Category: Uncategorized

Become a better lover by practising mindful sex.

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized
Once you’ve regularly practised mindfulness in your everyday life, you’re ready to become a better lover by practising mindful sex.

Practising mindfulness can activate and rewire the anterior insula in your brain with studies showing women who practise mindful meditation have a thicker insula and better orgasms. The more your practise using your insula, the better you can experience physical sensations during sex and be attuned into your partner’s emotions and feelings, and neuroscience researchers see brain changes after two weeks of practising so, if you’re starting out, try it every day for at least twenty minutes.

Some deterrents for great sex include a mind whirling on autopilot, overstimulated brains from caffeine, stress or addictive text messaging, anxiety, being disconnected from your own body, worrying about our the appearance of our body, how we ‘perform,’ or ‘watching’ ourselves having sex with an anxious, internal narration.

On the other hand, one of the main ingredients in enjoying better sex is being fully present and immersed in the feelings and sensations, rather than being distracted by mind chatter or worrying about the past or the future. Mindfulness is the antidote to bad sex because it’s all about being present in the here and now.

First, move the distracting electronic devices out of the bedroom. They stimulate your mind and are a deterrent for being in the now.

You might want to try mindfulness on your own in a self pleasuring session. Focus on the sensations on one part of your body, when you smile, how does your mouth feel? Focus on your lips. Slowly scan your whole body to other parts that feel good. If you feel your mind wandering to think about work or errands, start concentrating on your breath and how the air enters your nostrils, goes down into your belly and then feel it leave your body.

Then try mindful meditation with your partner before having sex. It helps turn off the chaos of the day and helps you reconnect. Embrace your partner; focus on the warmth of their arms, their smell and other sensations. Look into their eyes and focus on the colour and size. Take turns being touched and just feeling and nothing else.

During sex be present with every throb, tingle, movement, taste and smell. You are opening the doorway to a new world of pleasure.

Let go of goal oriented expectations of orgasm and enjoy the feelings. It’s about the journey not the destination. If you find yourself worrying about orgasm or your mind drifts to something else, kindly guide your attention back to your body.

adult-writer-catDon’t criticise yourself for not getting it perfect, the more you practise the easier it will get. You are retraining your brain by practising attention and you are becoming more sensitive to pleasure.

If you’d like to learn how to have mindful sex and have better sex and orgasms with your partner then get in contact with me here! I’d love to hear from you..

This was published in CIAO magazine, you can read it here!

Is your Iphone killing your sex life?

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Read my latest article published in CIAO magazine..

Last night I went to a restaurant and saw a couple sitting in silence; one looking at her phone, more interested in scanning the internet or playing games than in interacting. Once the food arrived she kept fiddling with her phone while they ate.

They didn’t say much and were emotionally disconnected from each other. I see this a lot.

More and more people are coming to me complaining that their partner ignores them for their mobile phone. They seek connection and intimacy with their partner but they’re rejected for time with an electronic device instead.

An English study shows that your relationship can be negatively influenced just by having your phone next to you, even if you don’t touch it. Partners said they trusted the other less and felt less empathy towards them when they had their mobile near them when talking about anything important.

In our fast paced lives it can be detrimental to a relationship if the only spare time you have together is always compromised and overusing your phone can hurt your relationship long term – say if your partner can’t give you their full attention because they are distracted by their phone and social media.

A growing percentage of people need to check their phone at least once an hour and some people even check their phones when on the toilet. With such multitasking minds, how do we learn to focus on one thing in the bedroom if we are not used to doing that during the day? That ‘mind chatter’ can make it difficult to have enjoyable sex, orgasms and connection.

My suggestion is when you go on a date with your partner, put your phone away, on silent or turn it off. Talk to your partner uninterrupted, even if just for 20 minutes a day! And really pay attention to your partner; eye contact, sitting close and touching can be very intimate and sexy when you are talking.

Start trying to practice ‘being in the moment’ when you are doing everyday activities like eating or washing up. For instance, when you are walking, experience your feet hitting the ground and the air on your face.

Concentrate on what is happening in the present moment, your breathing and what your body is feeling. Engage all your senses in these experiences. Practicing regular mindfulness reduces anxiety and depression and increases libido and positive body image.

Once you’ve sharpened your skills of being mindful in the world, you can start practicing mindful sex! It’s about being completely submerged in the sensations and pleasure of the moment and leads to greater connection, mind blowing sex and better relationships. For more on how to have mindful sex, don’t miss the next issue of Ciao.

You can read my article on the CIAO website here!

Get in touch with me here to learn mindfulness techniques and how to apply them in a session with your partner.  I look forward to hearing from you!

A History of Female Ejaculation. It does exist and it is real.

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

The Australian government refuses to believe it’s possible but female ejaculation has been widely written about for thousands of years across a wide range of cultures.

Did you know that UK and Australian governments have previously banned depictions of female ejaculation, stating that it’s a myth?
FACT: female ejaculation (FE) exists! Between 10 and 55 percent of women experience ejaculation and research shows the liquid is chemically different to urine. Our ‘ejaculate’ originates from the paraurethral glands and can help sperm stay alive in the vagina. There is no need to be ashamed of a healthy bodily function.

 

Female ejaculation and the female prostrate have been described through history from as early as Ancient Greek civilisation, so why have we forgotten all about it now?

 

 

Around 400BC Hippocrates wrote about female ‘semen’ and how he thought FE was necessary for pregnancy to take place. Aristotle disagreed with the baby connection, but he reported women having wet dreams, ejaculating in their sleep and waking up very excited! He observed FE happened at orgasm and far exceeded male ejaculate.

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Then around 160AD Claudius Galenus reported women ejaculating ‘semen’ with pleasurable spasms. He studied non sexually active women and concluded that women had to ejaculate their semen regularly or they would suffer terrible pain associated with fluid build up.

Fourth century Chinese Taoist texts record the wonders of FE using much more beautiful and evocative terms than we do today. The female prostrate was described as a ‘moon flower’ that gushes copious amounts of nectar. A Chinese poem from 826AD also talks about the ‘milk fruit’ (the area we now know as the ‘G-spot’) and gives instructions for a man to stimulate this area with his finger or penis tip to bring forth the female honey. Later poems from the 13th and 14th Century explain how the G-spot becomes enlarged and ejaculates upon stimulation.

The earliest Indian reference to FE is the Kamasutra from 200–400 A.D. Other texts further explain that the key to sexual enjoyment and health is to make the woman “flow” before the man “flows”.

All these early texts clearly differentiate between vaginal lubrication and FE.

Even in the 1500s Flemish anatomist, Andreas Vesalius, wrote that women create semen or liquid during sex and ejaculate like men.

In the 1600s Reinier De Graaf explained how the periurethral glands were the female version of the male prostrate and the source of female ejaculatory fluid.  He wrote in great detail about the difference between vaginal lubrication and ejaculation.

Much later in 1954 Ernest Grafenberg reported women masturbating themselves to orgasm in eruptions of fluid. When he tested the fluid, he detected no urine and concluded it came from glands associated with the G-spot.

So there you have it! Our governments are two thousand years behind the times when it comes to female sexual functioning. Scientists from the present day to as far back as Aristotle agree – female ejaculation exists. Myth: busted.

 

If you’d like to learn how to ejaculate or bring your female partner to ejaculation please get in contact with me here. I offer sessions via skype, phone or in my therapy rooms in Sydney.. There is no touching in a talk therapy session, but I will give you plenty of sexy, hands on homework to try at home on your own or with your partner.

This was published in CIAO magazine.. You can also read it here http://www.ciaomagazine.com.au/a-history-of-female-ejaculation/

 

Why he’s not in the mood

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Did you catch my latest sex column in Sydney’s CIAO magazine?
You can check it out at this link or read it below http://www.ciaomagazine.com.au/why-hes-not-in-the-mood/

Society tells us that men are always ready for sex, perpetually randy and constantly thinking about it, while apparently women need to be emotionally in the mood for sex because their sexuality is not as ‘simple’ as a man’s. In reality however, low sexual drive in men is very common and male desire is just as complex as women’s.

These myths can cause problems in relationships, especially for the partner of a man with low sexual desire. Women can often take the rejection personally when grappling with mismatched libidos because of the societal beliefs that men want sex all the time.

In fact, the idea that men could suffer from low sexual desire has been so off the map that researchers have usually focused on ejaculation problems or erectile dysfunction when studying male sexuality. Meanwhile, sexual desire was ignored completely. Only recently is this under researched area finally getting a look in.

Simply put, Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is persistently deficient sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity that causes distress and interpersonal problems. In men, it is an under reported and stigmatised sexual dysfunction because it runs contrary to cultural myths about male sexuality.

One in five men has HSDD according to The American Psychiatric Association and other studies say between 13 and 30 percent of men report they have had a digressing lack of sexual desire lasting two months or longer in the past year. Just like female sexual desire, male respondents report social, relationship and psychological reasons for their lack of desire, such as depression, work, stress, tiredness and poor communication in their relationships. Drugs, alcohol and some medications can also hinder libido.

Sexual anxiety plays a huge part in waning desire too, with men being five times more likely to report low sexual desire if they had low confidence in their erections compared with men who didn’t worry about their erections at all.

So how do you solve a problem no one wants to talk about? Studies show pumping a man full of testosterone doesn’t translate into more desire when there are long-standing relationship issues. Men popping Viagra may get a whopping erection but it doesn’t improve sexual desire. These shortcomings in medical treatments highlight the importance of holistic therapy in overcoming HSDD.

Seeing a sex therapist or couples counsellor can help a man discover the reasons for his inhibited desire, explore relationship issues, learn the difference between intimacy and sex, and improve sexual communication skills. Sessions can be customised for individual clients and tackle exactly what is causing the low desire through treatments including sensation, fantasy and masturbation exercises.

Sessions also help expose and re-write irrational thoughts that block desire, such as fear of commitment and abandonment. Ultimately though, people sometimes just need a little help prioritising pleasure and intimacy over intercourse and orgasm.

Words: Cat O Dowd, Sex Therapist and Relationships Counsellor. For more info email cat@creativesexpression.com or visit www.creativesexpression.com.

The Sacredness of Menstruation

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Historically all cultures honoured a woman’s monthly bleeding as sacred. Here is some of the evidence:

-The Maoris stated explicitly that human souls are made of menstrual blood, which when retained in the womb ‘assumes human form and grows into a man
Africans said menstrual blood is ‘congealed to fashion a man’.

– In Hindu theory as the Great Mother creates, her substances become thickened and forms a curd or clot. This was the way she gave birth to the cosmos, and women employ the same method on a smaller scale.

– Indians of South America said all mankind was made of ‘moon blood’ in the beginning.

– In ancient Mesopotamia, they believed the Great Goddess Ninhursag made mankind out of clay and infused with her “blood of life.”
Adam, from the feminine adamah, means “bloody clay.” The Bible’s story of Adam was lifted from an older female-oriented creation myth recounting the creation of man from clay and moonblood.

–In the Koran’s creation story, it says that Allah “made man out of flowing blood”; but in pre-Islamic Arabia, Allah was the Goddess of creation, Al-Lat.

–from a list adapted by Katharine Krueger from Goddess of Sacred Sex from ‘Women’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secret‘ by Barbara Walker

Art – “Red Goddess” by Katrina Mynta

Sex therapy, counselling, art therapy, dreamwork.. Education, healing and empowerment..
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Ecstatic orgasm, taking breaks, spirituality and psychology.

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

I’ve just made it through four long day of lectures, discussions and presentations and am feeling exhausted but inspired! I’ve been learning all about the spiritual aspects of the human experience within the framework of modern psychology. This all made perfect sense to me, as I’ve been harping on about the spiritual aspect of sex and sexuality for a long time!
I’m loving having a foot in both worlds; in the biomedical model of mental health and clinical sex therapy and also in the world of psychotherapy, holistic counselling with an integrated approach, transpersonal psychology and expressive arts therapies. This gives me such a richer insight into emotional well being; in particular how it relates to relationships, identity, sexuality, gender, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, depression, PTSD, trauma, transition, dreams etc.
This expanded perspective gives me a more ‘elaborate’ tool kit to help my clients heal past traumas and change their life. I’m so inspired to help my clients with all this new knowledge.

At the end of a long day of learning so much fascinating material my brain reaches saturation point so I’ve been going for walks along the beach or in the forest.

Here’s a snapshot from my mobile, wherainbown a rainbow appeared just as I was about to jump into the water.
What self nourishing things do you do for yourself when you are burnt out or exhausted or to give yourself a break? Do you do anything for yourself?

Sometimes we just keep pushing ourselves to go, go, go! Never having a break or ‘downtime’ actually hampers our productivity and wellbeing in the long run. How many people eat their lunch breaks at their computer while they work? Sometimes we feel guilty for taking a break or ‘doing nothing,’ and keep pushing ourselves. Living a fast-paced busy life without downtime can also work as a defense mechansim or distraction, sometimes we don’t want to ‘stop’ because there’s things we don’t want to have to think about or make time for. Staying busy can sometimes be a coping mechanism for past trauma because we never have to look within if we don’t make time.

If we are going through a transition, coping with a trauma or processing and intergrating lots of heavy and new knowledge, it’s great to give our mind some ‘time out.’
My ‘nature’ breaks at the end of every lecture helped me to reflect on everything I’d learnt, be in the moment, be present in my body and appreciate everyday beauty. From a more holistic approach, they help me feel “part of the whole.”  I get to leave our world of “pragmatic utilitarianism” and enter a different state of being.

These self nourishing “breaks” can help us get back in touch with ourselves. When you have a break, turn off your phone, don’t try to do three things at once and concentrate on your breathing. Practicing this mindfulness can help us be more connected in our sexual experiences. Have you ever felt like you can’t turn off your mind or your worries in a sexual encounter and that this is holding you back? It’s like a blockage in a pipe,  you try to turn on the tap on and only a drip comes out. Removing these blockages can bring about a flood of sexual energy and ecstacy. Learning to enter this “in the moment” space can lead to greater sexual heights and connection. Ecstatic orgasms can feel like you are one with the universe and floating up high, not in your physical body anymore.
Get in touch with me today if you’d like to learn about this in more detail.

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

― Albert Einstein

Get in touch today to book a session with me, I’d love to hear from you.

https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Kegel Exercises for women! The key to amazing orgasms!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Kegel Exercises are great for better sex and orgasmic response! A strong pelvic floor muscle enhances orgasm with oneself and with partners. Women can do these exercises at any time in the day, on the train, at work.. Nothing better to do on a long train ride! In the 1940’s Dr Kegel was gynecologist who helped women to overcome urinary incontinence through pelvic floor exercises instead of relying only on surgery. After a few months, some of his patients said they had orgasms for the first ever time.  Learning about these muscles and how to use them to your advantage can be very sexually empowering.


To find your pelvic floor muscles, stop urinating midstream. If you’ve stopped peeing, you’ve found the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. Alternatively, can also put your finger inside your vagina and squeeze your PC muscles. You know you’re using the right muscles if you can feel the muscles tightening around your finger.

Now it’s time to perfect your technique. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for three to five seconds, and then relax for three to five seconds. It should feel like ou’re pulling your muscles up!  Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. Breathing in when you tighten your muscles, and breathing out when you breathe out can help. Once you’ve mastered the beginner exercise then we can move onto more advanced techniques and breath orgasms! You can actually bring yourself to orgasm this way, no hands needed!
Using the PC muscle during sexual intercourse can give a more intense orgasm and be very pleasurable for your partner if they happen to have their penis, tongue or hand inside your vagina.
It doesn’t just feel good, it’s good for your general health too! A strong PC muscle helps with general genital health, bladder control, the bowels and overall health.
If you’d like to learn how to use your PC muscles, or you already can use them and want to learn more advanced techniques for better sex, more explosive orgasms or meditative sex or tantra exercises, get in touch today.. https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Surviving the silly season…

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

christmas stress Christmas can be an emotional time for a lot of us. We can struggle with memories of people we used to have with us at this time of year, there’s a lot of pressure and expectations and family events. Setting up high expectations can lead to disappointment and a sense of failure. A lot of couples are so affected by the stress of Christmas that there are high levels of divorce rates around this time or you might be meeting the family of your new love with all the stress and nerves associated with that.

When everything seems like it’s getting too much-remember to breathe properly! When we are stressed or anxious we breathe in a shallow and fast way. Take a deep breath in through your nose to the count of five and slowly release to the count of five.. Feel your in breath filling your whole body with peace, patience and love as you breathe out the stress and negativity. Imagine a colour that you like filling up your whole body when you breathe in, so that your entire being is glowing with it! When you breathe out imagine a colour you don’t like blowing out through your mouth. Try to repeat this five to ten times and see what a difference it makes.

surviving christmasRather than get dragged down into the routine of Christmas, how about we see it as an exciting holiday where we can open ourselves up to more pleasure and love and be gentle with ourselves? Prioritise sexy time with yourself or your lover. How about your give your body as a gift to your lover? Be kind to yourself. Take some time out for yourself or your family. Stress can have a very bad effect on our health, so try to take some time out. If you have a partner, take the night off and just spend it with your lover.. Spoil yourself.

Traditionally the burning of the Yule log was all about the death of the old year and the beginning of the new. What patterns and destructishopping stressve ways can you leave behind in 2013? If you had your own Yule log what could you imagine burning away and what new things would be left in its place, things you can embrace for 2014?
Around this time of year in Ancient Rome they celebrated the festival of Saturnalia, a holiday in honor of the sowing god, Saturn. There was much drinking, sexual indulgence and singing songs naked in the streets.. It was a raucous festival and apparently the best festival of the year. Masters swapped roles with their slaves and served them dinner, presents were given and greenery was put up as decorations. I just like to point out the ancient pagan origins of Christmas to non Christians who get upset about these holidays because they see them as a purely Christian or commercial holiday. This ancient holiday goes way back before Christianity!

If you might be spending Christmas on your own, reach out to others. Christmas can be a very lonely time for some. Some single men recently surveyed said they dreaded Christmas more than Valentines Day. The expectations that you should be with family or should be having a great time when the reality is very different can make us feel miserable. You could have an Orphan Christmas with friends whose family is far away, do some volunteer work or join a group that has activities over this period.
Get out and about in Nature! If you can do this with someone whose company you enjoy this can be a great way to spend your time off reconnecting and recharging your ‘batteries.’

Here’s hoping you have a fun, safe, loving Holiday season full of incredible sex(with yourself or partnered), intimacy and connection!
Book a session with me if you are finding the silly season too much to cope with and need help.
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Do you fall in love with people who need to be rescued and spend most of your energy rescuing them?

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

Do you fall in love with people who need to be rescued and spend most of your energy rescuing them? Do you fall in love with the potential of a person and how you can ‘fix them’ rather than what they are right now? Do you continue to fall for the same type who doesn’t treat you well? Do you put other peoples needs consistently before you own needs so much so that you can’t be happy unless everyone around you is? Do you fall for the emotionally unavailable, off limits person who can never give you what you want? Do you consistently fall for people who are married or in monogomous relationships with someone else? Do you need the challenge and the drama? Do you brush off the nice guy/girl?
Do you feel like you’re emotionally ‘drowning’ in relationships? Do you always choose the ‘bad guy/bad girl’ over the genuine person who adores you? Does your relationship anxiety drown the other person or scare them away? Do you not believe your partner when they tell you they find you beautiful?

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Seeing a therapist can help you work on breaking these destructive relationship patterns so that you can open yourself up to fulfilling sex and enriching relationships. It takes guts to see a trained therapist, but you are worth investing the time into yourself to break these patterns and enjoy new relationships. Get in touch with me today..
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/

Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices!

Posted on by Cat O Dowd in Uncategorized

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Wank, wanker the anchor,  groping the grotto, shaking hands with your John Thomas, shaking the sausage, walk through the valley of love, petting the kitty, feed the beaver, buff the python… There’s countless sland words to describe masturbation! How about we use the word self love or self sex!

Self love without guilt and shame! Let’s celebrate our self loving sexual practices! Masturbation is universally part of human sexuality. There’s so much stigma attached to masturbation when it’s perfectly healthy and good for you…

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45% of women first masturbated between the ages of 10 and 14, according to a recent study.

Women who started masturbating in adolescence reach orgasm more often during sex (with others) and report less arousal difficulties.
20% of women masturbate at bedtime to help them get to sleep.

 

Masturbation is a great way to get to know how your body works. Some people say you should stop masturbating once you’re having regular sex or in a new relationship. I’d say you should masturbate even more, it keeps the libido on fire in between partnered sex session and reminds yourself that you can still have great orgasms on your own.
In fact, I’d even advise couples to masturbate in front of each other so that you can witness what techniques they use and learn what your partner likes. Everyone likes different things when it comes to pressure and speed, and what better way to learn than watching!
Improving your self-sex techniques improves sex with your partner! The life force is sex energy, and we can view masturbation as part of our own regime of self love.

 

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Perhaps you could attempt to redefine masturbation as regular sexual meditation with yourself. Try an hour long session with music, oil and candles. Try different breathing techniques and pelvis movements. You could experiment with orgasm control, stop just before you have an orgasm, or after orgasm breathe into it and have another and another. Masturbation is a perfect time to learn how to have multiple orgasms and full body orgasms and for women, learn how to ejaculate.

Learning how to have full body orgasms through masturbation shows us we can have as many orgasms as we like whether we have a partner or not. We can pleasure ourself forever if we are single for the rest of our days. It’s an unconditional self loving practice that will always be there for us regardless who “abandons” us or what relationship you might end..

If you’d like to learn more book a session with me in my Sydney rooms today. I also have skype sessions available for people outside of Sydney..
https://creativesexpression.com/book-a-session/