Yesterday I attended a kinky charity brunch, where I’d donated a prize for the raffle. Hundreds of dollars were raised for WIRES! Well done Mistress Anna for organising it all!
Great to see a group of dommes and subs who meet socially can raise so much money for a fantastic charity!
Category: Uncategorized
Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!
http://www.ciaomagazine.com.au/commonly-believed-sex-myths/
Check out my latest sex column for Ciao magazine.
Blokes are perpetually up for it, women never have wet dreams and sex always has to climax with orgasms all round. It’s all filthy lies!
MYTH: Women have a lower sex drive than men.
Several studies have shown that in heterosexual relationships, the partner least interested in sex can be equally a man or a woman.
A recent survey found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partner, with a third admitting they had lost their sex drive. Doctors talk about the rising numbers of men with low libido that they treat, citing stress, illness, money worries, diabetes and obesity as well as lowering levels of testosterone as causes. Large studies done in America show that in every decade there’s a decrease in testosterone levels by as much as 10 per cent.
History illuminates our changing sexual beliefs. In medieval times women were believed to have the bigger sex drive and be more lustful than men. Women’s ability to bleed monthly, give birth and have multiple orgasms were cited as proof of their animalistic sexual urges, which were seen to be more out of control than men’s. Women were thought to be more susceptible to material and fleshly experiences and more likely to be inhabited by evil spirits.
MYTH: Only men have nocturnal orgasms.
Not true! Nocturnal orgasms are a completely normal and common incident for men and women.
This myth may exist because our society talks about male sexuality as more uncontainable and unstoppable. Male orgasm occurs effortlessly but the female orgasm is portrayed as illusive and something that takes a lot of hard work.
Like female ejaculation, female nocturnal orgasms were discovered, recorded then forgotten about back in history. Our sex education curriculum often only references male orgasm (nocturnal or otherwise). I remember no mention of female orgasm at all at my school. Kinsey’s research found over 60 years ago that 37 per cent of women had night orgasms and recent research reveals that more women have nocturnal orgasms than we thought. Female orgasms while sleeping might be more common than recognised – studies have found some women underreported their nocturnal orgasms because of their own social and cultural beliefs.
MYTH: The goal of sex is to have an orgasm.
There is no ‘right’ time or way to have an orgasm.
Being in touch with your lover’s body and enjoying the sensations without focussing on the end result can be liberating. Once we abandon these goal-oriented ideas we can experience each moment with less pressure and performance anxiety. If an orgasm does not occur, sex can still be an enjoyable. Let’s all focus on the journey more than the destination!
Words: Cat O Dowd, sex therapist and relationships counsellor. For more info email cat@creativesexpression.com or visit www.creativesexpression.com.
Today is the International Day to End Violence against Sex Workers
The International Day to End Violence against Sex Workers was created to call attention to crimes committed against sex workers all over the globe. Originally conceptualized by Annie Sprinkle and initiated by the Sex Workers Outreach Project USA as a memorial and vigil for the victims of the Green River Killer in Seattle Washington, the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers has empowered workers from cities around the world to come together and organize against discrimination and remember victims of violence.
During the week of December 17th, sex worker rights organizations and their allies stage actions and vigils to raise awareness about violence that is commonly committed against sex workers. The assault, battery, rape and murder of sex workers must end. Existing laws prevent sex workers from reporting violence. The stigma and discrimination that is perpetuated by the prohibitionist laws has made violence against us acceptable. Please join with sex workers around the world and stand against criminalization and violence committed against our communities.
Green River Killer, Gary Ridgeway said, he picked prostitutes as victims because they were easy to pick up without being noticed. “I knew they would not be reported missing right away and might never be reported missing. I thought I could kill as many of them as I wanted without getting caught.” He confessed to having murdered ninety women. Sadly some Seattle prostitutes, their boyfriends or pimps, knew the Green River Killer was Gary Ridgeway for years, but were afraid to come forward for fear of getting arrested, or the police didn’t believe those that did come forward, or the police didn’t seem to care. Ridgeway’s killing spree went on for over twenty years.
Violent crimes against sex workers go underreported, unaddressed and unpunished. There really are people who don’t care when prostitutes are victims of hate crimes, beaten, raped, and murdered. No matter what you think about sex workers and the politics surrounding them, sex workers are a part of our neighborhoods, communities and families.
When Ridgeway was finally caught, I felt a need to memorialize my whore sisters that had died so horribly and needlessly. I cared, and I knew other people cared too. So I got together with Robyn Few, Founder of the Sex Worker Outreach Project, and SWOP members Stacey Swimme and Michael Fowley, and we claimed Dec. 17th as the International Day to End violence Against Sex Workers. We invited people to do memorials, vigils, and their chosen kind of events in their countries and cities. We produced a vigil at San Francisco’s City Hall. To date hundreds of people around the world have done dozens of memorials, actions, and events of all kinds, and the participation is growing. Won’t you join us? Here’s how.
TEN WAYS TO PARTICIPATE IN INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS
(EVERYONE IS INVITED)
- Organize a vigil/memorial/gathering in your town. Simply choose a place and time. Invite people to bring their stories, writings, thoughts, related news items, poems, lists of victims, performances, and memories. Take turns sharing.
- Organize or attend a candlelight vigil in a public place.
- Do something at home alone which has personal meaning, such as a memorial bath, or light a candle.
- Call a friend and discuss the topic.
- Send a donation to a group that helps sex workers stay safer. Some teach self-defense or host web sites that caution workers about bad Johns. Donate to Sex Worker Outreach Project.
- Read the Sex Workers Outreach Project’s web site, www.swop-usa.org, Do let others know about any planned Dec. 17 events by listing them on the site. (Although sadly this site is not current and I’m not sure if someone is following through on this.) There is also a wikipedia entry about Dec. 17 which you can read.
- Spread the word about the Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers and the issues it raises; blog, email, send a press release, forward this text to others.
- Attend a Dec. 17th Day to End Violence event/action/memorial. Everyone is welcome.
- Organize a panel discussion about violence towards sex workers. Procure a community space and invite speakers like sex workers, police, and families of victims.
- Create your own way to participate. People have done celebrations, Xmas caroling, protests at jails, lobbying at City Halls, naked women reading whore writings, performance art, visual art projects, and other creative, fun and moving things.
Each year when I attend a gathering on Dec. 17 for International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers it is always a deeply moving experience. I take some moments to feel grateful that I worked as a prostitute for twenty years and came out alive and well. I remember those who didn’t survive and I fear for those who won’t until some real changes are made.
In San Francisco we are in the process of organizing a whole events for Dec. 17. A city hall press conference, a memorial ritual at Center for Sex and Culture, and “Naked Women Reading” sex worker writings (Lady Monster’s Event).
Start organizing now! You’ll be glad you did. The fact that sex workers themselves organize the Dec. 17 day creates good press interest (it has been in many papers including NY Times) and helps garner compassion and understanding of how the bad, unfair laws against prostitution hurt so many. But then sex workers of all kinds (legal sex work) can be targets of acts of violence as well.
In whore pride solidarity,
Annie M. Sprinkle
This information has been taken from http://www.december17.org/
Here in Australia
In Australia we hav
e a similar situation. Although NSW is one of the few places in the world that sex work is decriminalised and there has never been a documented case of HIV transmission from sex worker to client and sex workers have lower rates of STI’s than women in the general community, they are still stigmatised in the media and experience assault and murder.
Recently in Melbourne a woman was brutally murdered. Her name was Tracey Connelly. Aged forty, Tracey was found dead in a van she was living in with her partner Mr Melissovas on Sunday July 21. She was a sex worker. Connelly’s brutal death was given a lot less press than the recent murder of Jill Meagher and it disappeared quickly from the headlines. Connelly seemed to get less sympathy from the press, as if her occupation meant she was less of an ‘innocent victim.’ The Age and the Herald Sun named her as a ‘St Kilda Prostitute’ in their headlines about the case. Referring to these victims of violence as “prostitutes” helps hold up a good girl/bad girl binary and the idea that those are the risks to her job and that she is somewhat deserving of them. It also props up ideas about violence towards women as ok and legitimate and predictable in certain circumstan
ces. Calling her a ‘prostitute’ in the headlines, reduced her personhood and dehumanised her. I found the coverage pretty disappointing. There’s an interesting piece from the Kings Tribune that goes into more detail here.
Tracey’s partner of 19 years read this statement,
“First and foremost, Tracey was a human being and regardless of what she had done for a job she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, just like anyone else. Tracey is a beautiful and kind, caring, loving person who deserves justice and not to be forgotten or disrespected by anybody. My love for Tracey is unrelenting and so am I when it comes to catching and finding this person responsible for this disgusting and cruel way she has been treated. Tracey is a loved member of our community, with a partner, family and friends who love her. We have all been robbed by her senseless murder. Tracey and I both had dreams and plans for the future. I, along with Tracy’s family, are begging and pleading for any information that will give Tracey justice. Our lives will never be the same without her.”
Jill Meagher’s partner Tom Meagher was outraged when he discovered that his wife’s killer had previously assaulted sex workers and been given very lax sentencing for it. Before killing Jill Meagher, Bayley raped five sex workers and served 8 years in jail. When he was 19, he raped two teenagers in separate attacks. You can read more about his criminal past, how he was on parole for previous rape convictions when he murdered Jill and how he said the police should never have let him out here and here. He had been raping, abducting and threatening to kill women for 20 years. Tom Meagher said the way our system treats those who attack sex workers tells offenders “not don’t rape but be careful who you rape.” The system failed Jill Meagher. Bayley had breached his parole before he met Jill on the street that night, but had not been put back in gaol.
If you’d like to read more about studies conducted in Australia have a look here. This report talks about sex workers vulnerabilities to violence and assault, strategies that workers often come up with to try to protect themselves and their lack of sympathy or help from police.
Using poetry and writing in therapy
“Poetry Therapy” can help us to view things in different ways and gain more insight into our situations. “Poetry therapy” can refer to bibliotherapy (which is all about the use of literature) or journal therapy (which is when I will ask you to do life-based reflective writing in your journal). It can also encompass storytelling and film and photography.
I’ve posted a poem by Walt Whitman for your reading pleasure. Let me know how it makes you feel once you have read it. Perhaps read it a second time to let the words really seep in.
Unfolded Out Of The Folds
UNFOLDED out of the folds of the woman, man comes unfolded, and is
always to come unfolded;
Unfolded only out of the superbest woman of the earth, is to come the
superbest man of the earth;
Unfolded out of the friendliest woman, is to come the friendliest
man;
Unfolded only out of the perfect body of a woman, can a man be form’d
of perfect body;
Unfolded only out of the inimitable poem of the woman, can come the
poems of man–(only thence have my poems come;)
Unfolded out of the strong and arrogant woman I love, only thence can
appear the strong and arrogant man I love;
Unfolded by brawny embraces from the well-muscled woman I love, only
thence come the brawny embraces of the man;
Unfolded out of the folds of the woman’s brain, come all the folds of
the man’s brain, duly obedient;
Unfolded out of the justice of the woman, all justice is unfolded;
Unfolded out of the sympathy of the woman is all sympathy: 10
A man is a great thing upon the earth, and through eternity–but
every jot of the greatness of man is unfolded out of woman,
First the man is shaped in the woman, he can then be shaped in
himself.
always to come unfolded;
Unfolded only out of the superbest woman of the earth, is to come the
superbest man of the earth;
Unfolded out of the friendliest woman, is to come the friendliest
man;
Unfolded only out of the perfect body of a woman, can a man be form’d
of perfect body;
Unfolded only out of the inimitable poem of the woman, can come the
poems of man–(only thence have my poems come;)
Unfolded out of the strong and arrogant woman I love, only thence can
appear the strong and arrogant man I love;
Unfolded by brawny embraces from the well-muscled woman I love, only
thence come the brawny embraces of the man;
Unfolded out of the folds of the woman’s brain, come all the folds of
the man’s brain, duly obedient;
Unfolded out of the justice of the woman, all justice is unfolded;
Unfolded out of the sympathy of the woman is all sympathy: 10
A man is a great thing upon the earth, and through eternity–but
every jot of the greatness of man is unfolded out of woman,
First the man is shaped in the woman, he can then be shaped in
himself.
Walt Whitman
Having the courage to keep your heart open
We are powerful beyond measure, and so deeply vulnerable at the same time. This may seem like a dichotomy, but it isn’t. We have misunderstood real power. It has been something assertive, non-surrendering, pushing on through. This is not real power. This is simply willfulness. Real power is something else- receptivity, openness, the courage to keep your heart open on the darkest of days, the strength to feel it all even when the odds are stacked against you. Real power is showing up with your heart on your sleeve and absolutely refusing to waste one moment of your life hidden behind edginess and armor. -Jeff Brown
This quote really spoke to me because I speak to so many people who are jaded and bitter about love. I see so much heartbreak and a “closing in” of emotions. I see people going through the motions with sex and dating, or even pulling back and not dating anyone, because they don’t want to feel and they don’t want to hurt. I’ve experienced this in my own life, so I can truly understand. I can understand the pain of heartbreak and not wanting to open yourself up to someone like that again, just to feel the pain of disappointment or betrayal again, but we can’t stay in this stagnant No Mans Land forever. We have to move forward and embrace growth and change.
A lot of us have very strong defenses up to keep this pain away. We can be too busy all the time, as a way of making sure someone can’t sneak through the cracks of our emotional fort. We can have “fuck buddies” and move on as soon as emotions start getting involved, we can serial date, or have serial relationships or we can close down emotionally. We can have sexual relations with others but be so closed down that our emotions are turned off and we don’t experience sex and intimacy to its fullest potential.
Get in touch today if you would like to break down those walls, open your heart, own your own power and experience love and intimacy without the armour and walls. Let’s embrace our power and our vulnerability.
Orgasms are good for you!
Are you feeling down? An orgasm could be the pick me up you need. Orgasm releases endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin. These three are the big three of mood enhancing hormones. Dopamine is the same hormone that your body releases if you use a drug like cocaine or eat a really delicious food. Mmm and orgasms are much better for your health than drugs!A recent survey of 1,800 women found that over 30% of them used sexual release as a natural sedative. Is that how you get to sleep when you’re having trouble relaxing? This brings to mind a certain Seinfeld episode, if anyone can remember that one? No one could get to sleep when the characters were having a little competition amongst themselves!
Orgasms are a natural painkiller. Victorian Doctors were onto something when they said orgasms could soothe certain aches and pains-expecially migraines and menstrual cramps. Who needs panadol?
Apparently the contractions that women have during orgasm can actually evacuate blood clots during menstruation, which can give temporary relief.
Apparently the contractions that women have during orgasm can actually evacuate blood clots during menstruation, which can give temporary relief.
Guess what? We actually do “glow” after sex. The hormone DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), can actually make your skin healthier and this hormone skyrockets during sexual activity.
Orgasms are wonderful for stress relief. A lot of us live hectic and busy lives and don’t have much time for relaxation. Hormones during orgasm help us relax and cope with stress and they help our mind have a break. Being sexual helps you be in the moment and only think about one thing only. Often we are always thinking of many things at once. For many people the only time they have an experience similar to meditation is when they have sex or masturbate.
Orgasms also nourish the brain with oxygen. MRI images show that our brains use much more oxygen during orgasm than usual. So a bit of self loving is good for your brain!
Orgasms benefit your emotional health.. If you know how to pleasure yourself and take yourself
to orgasm it may actually increase your emotional intelligence and sexual confidence. You make much better decisions in relationships when you understand how your body works and that it is capable of amazing pleasure on its own. You don’t need to affirm our status as a sexual being by looking to someone else. You know that you are a sexual being on your own and you can have mind blowing orgasms on your own.
to orgasm it may actually increase your emotional intelligence and sexual confidence. You make much better decisions in relationships when you understand how your body works and that it is capable of amazing pleasure on its own. You don’t need to affirm our status as a sexual being by looking to someone else. You know that you are a sexual being on your own and you can have mind blowing orgasms on your own.Need some help or advice? Never had an orgasm or have a partner that hasn’t had an orgasm? Get in touch with me today for a confidential session.
Springtime in Sydney! Spring brings hope and new beginnings.
I’m pretty excited that Spring has arrived in Sydney!
As I write this my window
is open, and I can smell the heady, intoxicating scent from the jasmine flowering outside. The sun is shining and summer is on it’s way! I can hear lots of baby birds tweeting and I feel more energetic and positive! I’ve illustrated this blog with some images I’ve taken on my mobile of Nature in all her Springtime splendour around my North Shore art studio and counselling space. I’ve also added some photos of the beautiful wildflowers that are blossuming in the native bush around Sydney right now.
This is a great time of year to Review, Refresh and Renew. Spring is a great time for new beginnings! How can you Review your space and your life and refresh and renew? 
Spring is inextricably linked in our body and mind with HOPE. As the days get longer and there is more daylight our bodies produce more serotonin. People who have hope in their lives are much more likely to make proactive changes to benefit themselves than people with no hope.
Spring brings about healing; like the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder as well as more Vitamin D being produced in our bodies. In a recent study it was found that HIV+ individuals who were more hopeful, were less likely to miss doses of medication, and were independently rated by their case manager as more committed to sustaining their 
health.
I thought I’d quote Anthony Scioli and his thoughts about Spring. Scioli is a professor of psychology at Keene State College in America.
“Spring restores nature’s niches, calling out the hibernating land animals, and offering a homecoming to hundreds of bird species as well as the humpback whales that left their breeding grounds for the winter. As human beings, we too are called back to nature, to walk, hike, work in the yard, and prepare the deck or patio for a second home under the open sky.
Hope is also linked to a trusted bond. A good attachment is the linchpin which 
fuels all of the other hopes of humanity (mastery, survival, and spirituality). Until quite recently, psychology has paid little attention to the human need for contact with nature. A rare exception was Rollo May who suggested there is inevitable regret when human beings go too long without an immersion in nature. In an intriguing book on personality theory, Robert Hogan noted that humans often go to great lengths to recreate a replica of the green temperate context from which they evolved. Environmental psychology, a relatively new field, is now reinforcing these in
sights. One study showed that children attending a school with windows overlooking nature were less aggressive, less likely to be labeled as “ADD”, and more attentive in the classroom.
Spring calls us back to nature, fills our sails with warmer winds, soothes our weary bones, and lifts our spirits. Spring is full of psychic potential because it satisfies the four basic motives that underlie hope. Perhaps this is what prompted Bern Williams to offer one of most succinct reflections on hope and spring: “The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created spring.”
Happy Springtime to my Southern Hemisphere friends!
What a great time to start making some positive changes for yourself. If you would like to coincide the beginning of Spring with some counselling with me, please get in touch! I’d love to hear from you!
Why the racy selfie epidemic is not necessarily damning evidence of the out-of-control narcissism of Gen Y.
Here’s my article from CIAO magazine about SEXY SELFIES!
Long before I became a sex therapist, I was an erotic photographer. I’d wait anxiously for film to be developed and breathe a sigh of relief when the images worked out. However, nowadays, smart phones with good quality cameras give us instant gratification; we can take pics of ourselves (aka ‘selfies’) and share them instantly with hundreds, or even thousands, of people on social media.
The selfie trend has taken off in a big way, and as a result hysterical news reports abound about the negative effects of selfies and the new “selfish” generation. However, I don’t agree with pathologising new technology with terms like “addictions” and “narcissism.” These are serious clinical diagnoses that are overused and bandied about.
Like any new technology there is a fear involved, but humans have recorded our image since the very first cave art. Improved technologies made mirrors more accessible during the Renaissance, which enabled artists like Rembrandt to explore self portraits their entire lives. Now self portraiture is available to everyone, not just the elite or the skilled.
Sexy selfies can be empowering and a fun exploration into your sexuality. Selfies have helped my clients explore their gender identity or sexual orientation. Others have used selfies as a visual documentary of their transgender journey. As an art therapist, I’ve witnessed how the process of creating something, whether a drawing, sculpture or photo, can be cathartic and healing.
Furthermore, selfies are taken by regular people – real people with real bodies documenting themselves. The millions of selfies out there now outnumber the manufactured glossy images of unattainable beauty. The snapshot aesthetic normalises less-than-perfect beauty and real shapes.
Building a healthy sexual self esteem is often about purging sexual shame and negativity. Criticising women for posting too sexy selfies reflects a problematic sexual double standard. Judging what is acceptable or not acceptable for a woman in terms of constructing her own image is dangerous. For that woman it might be an important visual essay of their life, a way of connecting with friends or experimenting with her sexual identity.
Selfies can also be an empowering way to reclaim our own image. We are in control, we apply the filters, we delete what we don’t like. I won’t hop on the ‘sex police’ bandwagon and shame or judge people for expressing their sexuality or showing their body in ways they like. I won’t shame a politician for sending ‘sexties’ that are not seen as sexually ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable.’
If you do feel like your selfie-taking is out of control, then seek professional help, but if not, viva la selfie! I’m embracing sexy selfies and their ability to document the vast tapestry of human sexuality in all its diversity.
Words: Cat O Dowd, Sex Therapist and Relationships Counsellor. For more info email cat@creativesexpression.com or visit http://www.creativesexpression.com.
I’m a sex and relationship columnist for a Sydney newspaper!
I’m really excited to announce that I’m writing a column for a Sydney newspaper about sex and relationships! Go and pick up the latest CIAO magazine if you live in the Inner West of Sydney.
I’ve just written a piece on the rise of the sexy “selfie.” I noticed a lot of journalists were getting very preachy and self righteous about it so I thought I’d offer my alternative opinion! Have a read of my article and let me know what you think!
You can read it here, http://www.ciaomagazine.com.au/rise-of-the-sexy-selfie/
I don’t deserve great sex, intimacy or connection. What are you telling yourself?
Rather than telling yourself, “I can’t do this. I am weak etc etc” try telling yourself these things instead. “I am important. I am lovable. I deserve good things. Everything will work out. Things will get better. I am strong. I can do this. I can be who I truly am. “
Why do I kee
p stressing our internal dialogues as a sex therapist you ask? The things we tell ourselves repetitively are the things that we believe. We literally convince ourselves. This translates into our relationships and our sex lives. Changing this internal dialogue with ourselves is an important step in becoming empowered, owning our personal power, improving our sexual self esteem and transforming our sex lives and our relationships.
p stressing our internal dialogues as a sex therapist you ask? The things we tell ourselves repetitively are the things that we believe. We literally convince ourselves. This translates into our relationships and our sex lives. Changing this internal dialogue with ourselves is an important step in becoming empowered, owning our personal power, improving our sexual self esteem and transforming our sex lives and our relationships.
If we keep telling ourselves that we don’t deserve any better, that we are ugly and unattractive, that we deserve to be treated badly, that we won’t find anyone better, that no one will love us, that we are stupid, bad and unlovable and our happiness depends on other people– then how do you think this will influence our intimate relationships and choice of partner or lover?
If you’d like to explore this further and get your sexual self esteem back on track, book a session with me today. Let’s extend that compassion that we can feel so strongly for other people, towards ourselves. I would love to hear from you!
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/