d like to learn more book a session with me in my Sydney rooms today. I also have skype sessions available for people outside of Sydney..

Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!

Check out my latest sex column for Ciao magazine.

Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!

MYTH: Women have a lower sex drive than men.

Several studies have shown that in heterosexual relationships, the partner least interested in sex can be equally a man or a woman.

A recent survey found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partner, with a third admitting they had lost their sex drive. Doctors talk about the rising numbers of men with low libido that they treat, citing stress, illness, money worries, diabetes and obesity as well as lowering levels of testosterone as causes. Large studies done in America show that in every decade there’s a decrease in testosterone levels by as much as 10 per cent.

History illuminates our changing sexual beliefs. In medieval times women were believed to have the bigger sex drive and be more lustful than men. Women’s ability to bleed monthly, give birth and have multiple orgasms were cited as proof of their animalistic sexual urges, which were seen to be more out of control than men’s. Women were thought to be more susceptible to material and fleshly experiences and more likely to be inhabited by evil spirits.

MYTH: Only men have nocturnal orgasms.

Not true! Nocturnal orgasms are a completely normal and common incident for men and women.

This myth may exist because our society talks about male sexuality as more uncontainable and unstoppable. Male orgasm occurs effortlessly but the female orgasm is portrayed as illusive and something that takes a lot of hard work.

Like female ejaculation, female nocturnal orgasms were discovered, recorded then forgotten about back in history. Our sex education curriculum often only references male orgasm (nocturnal or otherwise). I remember no mention of female orgasm at all at my school. Kinsey’s research found over 60 years ago that 37 per cent of women had night orgasms and recent research reveals that more women have nocturnal orgasms than we thought. Female orgasms while sleeping might be more common than recognised – studies have found some women underreported their nocturnal orgasms because of their own social and cultural beliefs.

MYTH: The goal of sex is to have an orgasm.

There is no ‘right’ time or way to have an orgasm.

Being in touch with your lover’s body and enjoying the sensations without focussing on the end result can be liberating. Once we abandon these goal-oriented ideas we can experience each moment with less pressure and performance anxiety. If an orgasm does not occur, sex can still be an enjoyable. Let’s all focus on the journey more than the destination!

Words: Cat O Dowd, sex therapist and relationships counsellor. For more info email or visit

Why Sex Therapy can help more than popping a pill.

The pharmaceutical industry does promise it has all the answers for male sexuality! It puts a lot of pressure on men to perform to a certain, normalised standard in bed that focuses mainly on the genitals and the genitals alone. It makes men feel anxious and bad about themselves if they don’t live up to these standards. Just pop a little blue pill and everything is fixed! Or is it?

In the ads for Viagra you see happy couples dancing and having fun. The drug promises emotional fulfillment and connection and a happy relationship, but when you think about it- all it does is increase the blood to the penis! Can improving blood flow do all that? Really?

I mean, we still don’t properly understand the connection between psychological processes and physiological response. So, doesn’t it make sense that we should expect challenges in predicting when pharmacological effects on sexual response will be helpful?

I could rant on all day about how I’m not happy with how the medicalization of sexuality dictates a clinical and biological mindset onto sexual functioning while ignoring other factors-but I’ll spare you too much ranting today!

These miracle ads set up high expectations for couples-it’s a wonder drug, a quick fix followed by devastating disappointments if this magic blue pill doesn’t deliver it all. These high expectations can create an even more devastating blow to a man’s sense of masculinity and individual failure, and bring about more stress to the relationship, if the drug does not bring about erectile changes.   The long term physical side effects are questionable and still not known and some users of Viagra speak with concern of the headaches the drug brought about or worries about the cardio side effects.

Sometimes couples are even more unhappy after trying Viagra because popping a little pill didn’t help bring about greater intimacy, connection, communication and sensuality to their relationship and the disappointment can be crushing. As a trained sex therapist, I can help you work on intimacy, communication, touch and sensuality and so much more. I can look at your entire relationship and work with you to improve it on your own terms, not by a pharmaceutical company! I can help you explore your sexuality together in different ways, not just the “rumpy-pumpy penis goes in and out way,’ because there’s so many other options to explore.

Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that Viagara can’t help some individuals, I’m just saddened when couples are sold it as the miracle worker for their relationship.